some thinking

i was thinking a little bit last night about the grown ups. cleo was out for a little bit, for some complicated reasons (there is something stressing her, specifically, out, which is why she showed up; but then she went and talked with w, so they spent some time together).

anyhow, afterwards, i was thinking about the ways having the adults around benefits me, and not just people outside. and i could think of advantages to having some of the adults. like xan is good, because she makes friends and she's brave and fun and outgoing. kind of like an aunt who's not that much older, but enough older that they're a grown up. i like xan. and even the mama, i can theoretically see the advantage to having her around. she does those mama-type things, like nurturing and sewing and baking bread. also, she has been taking care of the really little kids for a while now, and we can see she's not so bad to have around.

or the writer part, or the smart one, or the analyst... they don't come out very often, but they are definitely useful. they take care of situations and then go back inside. they don't block the rest of us out, for one thing.

but cleo... maybe part of it is that i (jamie) don't get along with cleo very well. or maybe it's that she has trouble believing she's really multiple. she's a lot more like ellis, i guess. the two of them are similar, so i have some trouble figuring out why we need both of them. except cleo really is a grown up, and ellis isn't. but from what i can see the main difference in what they do is, cleo has a different relationship with w. and she's less resentful about doing grown up stuff. well, ok, and she's more attracted to w.

but then ellis finally had a really good point last night, when i was thinking about it and trying to figure out what benefit i get from having cleo.

she pointed out that i don't get any real benefit from grace or elysia or the nonnys, not that i can see, but i don't complain about having *them* around. so maybe i should think of cleo in the same way. she IS here, so i guess she has the same right to be around as anyone else.

i guess for me, part of it is that i think of the adults as the parts we made on purpose. i mean, i can remember kind of intentionally creating parts when i was a teenager, not that we knew we were doing that, but it's pretty much what happened. like, the smart one, that was TOTALLY someone the rest of us came up with to cope with school. we *thought* we were just improving our confidence or something. so i guess i think of the adults as more... not really real parts, just pretend. but i guess they are real just like the rest of us, so they should be allowed to be around.

the other weird thing is realizing that they have things they struggle with, just like the rest of us do.

i guess part of what i don't like about the adults is, i'm ANGRY at them, because they didn't have to experience the bad stuff. it seems really unfair. i mean, i can understand why it happened. they were made so there were parts who didn't experience the bad stuff. and since they weren't present for it, ok, sure, they have known for a long time (maybe always?) that it happened, but they really didn't *experience* it.

and even though in my brain, i know the same thing i told w last night, that the older a part is, the less time they've been around (mostly--the mama has been around probably since i was ten or so, but the other adults didn't show up until i was way older than that).

anyhow... the younger parts are the ones who had to go through the worst stuff. that's probably why there are more nonnys who are little than who are teenagers, even though i can think of at least 2 teenaged nonnys.

but when i see the adults, i have a hard time accepting that they would just sit around and let the rest of us get hurt. and i guess a lot of the anger i feel towards them is the anger i have for adults OUTSIDE my body, who didn't do something to make the bad stuff stop. and i guess it's not the fault of the adults inside my body, any more than it's the fault of the grown ups i've met since my body grew up. none of these people had the ability to intervene.

the other thing i don't like about the adults in the system is, they get very sure they are right to be super responsible and take on too much. but i guess i have to trust w and my therapist, that they really will make sure that doesn't happen.

i guess that's all. mostly because my carpal tunnel is acting up, and my fingers are numb from typing!

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I hate the subway. I hate the subway. I hate the people who jam onto it with no regard to personal space and i REALLY HATE the people who put on their make up on the train. I hate everything sometimes.

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Long time, no post

It's been a while since I posted. Lots, this is because some part doesn't really seem to want me to write. Some, because I've been busy with lots of stuff. And some... okay, it goes back to parts not agreeing on what to write, or what to write first.

So I'm just gonna say what I want to. This is Jamie. I got a pair of binoculars, partly cause I've been wanting some, and partly right now because we're about to go on cross country road trip this summer, and I'll get a good chance to look at the stars (which is why I wanted binoculars in the first place).

