A very good book!

Here is a link to a very good book called The Monster At The End of The Book. If you have not read it before then definitely you should. It is very funny and I like it a lot. I bet you will like it too. In the story, Grover from Sesame Street is afraid about the monster at the end of the book and he does not want you to turn the page, but I bet you WILL turn the page if you are curious about books!

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toni collette won an emmy for tara

it's pretty cool. (i only know about this so soon because w found out somehow, and she came in to tell me. i didn't even know when the emmys were!)

i kind of hope this leads to more awareness about DID/MPD. the show handles it pretty well, i think. it's intelligent and humorous without making fun of the disorder, in my opinion. so i'm glad i'm not the only one who thinks so.

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i dont know

so i was going to therapy a lot for a while because the other parts thought i needed it most or something. well, me and a couple of other parts. and one of the things that has happened i think probably because of therapy is i dont get suicidal any more. at least i havent for a while.

most people would think this is good. i guess it probably is. but its not like the feelings that were overwhelming went away. so now what happens is i feel horrible but i dont feel like theres a way to just make those feelings go away. i guess what i learned is i can live through them and that they will eventually end or something. but when im feeling those feelings it seems like they are just too much. but i dont get an escape hatch.

maybe there is something that will happen with more therapy where i will get to a point where those feelings arent so horrible any more or something. and i guess there are one or two things in my life (i mean MY life not just the life of the body where i live) that i kind of like. so its not 100% horrible and that is better than it used to be where i thought that other parts were just me pretending to be ok or have fun or filling time. now i can tell that sometimes things actually are a little bit fun or not too bad or something.

but its really hard when the things that used to be who i was are disappearing. im not as mean to w because i guess i care a little bit about how she feels but that only goes so far. i mean i can care a little but then i cant keep being all nice and stuff so i just kind of go through enough motions that i can go out of the room and not have to have anything to do with it if im in a bad mood.

it used to be i would get in a fight or do something to cause problems and that was really a lot easier and it wasnt so uncomfortable for me as when i care a tiny bit but not enough to help.

and i dont get the options of hurting myself except for things like smoking. i mean i am even eating my meals and taking stupid vitamins. but i kind of cant cope with everything turning all perfect and smooth. i dont like it. i guess i feel a little guilty about that. and i can hear the voices in me saying "what are you saying everything is perfect and smooth you are still lazy and not doing anything worthwhile and never ever doing as much as you are supposed to be doing" and stuff like that. like not doing housework or having a job or sleeping in a bed with w. i feel like those are signs im bad.

maybe i am worried about other stuff going smooth because once that stuff is more ok then i will be expected to do everything like i used to like sleep in a bed with her or take care of the house and have a job and just everything.

but at the same time i feel bad that i cant handle doing that. i am supposed to want that and instead what i want is to kind of not do the things like that that make me panicky and overwhelmed. ESPECIALLY if there isnt an escape hatch like being dead. because it feels like that stuff is this big rock pile balanced above me and if i move anything even the littlest bit wrong then it will all come crashing down on me and i will be crushed. and being crushed when there isnt an escape hatch is a scary idea.

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folk festivel

I am at a fok festevel for this week i have ben looking forwerd to it for a wile caues it is fun to be here. Also the pepul here are very nise even if you do not act normel they will still be frindly. We have been here a few tiems so we know the pepul pretty well it is great. Also it is a good way for a vacashen of not to much money espeshelly if you liek music. It is not onley foke music also it is other kinds of music. My frinds are all asleep riet now but that is ok.

