when I was five

These are some things that happened when I was five. I think about these things, cause they made some of the rules inside of me.

Here is one thing. I had a book. It was called The Best Nest. It was a good book and I liked to read it and look at the pictures. Then my sister got it. She colored all over the inside of it with her crayon. I was mad. I yelled at her. But then someone grown up saw me yell at her for coloring in my book, and they got mad at me. They said she was too little to know better. They said it was just a book, even though it was the single only book that was mine. So I got punished because I got mad. They said I was not supposed to get mad about a book. They said I was not allowed to feel mad. They did not say it was not ok to yell at my sister, even though I guess I knew that anyways, but I was super mad. They said I was not supposed to be one bit mad because it was only a book. But it was an important book for me. I did not like that at all. But I learned an important rule. The rule is, I am not allowed to ever get mad outside the body where someone can see it, because I am supposed to know better. I guess only a grown up or a very little kid is allowed to get mad, but not me. That is how it was in our house. I could not get mad because I wasn't big and my things didn't matter.

Lots of times if there are little kids in the house they ruin your things. They ruin your doll by playing with her food and pouring the food mix inside of her and then putting in water. They do this when you are at school, because they sneak into your room, and then the doll never works again and all the food is gone even though you were very careful and saved it up. But if you are eight years old, you are not allowed to cry or feel angry, because it is just a doll, even if it was your very own special doll that was bought new for you by someone.

Or they will dump out all of your perfume when they sneak into your room, even though you had been saving it and saving it, and then it will all be gone and your room will be stinky, and you can't get mad even though you had it very high up and put away, and someone little went in and climbed up on a chair to find it. Or when you are bigger, someone will get into your room when you are at school, and pour glue all over your puzzle, and ruin that. Or they will ruin lots of your things. But if a kid is littler than you, it is ok for them to do it, and you are not allowed to cry or feel angry.

I think now maybe that isn't fair, and maybe I should have gotten to feel angry, but they should have said it was not ok to yell at a little kid, because that is right, I should not have yelled. And they should have said it was ok to cry. They should not have said my things were not important, because they were important to me.


Here is another thing that made a rule. That rule is, you can't really be happy when something good happens. Like, my grandma and grandpa came for a visit. They decided to give me a treat, just me, because they did not want to take all of the kids with them. They went to a different town, to visit my uncle, and I got to go with them. My big sister was very mad at me. She wanted a special treat, and instead I got to have it. So she pinched me and hurt me and pulled my hair hard, and did other mean things. She said I was horrible and didn't deserve to get a treat. I still don't know why I got a special treat like that. It was the single only time I remember something like that happening, me getting something nice and nobody else at all. And it was nice. We even went to a restaurant and got to have hamburgers and french fries. It was Bob's Big Boy, and there was a statue in front with a boy holding a hamburger. I liked it super much, until my sister was even more mean when I got home. So I learned that you better not show how you like something, or even get something nice, because somebody is going to be mean and pinch you and hit you if you get something and they want it.


Here is another rule. I learned that you can not always tell the truth, if a grown up says something different is true. Like if you find a quarter in the back seat of the car, between the back and the cushion, and then someone tells you that you did not find it, you stole it. You should say sorry for stealing it. One time that happened to me. I found a quarter. I got in trouble for having a quarter. I got a very hard long spanking for telling a lie, because I said I did not steal it, I just found it. If I had just said I stole it, then the spanking would not be as long. I learned that lesson very well. I learned that I better just say what the grown up thinks is true, or else they will keep hitting harder and harder until I say they are right and I did a bad thing. Even if I did not do that bad thing, I should just say that I did, or else I will get in too much trouble. If you say you did a bad thing but you didn't then you still get punished, but you do not get punished so much and it is not half so bad as if you don't just say what the grown ups want you to say.

This is Teller writing, because the other parts are too scared to say these things themselves, but they want to write about those things, so I am writing their things they remember for them.