Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Spiderwick Chronicles

We went to see the spiderwick movie today. it was a VERY good movie! it was a littel scary but that was ok caues we made a plan the plan was soemone will say "this is a movie and they will all be ok at the end of the movie" when we got scard. that way it was ECKSITING to watch that movie like a roller coster caues we new it wood be ok at the end!!

One thing good about this movie was it was about CWAPERASHUN. that means the pepul had to work together to make it be ok. one other thing good was it was about how you hafta fight the monsters insted of hide from the monsters caues if you hide from the monsters then you will just be scard but if you fight them then it is scary for a littel bit but then it is all better and the monsters are GONE.

That is a lessun we will try to remember. we will talk to the nonnys more about that caues rite now they are bein monster gards that is they are keeping the monsters away by being gards and they do not get to have fun and they are only scard all the tiem caues they are afraid of the monsters.

Monsters are scary but when you fite back then they do not win. only the pepul who are very brave will win.

In that movie every one had a job they did. well the gron up their mom her job was on a computer in a diffrunt place. but the kids all had a job and they had to cwaperate to make it work ok. and even if their job is diffrunt from the other job it is ok caues they all did a good job.

There were some parts funny and some parts scary and some parts sad in that movie. I will not say about everything caues then it will be a SUPRISE when YOU go and see the movie.

We saw that movie caues W told ellis and jamie their job for today was to see a movie! that was a suprise to! we chos that movie caues W every singel time she wants to read the book first befor she sees a movie, so if we waited for her then we wood not SEE the movie except on a tv. so we picked a movie that is better when you can see it big, and the other movies we can see on a tv.

That movie gave me an idea for a plan with the nonnys. this is my plan. we will make a plan to go and FITE thos monsters!!! insted of being gards or stuff we will FITE them and then they will be DED and they will not bother us any more! we will hafta cwaperate and work together soemone says cwaperate means work together so i do not hafta say it 2 tiems but it is ok I will do it my way caues this is my turn to rite. i will rite the way i want to!

So we will go FITE them together and then they will not bother us. we will make some things for proteckshun and they will make us be safe and then we will throw things at the monsters liek in the movie and the big ones who can use a sord they will do that and maby we will do other things and then the monsters will go away and not bother us and the nonnys will not hafta be monster gards any more and they can let us have fun and be happy and stuff. that is my plan!

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Monday, February 25, 2008

what are we to each other?

the title is referring to me (collective-me, and more specifically, the parts who have been around since august, which is to say, not the adults) and w.

it's something we've (by we i mean collective-me and w) been trying to figure out. it's one of the reasons we've been seeing couples' therapists. the plural in that is because the first two we saw didn't work out well. we'll see how the third one goes.

anyhow, i figured i might as well make a post about it, trying to figure it out.

if there were just one of me, and if it were one of the adult parts, or even if the adult parts were more present, the answer would be easy. the adults and w are partners. they have a romantic and sexual relationship that turned into a committed partnership. if it were just them, the answer would be easy. i don't know if the relationship would be easy, because from what i've observed, all relationships require a great deal of work, even in the absence of other issues.

but here's the thing. we younger parts definitely don't have a romantic or sexual relationship with w. for several months now, we've been sleeping in different rooms. (and let me tell you, that has made a huge improvement in our relationship, whatever it may be, because it reduced the degree to which we younger parts were getting triggered by being in a relationship with her!).

so we're not partners in the sense that most people would use that term, because it's not really a spouse-like relationship.

but it's not like we're strangers. w is the person i trust more than anyone else. it doesn't mean i trust her a LOT, it just means that i trust her more than anyone else. and i think that's true for pretty much everyone in the system.

when i was thinking about this earlier tonight, someone piped up that w is definitely *family*. which is true; family in the chosen sense, anyways. someone who is going to be there for me. someone who is an important part of my life. someone with whom i share a lot of history, with whom i live.

but it's still hard to work out our roles in this relationship.