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i dont see the point

w has asked for lists of things she can do when i am depressed or upset. i have given them to her. i even set up a website that she can look at from her phone or her computer that has a list of things she can do instead of saying she doesnt know what to do. she doesnt look at it.

and i suck so much there is no one else i can call. i guess i have a couple of friends but they are busy with their own stuff and not available. my therapist was away this week and will be away next week so thats no good.

i did my best to hold together this week and it worked until things tipped over today because there was just too much stress and now i am stuck with this place of feeling like crap and i cant get myself out and there is no one i can think to call for help i have already done all of the things i know to do to feel better and they are not helping i cant go to sleep because the fucking people upstairs have their music blasting so i am just stuck feeling like crap and having absolutely no exit. im too panicky to go out and be around strangers plus there is nowhere to go in this fucking neighborhood even if i did want to go out. sure i could go hang out at the 24 hour convenience store but its not like that will help anything.

i feel like worthless crap. it sucks to feel so rotten and know there is no one i can call to talk to even if i were feeling better. and i know if i were feeling better that wouldnt be so bad i dont mind that my friends have things they are doing or are busy with. but the fact that i can feel this way and there is no one to call and i am just out of ideas of what else to do.

and i cant even think about killing myself because i know that isnt an option other parts wont let me do it no matter how crappy i feel or how long it lasts so i just have to accept that i have another forty or fifty or sixty years of this to come. fuck. i hate this.

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we're pretty excited about the sims 3. it's funny. we were really into the first version of the sims, but then with relationships and life and stuff, never got into the second version.

but the thing we're really looking forward to about the sims3 is that it seems like it will be possible to make sims who will behave like different parts of the system, and that will be really cool. we'll see how it goes once we actually have the game (we're really disappointed that they postponed the release until june, since originally it was february).

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been a while

i haven't posted in a while. partly it's because i've been having bad fibro, and i still don't have a good desk chair, so i get tired pretty fast when i sit at my desk. partly, it's because the parts who have been out lately haven't been as interested in writing, or if one part wants to write something, someone else has another idea of what to write about and then there's conflict, so nothing gets written.

or maybe it's that the parts who have mainly been out aren't ones who have been on the blog much so they don't feel as comfortable writing? not sure.

i miss the things i used to do, and by that i mean things i was doing just a few months ago.

in terms of an update, we wound up thinking about the reasons s. had for not taking our insurance any more, and they made sense. and also, we figured that if she's willing to see us for a copay that is less than half what she was getting from the insurance company, odds are she isn't actually trying to get rid of us. so on the up side, we'll still be seeing her for therapy. on the down side, that's $200 a month we have to spend now that we didn't have to spend before. but there is another positive: i applied for food stamps, and they are giving me... $200 a month. so it works out even, pretty much. so that's good.

one thing happening is that parts have been struggling with memories and being triggered. one thing we've realized is that the triggers from present stuff are especially powerful because we don't actually remember the stuff that made it triggering. not sure if that makes sense. i explained it to w like this: let's say i went to the circus, watched a bunch of clowns, and then got stepped on by an elephant. but i blocked out being stepped on by the elephant, and just remembered how painful it was. so now, every time i see clowns, i'm afraid of the pain of being stepped on by an elephant. so clowns are what's scary. but really, the problem was the elephant.

so i kind of think if i can get to the point where i remember the elephant, then the clowns won't be nearly as upsetting.

the problem is, it's hard to stop blocking out memories. it's one of those things i have done for so long, and it's such a habit to keep myself from remembering things. and i have a lot of fears about remembering things, too. and i used to get such positive responses from NOT remembering, and it's hard to let go of that. plus, there's the fear that i'm making it up.

i guess that's something to think about. intellectually, i don't really believe the false memory people are right. they just come across as people who are trying to keep things hidden, and who are trying to keep people from finding out about bad things.

but at the same time, i can think of a bunch of things that i used to think were just nightmares i had, and then someone in my family will describe something that happened, and it's like... oh. that wasn't a nightmare. that really *happened* pretty much exactly as it did in the recurring nightmare.

so it seems like i would then be more willing to believe the *other* "nightmares" i have that are like those are also true. but in a lot of ways, i don't want them to be true. but at the same time, maybe realizing they are true is the only way to reduce their power. on the OTHER hand, realizing the things i now know are true are true hasn't reduced their power. those things are still upsetting for me.

so that's part of what's going on, at least right now.

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