Crazy

I know, it's not PC to refer to myself as "crazy." But some days are just like that. Today was one of those days. It wasn't that I was sad, or angry, or upset in some way. But the "crazy" felt especially pronounced.

It's hard to put my finger on what was wrong. I suspect it was parts going through some level of trauma, and close to the surface, but not so close they could speak (and, to be honest, I'm still shielded from most of the trauma anyhow). But I did notice that when I allowed my conscious control over my body to relax, my teeth would start chattering, and I would be shaking as though terrified. Anxiety sat in my chest, but didn't reach my mind.

I suppose I could have worked harder to stay "busy," to be "productive." But it's a struggle to do that. I did remember to move the car, and went to a coffee shop for the duration of alternate side parking, and even had good conversations with people there, and forgot for minutes at a time how I was feeling. And I did manage to get a decent dinner made, and dishes washed. So, that far, I was productive.

Oh, and I managed to get a bit of journaling done, some checking in with parts who were able or willing to speak. That's also progress. Commented on some blogs, and some posts on a bulletin board; wrote a note to Kate Bornstein about her book "Hello, Cruel World," which is about alternatives to suicide, and, with a small exception, I would highly recommend (more on that later, in a different post).

But, mostly, I felt my mind spinning around. Different parts kept surfacing and then backing away. Any time I started to do any one thing, different parts would come up to block that from happening. Much chaos and confusion and feeling a bit... not overwhelmed, since it's a feeling I'm used to.

The only word to describe it is "crazy." My particular brand of crazy. Half-seeing one child part desperately building block houses so she can imagine hiding inside of them. Hearing another one counting everything she sees, listening to every single sound, sorting through to make sure she is safe. The teen parts ranting or arguing or just nagging for things they want. Angry parts yelling at me to be more productive, sad parts wishing they could convince me to curl up in a dark closet and nap for the rest of my life.... Yeah, a really crazy day.

Strangely, though, while it was difficult, it was also not so bad. I know what's going on, I feel able to get through. And I know I'm on the road to feeling better, and that the choices I am making now are the right ones. So that was all right, at least.