i guess what i'm "supposed" to do is have the adults be the ones who are out more often, having a relationship with her, and the rest of us are supposed to... what? i don't know. i read the treatment guidelines for DID, and it seems to imply that it would be unhealthy for us to have a relationship with her separate from the adults in the system, that having w be anything other than the system's (the adults in the system's) partner is somehow unhealthy.

but that doesn't work. because the rest of us are inconveniently here. and we live with her and interact with her. she supports us financially. she supports us emotionally, and we try to do the same for her.

one thing that's been getting clearer to me is that i just don't quite understand how to be in an adult relationship. the adults seem to know this, but they have been blocked from coming out for six months now. and even though i (ellis, by the way) can do a lot of things the adults do, i really don't get how to be in an adult relationship. mature though i can act, developmentally, i'm only 15.

so it comes back to the question: what are we to each other? w isn't my partner, or the partner of any of us who have been around. she's not some random stranger. she's not really like a friend, although we are friends, kind of. the relationship is closer than that, and more... fraught with complications, i guess.

w has described it (and particularly these past few months) as being like what would happen if her partner all of a sudden had these kids she hadn't mentioned having before, and they all showed up on our doorstep, and moved in. and then her partner went away, leaving her with just the kids.

actually, that's kind of apt. although, looking back, w might have suspected something given that we were out buying toys on our second date!

but then, what is the relationship? i guess a lot of us inside here do kind of interact with her as though she were a stepparent. i mean, sometimes being friendly, sometimes being resentful, having this relationship that we can't quite understand or define, but knowing it exists.

i feel guilty that the adults haven't been around. not that i can figure out how to convince the others to let them back. they were getting close to doing that, and then all of these new parts started showing up, and things got really chaotic again. i feel guilty that i can't be her partner. and i feel guilty that i feel guilty for that, and i also understand that my guilt over that is tied to the degree to which i was expected to be my mother's partner when i was actually fifteen, and the anger and resentment i feel around that is about being triggered... but i do feel genuinely sorry that i can't just be the adult partner w needs. of course, in a lot of ways, what my mother wanted wasn't precisely an adult partner, which is probably why i was able to do the job back then. w seems to want more equality, and some indefinable (to me) adult-ness that the adults have, and that i just don't get.

anyhow, no great insight, but it's something i've really been thinking about. because maybe it would be easier to sort things out, if we could figure out what the relationship is in the first place.

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008


i would've added the follow up to that, except i'm not as depressed as marvin the paranoid android.

one thing that's slightly annoying is that i've had something i wanted to discuss with my therapist for the last couple of sessions, but when i (as in, the body i live in and share with a bunch of others) go into therapy, things are so switchy that the last several sessions, i haven't really gotten to have much of a chance to talk with my therapist about the things on *my* mind.

i suppose i could write her a note, but i guess i'm still at a point of feeling like i need to not be asking too much, and so writing a note still feels like asking too much of her time. i mean, the woman already gives me not only three sessions' worth of time every week, but we pretty consistently go over the time we're supposed to spend together, so there's the extra five or ten or fifteen minutes at the end of the sessions.

the main thing i'm worried about is this: i don't seem to be making much progress. i'm not sure what progress would look like, or what mileposts i'm aiming for (or inchposts, as the case may be). but it really feels like i'm not much further along than i was a year ago, or two years ago. well, ok, so the parts who were really suicidal seem to be better able to tolerate distress, and haven't gone into being actively suicidal for, oh, about two months now. being optimistic, i could say this is because they're feeling more able to work through their stuff. being less optimistic, i'd say it's only been two months since the last bad time, and nothing really upsetting has happened in our external world in the intervening time.

but back to optimism, i haven't even really noticed the kind of reflexive suicidal thoughts, like when something is difficult in life, and no one inside can think of a way to solve the problem, there always used to be the thought popping up of "there's one way to stop having to cope." and i don't think that's been there as much. i know grace has been feeling a little adrift, trying to figure out how the heck to cope, if that isn't the option.