I tested them out tonight, and they are really, really cool. I looked at Jupiter, off of our front porch. Given that we live in Brooklyn, with a lot of light pollution, the fact that I saw this:

is really neat. I was just kind of looking, and then I realized I could see Jupiter's moons, or at least I thought that was what I saw. So I checked it out online, and found that set of images, which is pretty much what I saw!

So that's cool.

There's more stuff going on, but no one wants to write about it right now. The trip is exciting and good, but it's also got some parts worried, for different reasons. And there's a lot to be done before then. I'm happy about the road trip part, and I figure it won't be too bad with my family, since we won't actually be spending a ton of time with them. Maybe someone else will write more about all of that later.

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The adults say we should write about something that's bothering us. This is Ellis and Jamie, mostly. Maybe Rynn will show up and add her part. Basically, the older teenagers.

This is Ellis writing. They are saying I should talk about how it felt when I was at home, when the body was actually fifteen and sixteen. I don't like to talk about that. I get really mad and I start to hate everybody.

I don't know if it's okay to feel mad about it. It wasn't really that bad, but things made me mad. I had to do a lot of stuff. I joked that my nickname was "somebody," like, "Somebody has to do this. Somebody has to do that." "Somebody" meant me, because no one else would do it. She never made anyone else do things, but I didn't fight, so I had to do all of the stuff.

Maybe it was just because I was the oldest at home. Probably. So I guess I shouldn't complain, because that's just the way things were. And I guess a fifteen year old is old enough to know when to start dinner, even if it's not the same time every day. And old enough to know how to keep five kids from doing things they're not supposed to, and to take care of them from when they get home from school, and make sure they get to bed and do their homework and get a good dinner. And I guess I was old enough to figure out what to make for dinner even if there wasn't really anything to cook.

And I guess it wasn't so bad that I got in trouble if I didn't do everything perfectly, and if things weren't taken care of when she got home around ten at night after school let out. It was even later after the car broke down and she had to take the bus.

Lots of people take care of kids and a house and go to school. I also had to do really well in school. Probably, this was mostly my own choice. I wanted to get into college, and the only way to do that was to do really well in school so I could get scholarships. It was sometimes hard to do really well when the kids were being bratty and I had too much to do at home, so I didn't even get to start my homework until around ten at night. But I did it, so I guess it wasn't too hard.

The other thing that STILL makes me mad is, I wasn't allowed to have a job. She said it was so I could focus on school, but I think it's just she knew if I had a job, I might have money of my own. And also, if I had a job, I would probably not do as much work around the house, or babysitting. What was even worse was, every time when I got a summer job, she'd ask for a "loan" of the money I made, so I gave it to her, and then I got $20 a month for myself. So I couldn't even work hard all through the summer to have money, because it went to her. I suppose it was okay, and I made it through.

I feel guilty for being angry about that. It's not like she had other choices. She didn't have someone to help with money or taking care of the kids, and she didn't have anyone her own age to be friends with. That was another thing I did, or someone in the body did. It wasn't me. I think it's parts that turned into grown-ups, because at least they could listen and act like grown-ups when that's what she needed. Maybe it was good for me, having to have grown-up parts when I was younger. It meant that I didn't feel so bad about not getting to act like a normal teenager.

The question I have is, is it okay to be upset about having to do so much more work when I was fifteen than I've ever had to do since then? Because it makes it hard to feel like I'm really doing anything now, because I've never had as much to do since I left home as I did when I lived there. I think maybe fifteen is too young to figure out how to juggle taking care of five little kids, keeping the house together, and doing well in school.


This is Jamie writing. I have a different thing to talk about. It was the other job, the one that made me want to run away. I probably have no right to complain, because it's not like I had to do that job. But I didn't want that job to be done at all.

The others refused to run away. They had some stupid idea that if we stayed until we were 18, then we'd get away "clean" and not stay all tangled up with her like my older sisters did. And they thought there wasn't a good way to make your own living when you're 14, and there wasn't anyone we could live with.

