Tuesday, June 24, 2008

the DID/MPD workbook

i set up a forum for creating a workbook for coping with DID/MPD and other dissociative disorders. i'm a pretty good researcher, and have yet to find something like this, either on paper or online; at least, i haven't seen anything like that in print or online.

so i figure, if all of the other mental disorders get to have workbooks, why shouldn't we have one as well?

but i'm not particularly much of an expert in coping, so i'm asking anyone who is interested if they would like to help as well.

i'm not expecting people to be experts or therapists or anything like that. it's more along the lines of self-help, and pooling our knowledge. i know that i've come up with some solutions that other people found really helpful, and that other people have come up with things that i found really helpful.

so if you have any interest in the DID/MPD workbook, or if you know someone who might have interest, please check it out, or pass the information along. feel free to post about it anywhere that seems appropriate.


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Monday, June 23, 2008


i don't know what's up today, but i swear, the wallpaper on my computer has gotten changed about five dozen times today. normally, the wallpaper on the computer stays the same for months or years on end, but different parts have been grabbing the computer mouse as the slideshow of pictures plays on my google sidebar, and clicking "set as wallpaper" every few minutes.

no real point to sharing that, i guess. but it's getting a little crazy for me. crazyER.

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Friday, June 13, 2008

on the bright side....

so i finally got convinced to try applying for disability, and we were supposed to do the interview by phone this afternoon. i'm not doing so well today (have i been doing well very often lately? does making it to the point where i'm not in the *middle* of panic attacks count?) but i was gonna go through with it. w was going to be on the phone with us, so it would've worked out ok. i think.

anyhow, she just got a call from the disability people, and they wanted to reschedule for tomorrow morning. so that at least can be put off a little longer. maybe i'll be more functional tomorrow morning. or more coherent. or something.

on the anxiety front: i realized something, as i was pondering why it seems like things have gotten so much worse. and it occurred to me: if i'm dissociating less, and becoming more aware of how i feel, physically and emotionally, then it stands to reason that i will actually go through *feeling* the things i formerly dissociated. such as physical pain (and it turns out i get a lot of that) and definitely things like anxiety or sadness or anger.

so i guess it's a good sign, that i'm feeling these more intensely.

i keep reminding myself that it's like when you're doing deep levels of organization in the house: things get WAY messier for a while, while everything gets pulled out to be put into new places. and then it gets WAY better when you're done.

i only wish it weren't taking so darned long!!

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Friday, June 06, 2008

memories and monsters

had an interesting conversation (does it count as a conversation if it's all in my own head?) with the part who was out in therapy yesterday. not quite sure who it is. maybe one of the nonnys, but not completely sure. i think she's probably eight or nine, just based on the images i get when she thinks about things.

anyhow, she'd been talking with my therapist about how it is really dangerous to play, and how it's like there is a certain number of times you can play when nothing will happen, and you never know how many times that is, but if you play one too many times, then it will make the bad thing happen. same with not remembering all of the little things they do to keep safe.

her logic as to why things haven't been as bad since i left home is that maybe they just got better at being able to be careful, and if they *stop* being careful, then the bad things will happen.

after therapy, i was trying to get a sense of what exactly they mean, when they worry about "bad things." and this one gave me some interesting information. i don't think that they actually experienced the abuse directly. from the perspective of some of these parts--the ones who are super careful about following lots of "rules" and stuff like that--what they experience is this:

they miss some particular step or magic thing or make some kind of mistake. then they feel dread and fear about what is going to happen. then they "wake up" in pain, or they have more "nightmares."

and the thing is? i have fibromyalgia. i wake up in pain a LOT of the time. so now i'm trying to explain to them the difference between how i wake up in a lot of pain now, and it's not the same as when they were little. i point out that i *don't* wake up with bruises i don't know the origins of, that kind of thing. but... it's hard to explain the difference, because to them, it seems pretty similar.

what's funny is, they don't seem fazed by pain if they know where it's coming from. i was weirded out yesterday because i seemed to have a blister that i didn't remember, and then all the kids told me where it came from, and they didn't mind that at all.

and the nightmares... if all they remember is "nightmares," how can i explain that the things that happened when they were little weren't the same? that *those* things actually were happening, but the terrors they have *now* of nightmares are memories, and not actual "monsters."

but at least now i have more of a sense of why they are so nervous.

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Wednesday, June 04, 2008

i can't believe myself

so i heard about this website called "kitten wars."

originally i thought i'd check it out because, hey, kittens and wars. how could it be wrong?

but what is it? it's a cuteness popularity contest. you are presented with the pictures of two kittens (or cats) and then you click on the one you think is cutest. and then you get another pair, and another, and another... soon, minutes have passed by. this isn't even educational, like free rice dot com.

and just in case that's not enough cuteness and kittens for you, there's cats in sinks dot com. because you needed to look at more kittens.

i don't know why this appeals to me. i find lolcats and i can has cheezburger rather annoying.

so who knows. but if you like kittens or cuteness, you might want to check it out.

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