Still crazy

Things seemed fine, more or less, at therapy today. We had a good discussion about me (generic adult parts, really) making the effort to spend time just doing active listening with the other parts. Made sense. Also talked about helping the teens approach their anger by watching themselves feel anger, as though on a TV.... my therapist and I had a brief chuckle about the concept of encouraging a dissociated part to use further dissociation, but I could see what she was getting at, so it's not necessarily a bad idea.

But even though, as of this morning, it seemed fine that there are parts somewhat close to the surface, although not in a position to communicate, just enough that the body is responding to their experience, who have been terrified for the past while... today, it's getting to me. Wanting to burst into tears, but I don't know why. Having my teeth chatter, but not knowing where the fear is coming from.

Some, I'm starting to realize, is that a lot of parts are scared about spending time with my family this summer. Not sure what to do--lots of arguing inside, between parts who think it will be okay and who want to see the family, and parts who are p*ssed off that I would go and "pretend everything was all right." And also parts who are just scared of getting more memories than we can handle.

So that's hard.

Also coping with just plain old day to day life is hard. But I'm too agitated to be able to focus on any one thing, or to relax and nap. And too tired physically to go to a walk (and way too agitated by there being other people anywhere on the sidewalk with me for that to be a particularly feasible solution).

Just gotta get through one more day. One of them at a time, take tiny steps. I hate this. There's so much I want to do, and instead of getting to do any of it, I'm just knocked out by being crazy.

And to make it all more fun, my allergies have kicked in, so I'm coughing and sneezing. And I've been getting cramps (for the past year or so, I get cramps around when I ovulate, and then off and on through the end of my period. Oh joy.)

Things I would rather be doing: read a book; work on a quilt; make something, anything, out of fabric; make doll clothes; clean the bedroom; clean my room; work on a website; draw pictures for a story book; write the story book; go for a walk; play with Playmobils; scream out loud, very loud, for a long time; go swing dancing; learn astronomy; build a bookshelf; build a house; build a rocket ship and go see another planet; write a novel; paint big splashy pictures; curl up in a closet shaking; go back to pioneer times; find a magic door and go into a fantasy world; go for a long drive; go camping; go to the beach; buy an MP3 player; take photographs; read about coping with DID or abuse stuff; figure out a worksheet for coping and do that; build with blocks; play computer games....

And instead, I'm just stuck. It's like too many things are trying to be done, and no part will allow the others to do anything. Just in case you hadn't caught on, sometimes DID really sucks.