Maybe if we'd actually told someone about what was happening, they would have let us live with them. Probably not, though. And they're probably right, there wasn't a way we could have lived on our own, because it's not like we could ever save up money. Even when they got money, they kept spending it on stupid stuff like clothes and paper and notebooks and garbage like that. Not saving it so we could get away. Like, one year, we got to have $100 from our summer job, and they went and bought a backpack and clothes and school supplies. I bet we could have gotten a bus ticket and gotten somewhere with that much money. But nooooo, they wanted to have stupid stuff for school. Or maybe we could have snuck behind her back and gotten a job anyways. But nooooo, they had to be good and honest, so we were f***ing STUCK.

And that meant the other thing kept on happening. I know some parts thought it was fine. It made them happy. Whatever. "What a wonderful relationship you have with your mother." Eeww. Who wants to date their MOTHER?!?! That is SOOO f***ed up!!!!

I don't care if it meant not getting hit any more. Or even if it meant getting nicer food a couple of times a week. It still makes me SICK to even think about it. And there are parts who LIKED that attention. I guess they didn't know about what happened to the ones who are still hiding. I guess they could also ignore that it's not like she stopped hitting the OTHERS. Not like they care about anyone but themselves anyways. Like, when we finally DID leave, did they take anyone else? Not on your life. They figured they could pretend they had a NORMAL relationship with her, and it would be okay to just act like she wouldn't go and do it to the next one in line, and the next one....

I know she would come into my room at night. That's all I'm going to say about it. It's not like it's my f***ing FAULT, but I'm still embarrassed about it, and I feel like I should have done SOMETHING to make it change. I mean, all of the others ran away. THEY knew enough to get out of the house. My stupid plan meant that I had to go through that for so much longer than any of the others. What kind of idiot chooses to do THAT?!?!


This is Ellis and Jamie writing together now. We're supposed to talk about how it's different now, than then. The adults inside think maybe we won't keep getting mad at W. so much, if we think about how she isn't the same as... her.

Well, okay, she isn't our mother. Everyone is making that VERY CLEAR. She's not supposed to be responsible for taking care of us or helping us. Whatever. I guess we don't deserve to have someone take care of us. Fine.

And she doesn't get mad about us not doing our jobs around the house. And she lets us have money to spend on ourselves, pretty much whenever there is money. She'd be perfectly happy if we got a job outside the house, or figured out some way of earning money. And she'd even let us keep it.

It's not her fault that we don't want to be treated like adults. It's not her fault that we aren't adults, and she shouldn't have to deal with teenagers. It's not even her fault that there are parts who refuse to let us leave, so we feel just as stuck now as we always did, only with no way out, because it's not like we're going to turn 18 in a couple of years and get to be free.

It's not W's fault that the thing that makes us so mad we could explode is that we were treated like adults once already, and it didn't work out well. We don't WANT to be friends with her, because we know where that goes. Probably, because the adult parts are adults, it's okay if they're doing things like that... but still, it makes me (Jamie) SICK to know that happens. It's just like before, because it was always a different part who had to do that stuff. And I don't care if now, the parts are different, and say they like it, and it doesn't make them feel bad. It makes ME feel bad to know it happens, at all, ever to this body. I have to live here, too.

We don't want anyone giving us some comment about how great W. is and how lucky we are that she's willing to put up with us, or whatever. Because, you know what? Just because we know that it's not her fault, doesn't mean we aren't MAD!!! And it's okay to feel mad, right? We're not doing anything to hurt her right now, and I guess we'll work on it. Don't tell us she means well. So did our mother. If you want to comment, skip anything I (Jamie) said, but maybe help Ellis figure out whether it's okay for her to be upset, and how much work it was okay to ask someone her age to figure out how to do.

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apology

dear W.

i'm very sorry for my behavior the past couple of days. i have been very mean and i forgot the most important rule which is it's ok to be mad but it's NOT ok to be mean.

one thing i did that was bad was, i decided what you were thinking and i got mad about that even when you said it was NOT what you were thinking and i just said you were LYING when really you weren't. that wasn't fair of me because i didn't even give you a chance.

another bad thing i did was to say lots of nasty things to you and swear at you. even though it is ok to feel mad it isn't ok to say mean things to hurt someone else. i am sorry about that because i had a hard time remembering that you are not a robot. you are a real person with feelings and just because i feel bad doesn't make it ok to say things to make YOU feel bad.