but really.... two years of working on this stuff, putting my entire focus on it, and the best i've gotten is a reduction in suicidal ideation?

and it seems so selfish to have traded the reduction in suicidal ideation for my day-to-day coping skills. i can't manage a job. i can barely manage keeping the house even a little bit together. well, i did clean up two or three hairballs today. but i'm not being a very good housewife. i'm not working on my dissertation. i'm not working at a job. on a good day, i can manage to go to the grocery store without having a full-blown panic attack.

it feels lazy. it feels like i'm not working hard enough. it feels like there is something i should be doing, and i'm not doing it.

but since i know i'm working hard, and w and my therapist *say* i'm working hard... then there's something that isn't working. because this much effort, and all i get is a reduction in my inclination (or other parts' inclination) to start making plans about how to be dead?

sorry, that doesn't quite seem like a balanced trade-off. especially since i'm not convinced those feelings won't return if i force myself to cope with more than i'm coping with. especially since the last time i tried that, two months ago, it triggered a bout of serious suicidal feelings.

it's not that i want to risk doing something that will wind up with me being hurt or hospitalized. i just want to feel like i'm making some concrete progress.

and i'd like to get the chance to talk with my therapist about what our treatment goals are, and what i can be doing in order to reach those. but then there's the voice in my head that says i'm just looking for someone to rescue me, or to do things i ought to be able to figure out on my own. it's not that i want my therapist to solve my problems, or anyone else. not exactly. i just feel like i keep doing things that aren't working, or aren't moving me to a place where i am coping more effectively, and i don't KNOW what to do differently, and i really want someone to help with that. i don't think that's the same as wanting someone to rescue me. but i'm not quite sure.

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Monday, February 18, 2008

no real title

there are a lot of things i could be writing about, or that others have been thinking about. and we've been switching so much lately that i bet one of the others will show up before i'm done, or something.

anyhow, one thing to mention here is that i have a cold. and it sucks to have a cold, but at the same time, hopefully it means the reason i've been really exhausted and run down lately is from the cold, and not from some dire exacerbation of the fibro. so as far as that goes, it's ok. the cold should be over with in a week or two (unless i got a different cold from the one going around, or unless i get lucky and get over it quickly).

another thing to mention is that i've been really switchy. like, not having any part around for more than an hour at a time, tops. lots of times, it's more minute to minute. not sure what's causing it. spent a chunk of the weekend, and parts of today, so switchy i could barely stand up. lots of vision difficulties. some of it i have been covering up, so i don't think w or others quite know the extent of it. some of it, i don't notice until something calls attention to it. i mean, if we're all doing more or less the same thing, then it's not so much of a problem. but i was trying to write something down--just a quick jotting, and realized looking at the handwriting that i switched about four times in five minutes or so of writing. so it's hard to get things taken care of because we don't always agree about what we're trying to do.

one positive from this is that i was still really switchy and spaced out when w and i went to couple's counseling today. not usually a good thing, and there was a moderate panic attack on the subway. but the positive part is, this new couple's therapist was able to handle the switchiness, and i wound up feeling more grounded afterwards, and even though i wasn't comfortable (nor, i think, were any of the others) with calling attention to the fact that i was switching all over the place... or, well, with saying who we were and when it happened... but the new therapist was still someone we felt comfortable with, and felt ok talking about things. so we'll see how that works out. i didn't feel like she was pushing at me too much, even though she was talking a lot about my issues. but she seems really careful to balance the discussion between me and w, and it feels like she takes both of us seriously. so that's good.

now i'm gonna stop writing, because someone else is about to be out, and i can barely focus my eyes.

plus, i'm not 100% sure who i am, and it feels weird to say that, but there it is. i'm not ellis or grace or jamie or rynn, or one of the adults or littles. beyond that, not sure.

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Saturday, February 16, 2008

Sesame Street!

