something Teller remembers

This is Teller. The grown ups talked in therapy today about spending some time every day writing down some things we remember, and then maybe it will not be making loud noise inside the head. We will do this every single day, or we will try to do this.

We are writing for the blog so then it is not saved on our computer and then if someone comes and reads it we can say it was not us. That is how it is ok to do this cause it is very much scary to write these things down but then maybe it will feel better. If it does NOT feel better after a while, then we will not do it any more.

I get to go first. I am going to tell about something that happened cause of me, and why I had to disappear inside for a super long time until we all grew up into a big person and then I came out again last year that was because I wanted to see maybe was it safe and it is safe enough for me to come out so I did.

This is what happened. I was in second grade. I wrote about something at school or I drew a picture. I do not remember exactly. But then the teacher asked some questions and I did not know that some things were bad to tell to a teacher I just thought I did not like them, and when she asked about what I wrote then I told her other things.

I think this is what I told her about. I think I told her about my big sister and the bathtub. My big sister was not good about bathtubs. She would put the water too hot she would say it was NOT hot and then it would hurt me when I was in the water. I did not like that. And then she would wash me in certain places I do not want to say, and that super much did not feel good and you do not need to wash those places specially not with soap. I learned that cause I don't ever wash those places any more, and no one does in the body, and they do not get dirty. Sometimes when I was littler she would get in the bath with me and do more stuff that made me feel yucky and scared and I do not like when someone gets in the bath with me who is bigger not one single bit do I like that.

I think that is what I told about, cause everyone got mad at my sister, and at me too. That is how I think that is what I told about.

But then I got in big trouble because the teacher maybe told someone. After I told her, a person came to our house. That person was the person who will take children away if they are not being taken care of good. But she did not take us away. She said there was nothing bad, maybe? I wasn't there, I don't know.

But some people who are big and I will not say who but they are very much big, they got mad. And then my sister said she never ever did those things and I was lying and making things up and bad. And then two people got in trouble, her for maybe doing those things and me for talking about it and telling someone. And then my sister got mad at me to and she hit me places where no one can see but I learned that it is super much important not to be a tattletale cause if you do then someone will hurt you very much and they will not do one thing to the person who hurt you because that person is bigger.

Another reason to not be a tattletale is they will say a person who is littler than you are cannot hurt you, because you are bigger than they are, and you are just being a crybaby if you say someone who is littler than you are hurt you, and they will say they will show you what it feels like to be really hurt, and so you will know the difference and when a big person shows you that then you do not want them to show you one more time ever again. And if someone is bigger than you are, then it is okay if they hurt you, because it is because you were bad and you forgot what the rules were and didn't be good, so they can hit you. But if you are my size, then you are not allowed to hurt one single person, because everybody is bigger than you or smaller than you, but you are not big or little, so you are not allowed to hurt someone. And if you do hurt someone like pinch them or something then a grown up who is big will pinch you with her strong nails and it will hurt for a very long time like a week and you will remember that you do not ever want to be pinched like that again so you do not pinch someone but probably there is a better way to show a kid not to pinch than to scare them, like if I were a grown up I would tell that kid about how being pinched hurt, and tell them it made the other kid feel sad and scared and maybe mad, so they should not pinch someone. That is how I would do it, not by pinching them hard.

I was too much a tattletale and sometimes if I was there then I forgot and I told someone about things cause I can not keep secrets good, I tell things cause I forget they are secrets and not something to tell people. So then I had to disappear, and not come out.

There is more stuff I was going to tell, but I am done instead.