ANOTHER bad thing i did was ignore the rule about bedtime. that rule is there because even if i don't feel like it, my body has to sleep. also, it is there because YOU need your sleep and it's hard for you when you are worried about me.

i am sorry for doing things to make you worry about me like going out without telling you where, or not answering your text messages when you are at work or i am out on a walk. and especially i'm sorry for going out after you went to sleep because that will make it hard for you to feel like i am safe so you can get your sleep.

one problem with how i acted was because i imagined talking to you about setting limits for me because that is something i need you to help me with. but the problem was, i got mad at you for not helping even though you didn't know about my imaginary conversation with you. it wasn't fair for me to expect you to read my mind.

and even if we HAD had that conversation, it's not fair for me to keep on being more and more bad to make you do something.

i am especially sorry for ripping up the sign you made for our door. it is not ok for me to do something like that no matter how angry i feel.

one important thing i have to learn is you can't help me if i don't let you. and being mean or walking away or refusing to talk are things i did, and it means it was not your fault that i felt lonely. it was my fault.

i am also sorry and ashamed that i worked so much to get the other parts to believe you don't really like us. you are right. i told them hateful things, and that was very wrong.

also, i destroyed Mandy's toys because you gave them to her. that was wrong. i did it to hurt two people. i wanted to make you feel like we didn't like you or the things you give. and i bet Mandy you would not stand up for her and say it wasn't ok for someone to break her toys. that was because i was jealous that you take care of her and not me, and i wanted to make her feel like you wouldn't really and truly take care of her. but that was not fair of me because it wasn't a fair test. you already knew Mandy wanted to break those toys, so it wasn't something important of hers, so you didn't know about the test.

i am very sorry about my behavior and i hope we can work together to come up with ideas for how i can make things better, and also for ideas about how i can do things differently the next time i'm feeling bad.

sincerely,
jamie

ps. one other hting i should not have done is posted those posts on my blog. even though it is my blog where i can write aobut anything i want i wrote those posts to be mean to you and to show how angry i was and how bad i was. it was not ok to be hateful like that. also, i am ashamed that i showed our friends and even strangers how mean and hateful i was being. it is ok if i write things like that in my private journal but not ok to post them online. why it is ok in my journal is even if i am wrong it's still ok to say somewhere how i feel. but not to do it in a way that is to hurt someone's feelings.

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whatever

she may think that if she ignores me long enough, i'll just disappear, but she's wrong. i'm going to stay around until she kicks ALL of us out, and then at least i won't have to deal with someone who says they care but they're lying.

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trapped

i hate this. i hate being here and i cant get the other parts to just let me leave. there is absolutely nothing i can figure out how to make myself do to feel better and the other parts wont let me do anything. i just want to walk away, or drive, or just leave, but they wont let me. i want to scream and have fights and break things. there is nothing i can figure out how to do.

and im mad at people because they like the other parts just fine and pay attention to them and take care of them and even though a certain person says she cares about me its just a lie because she only bothers with me because its a package deal and she cant get the other parts who she actually cares about without having me too. if she could get rid of me im sure she would. if i could just go away i would and everyone would be happier. but i cant figure out how to disappear so im just fucking stuck here and feeling like screaming but i cant even do that because the other parts wont let me do anything that would make anyone else have any problems.

fuck them. so im writing here and i dont care if they dont like it i should get at least one place where i can say things.

i hate it HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT here. its not like anything is going to change either because no one really cares about it and im just supposed to figure out how to be one of the good ones who does what im supposed to on my own. and since i cant do that then im stuck feeling like crap.

and i hate that the other parts get to do things to feel better and have people care about them but because all i do is be a jerk all the time no one likes me and i know its reasonable for people not to like me but no one helps me to figure out how not to be a jerk they just wait until i go away and then theyre all nice to the other parts.

its not like i do anything that bad. im just crabby and snappy and not nice. even if i want to smack people on the street or break windows or do things like that, i dont and i probably wouldnt even if the other parts didnt stop me. but certain people like the little kids even when they feel bad, but they dont care about ME and i hate that.

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