We have been watching Sesame Street. It is a good show. Not the show now with too much Elmo. We are watching the old ones they say are not good for today's children, but I am a child from the old days I guess caues these are good shows and we are watching them. They make me happy and then it is ok for some tiem caues even the ones who are scared or sad or soemthing they will watch and we can be ok for a littel bit. We got the DVD from Netflix. We will watch them some more.

That video up there is not from the DVD it is one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve. i like that movie very much. so we found it on line. it is good. that is all. bye.

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Friday, February 15, 2008

Oh my GOODNESS! Went to the atm to get cash. First two weren't working. Finally found one that was. Put in my info and then noticed there was a twenty dollar bill already in the slot. That's 2000 days of good luck!

To my credit, I did go to the person at the store, and ask whether anyone had come in saying they didn't get all the money they were supposed to, and all of that. She just kind of laughed at me, and said it was my good luck. So I guess it was.

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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Just testing to see if i can post from my phone.

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Tuesday, February 12, 2008

still having a hard time, and a question

so things are still hard. i guess it's to be expected. or something.

therapy today... very switchy in the first part of the session. as in, i know at least three of us were out, possibly more, but not sure how many my therapist noticed (it's a kind of switching i guess happens a lot in my system--where a bunch of us are cycling through, and we're all more or less aware of what the conversation is, but no one is there for more than a few minutes at a time, so we all just kind of cover it up so things look ok). i know jamie was out for a bit, and ellis, and grace. me too... don't think i have a name? i know i'm not one of those three, and i know i'm not rynn, and i know i'm not one of the little kids. but not sure who that leaves. maybe there's a list somewhere and i can find out. i know i've been around before. i've probably said i was ellis or jamie, or even one of the adults. i don't know. just used to thinking i'm someone else, i guess.

still very switchy. my eyes keep crossing... i think that's evidence of parts coming in and out?

so there was that.

there's also the fact that a new little was out in therapy. not precisely new, except she doesn't have a name yet. but she's one of the "nonnys" we've felt (the "nonnys" are the ones who aren't giving names yet). did some water color paintings, and then talked for a while about religious stuff. that's where the question comes in.

(trigger warning for religious stuff)

anyone have experience helping a little, or an actual little kid, deal with the kind of stuff that comes out of being raised in a really fundamentalist christian church? you know, the whole if you don't follow every single rule of the church then you are going to hell, and people will tempt you down false paths and try to get you to stray and don't read anything the church doesn't approve of, and things like the chronicles of narnia are on the "bad" list because they lead people down false paths and talk about magic.

kid also has some of the experience of physical and sexual abuse, at least, i overheard one of the others saying to her that "that stuff" was bad, even if someone says it was helping her to not give in to satan because she had to learn how not to respond to temptation.

she doesn't want to listen to the rest of us, because anyone who says that the churches she went to are wrong is clearly just trying to lead her astray. going down false paths, stuff like that. giving into worldly temptation.

trying to find things that aren't forbidden by her religious beliefs. wanting toys seems to be evidence of being "worldly." tv is definitely sinning. don't have any "approved" books....

wish she were willing to listen to the rest of us, but we're clearly tainted by sin, because we think that perhaps god doesn't want little kids to suffer. not to mention things like being a lesbian, or the fact that to the extent we practice religion, it's either paganism or judaism.

so there's that going on. plus the body is having a lot of memories (by that i mean, anyone who really gets into the body starts having body memories... combo of sexual abuse, physical abuse, and being force fed, rarely all at once, but in random variations). plus a couple of older ones having memories of physical abuse, both bullying and at home. plus littler ones remembering abuse too.

just wish it would let up for a while.

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Monday, February 11, 2008

for the record

when using the internet is one of your major sources of support and soothing and calming, it's REALLY bad when your router decides for no discernible reason to stop working for hours on end. particularly since you can't find your paper manual (if there ever was one?) and need to use... yup, the internet to find out what the default password on the router is so you can reboot it.

when does mercury go *out* of retrograde?

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