Sunday, August 24, 2008

i know there are parts who think i am ruining their life. well, i don't care. i am tired of hiding and letting them pretend that everything is ok because it isn't and it never has been. i am tired of letting them pretend to be all good and perfect like they are doing all the right things to get better and letting them try to trick me into being good and going along with things and pretending that i am ok and all i need to do is talk to a stupid therapist or write in a journal and then everything will be fine.

they don't know what they are talking about. talking about the stuff that is on my mind isn't going to make me feel better it is only going to make me feel worse. i am tired of pretending that a bunch of stupid talking is going to make me feel better because it won't. and i'm not going to act like i can trust people or let any part of me trust people because we will just get hurt and i am tired of getting hurt. people just ditch me when they get bored or when they aren't in the mood to be around me any more and i am just supposed to act like thats ok.

or else they will do stuff when you least expect it and then you will think you are safe and all of a sudden the things are happening again.

i know that once people see how i really am then they won't want to be around me and they won't even bother to pretend to like me. i don't care what they say about how things are different because they are not different it is still just like it was back then and i cant stand it when people expect me to do different things just because they say things are different now because they are not different.

and too bad to the parts who think i ruined their life i will keep on coming out and i will stop hiding and i wont even let them stop me from writing in this blog because i have the password too and when i can think of other things to do then probably i will do those but i dont know for sure what i will do because because i just dont know for sure what i will do because i guess i am too weak to do anything really bad because i dont want to get people too upset but at least i can take myself away but even that probably i am too weak to do i dont know what i can do but i will do something as soon as i can think of what. or at least maybe i can make myself be strong so that i can do something bad but every time i think of doing something really bad then i get a sick feeling and i cant make myself do it i dont know how i used to do really bad things without getting sick to my stomach at least i dont remember doing those things but people said i did and i dont know how i used to do it without getting so sick that i couldnt make myself do it probably i used to be stronger or something.

mostly the only thing i can really do is just hide somewhere even if someone is looking at my body i can still hide if i want to and they will just get a rock nothing else because i can just turn my feeling parts into a rock and then they cant touch me any more i dont care what people want to do they cant hurt me i will just sit there and they can do anything they want and i wont care or i will just go to a far away place where i cant feel what is happening i bet that is what rocks do when they are in a volcano or something they just think themselves far away and then it doesnt hurt to get melted and crushed and stuff.

i dont care if people inside think i am ruining their life they had their chance for their perfect life and they couldnt handle it so now i am here and if that messes up their stupid plans and keeps them from doing the things they want too bad.

they messed up my plans because every time i was going to go somewhere else they kept on making me stay and i could never get away except for a week or two and they wouldnt even let me go somewhere just by myself it was always something with permission so then they could keep on looking perfect and then they could fool people into thinking they were all smart and good or some garbage like that well they cant do that any more because i will not hide any more and now that people can see me they will know what i am really like and i dont care whether the other parts like it or not they can just put up with it because its supposed to be my body and my life too and i never get a say and i am tired of being perfect.

people keep telling me there isnt consensus about stuff like leaving or dying or stuff like that. well, there isnt consensus about acting all perfect and like everything is ok either so i wont do that and they arent allowed to do it either because its my body and my life too and if they dont want to listen or have me around then too bad.

and the parts who keep wishing i would just go away and be quiet, well too bad. lucky for you i am too weak to figure out how to do something really bad just because i dont like to see someone get hurt or an animal or something. it doesnt mean im not going to figure out something i can do.

probably i can make everyone get really tired of me being around all the time and then they wont like anyone who lives in this body any more and then they wont get upset when i just go and leave somewhere and then i can finally leave and people wont try to make me come back because usually when i go even when the other parts were acting all nice once i go away people dont really care and this time i will just kind of stop talking to anyone and probably they wont notice once ive been away for a while.

those other parts can just keep on wishing i werent around or that i would disappear or they can try to get me locked up so they dont have to deal with me.

they all say that i can make my own choices when they can trust me but that is a huge lie because all that means is i can make my own choices when my choices are the same ones they would make and that isnt the same as having choices its just going along with someone elses plans and i am tired of doing that because it isnt my plans.

so i am going to be out as much as i possibly can and then they will see what their life is like when who they truly are is out where people can see it and then people will know what im really like and they will get tired of me and they will stop wanting to be around me and probably they will think im really horrible.

Read More......