United States of Jigsaw Analogy

"I pledge allegiance to the fact of the single personhood of Jigsaw Analogy, and to the community for which that stands, one person, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

I've been thinking about a lot of things, lately. Or, more to the point, we have been thinking about a lot of things lately, since there are two parts writing this! Anyhow. One of the many things going on in our collective head is some thinking about what it means to "integrate."

Reading the "healing" literature, (well-intentioned, but sometimes that is some really damned SHAMING literature!). Anyhow. Reading that, you'd get the impression that for a multiple to heal, they have to do something like become part of a Borg collective: "Your emotional and intellectual distinctiveness will be assimilated into our collective. We are Borg, resistance is futile. You WILL be assimilated."

Um, hello? That version of integration would be like telling people of color that in order to be integrated into society, they have to act just like everyone else. It's like saying that an integrated society is one where somehow people retain their "culture," but God forbid they go around acting different from the norm, because that would mean they weren't really integrated. And sure, there are people who believe this. Hell, there are people who think that the way to make society--or, frankly an individual with multiplicity--happy, healthy, and worth living in is to get rid of anything that doesn't fit with their idea of perfection.

That is just about the stupidest idea, when you come to think of it. Sorry, racists and people who can't handle difference. I know that other parts of this system like to act all tolerant and everything, and want to make sure that everyone feels welcome reading this blog. Too bad. If you're a racist, I don't care if I offend you that I think racism is stupid. And if you're someone who is going to tell me that the best way to be integrated is for all of the parts to merge into one, well, I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and risk offending you, too.

When I read or hear about people "integrating" in that fashion, it seems more like they are becoming ex-gay. I mean, yeah. They've learned to repress the parts of themselves that make them different from the norm. And this can make people feel more comfortable, and some people--therapists and psychiatrists included, God help us all--think that feeling more comfortable by avoiding conflict is totally the way to go.

I respectfully disagree. I want to integrate in that fashion just about as much as I want to become ex-gay, or want to integrate racially by pretending my skin color is invisible. Ain't gonna happen, folks.


But what if there were a different way to do this? What if integration as a multiple could be more like becoming a republic, which is to say--a lot of individual parts, recognizing that they are part of a whole while still being individuals. What if instead of focusing on merging into a seamless whole, integration could be something messy and complicated and hard to work through? Something where maybe it isn't easier, but no one has to be assimilated into the collective?

Which isn't to say that I'm against that whole "pulling together the disparate parts of yourself." 'Cause the fact is, multiples DO need to do that, or at least my system did. Or maybe it's just checking in, and recognizing which parts of the whole go with which parts. There are a lot of folks inside of my body who thought that they were just one thing. (Ellis, for example, thought that aside from being resentful, she was pretty much perfect. :P ) But as we've had each part "integrate" their experience, they've discovered, "Oh! look at that! It turns out that I'm not just angry--I am the one who is really good at these things, and I'm the one who does those things that are totally unrelated to being angry!"

Because the complicated thing with sharing a body is, if you're not very in touch with yourself as a part, you can lose touch with parts of yourself-the-part. If you've got shame, or fear, or whatever, maybe you attribute parts of your actions that don't fit with your self-image to other parts of the system.

So let's say you see yourself as absolutely perfect, like Ellis does. You might have a hard time reconciling that with the fact that you're really critical, and judgmental, and just a wee bit controlling. And parts like that (sorry, Ellis, but this is true. Goes for you, too, Cleo.) will think that when they fight to make sure that the entire system acts like one single person, some assimilated Borg collective of "individual parts" who represent to the outside world as a fairly seamless whole, that they are doing this for other peoples' comfort, or that they are doing this to keep the system safe.

Here's an analogy for you: This is like gay people who are so uncomfortable and afraid and ashamed of being different that they "act straight" all the time. Don't get me wrong. There are times that you need to act straight. Or at least, there are times when you need not to call attention to the fact of your difference.

But that doesn't mean it's true ALL the time. I suspect it's not even true MOST of the time. It's all about calculated risks. Look around you. Are these people really going to hurt you if they find out you're different? How can they hurt you? Most of the time, there is absolutely nothing they can do, if it turns out that you're different.

Sure, this isn't true for everyone. There are people who will lose their jobs, or their children, if someone finds out they are gay. There are people who will lose their jobs, or their children, if someone finds out that they are multiple. I say, those of us who don't run that risk have a responsibility to be as out as we possibly can. Because you know what? The only way, the ONLY way to make the world safe is for people to be brave enough to reclaim the different parts of themselves, and be proud of every part of who they are.

I'm not saying that individual parts can go off acting like they own the whole body. Because you are parts of a whole. Call it a jigsaw puzzle, call it a crazy quilt, call it a republic. It doesn't matter what you call it. You're not in this alone, and you can't go off acting like you are. And that includes the parts who try to pretend that the way to integrate is to pretend that everyone is exactly the same, and there is none of that difference that makes people so uncomfortable.

Note: this post started out being written with Ellis, but then she got over her bad self and let me take control. Me being Xan. I'll point out that it's a problem, when someone who is all over the idea of being out as multiple has trouble coping with the idea of some other part showing up in a space that is supposed to be accepting of multiplicity. Like, you know, their own blog.

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NaNoWriMo

I'm participating in NaNoWriMo, the National Novel Writing Month. The aim is to write a whole novel in a single month. Notice that I say "write" rather than "complete," since the only way I can make it to the finish line is if I don't stop to edit on the way.

The novel I'm working on might be of interest to people who read this blog, since it's about someone who survived abuse, and now needs to learn to cope with the tools she used--things like dissociation, and shielding herself emotionally. I frame it as a fantasy, and an exploration of fairy tales, so hopefully, it will be interesting even to people who haven't coped with these issues.

I have posted an excerpt at my writing blog, and I may post more, if anything seems ready to share as the month progresses.

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A very good book!

Here is a link to a very good book called The Monster At The End of The Book. If you have not read it before then definitely you should. It is very funny and I like it a lot. I bet you will like it too. In the story, Grover from Sesame Street is afraid about the monster at the end of the book and he does not want you to turn the page, but I bet you WILL turn the page if you are curious about books!

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toni collette won an emmy for tara

it's pretty cool. (i only know about this so soon because w found out somehow, and she came in to tell me. i didn't even know when the emmys were!)

i kind of hope this leads to more awareness about DID/MPD. the show handles it pretty well, i think. it's intelligent and humorous without making fun of the disorder, in my opinion. so i'm glad i'm not the only one who thinks so.

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i dont know

so i was going to therapy a lot for a while because the other parts thought i needed it most or something. well, me and a couple of other parts. and one of the things that has happened i think probably because of therapy is i dont get suicidal any more. at least i havent for a while.

most people would think this is good. i guess it probably is. but its not like the feelings that were overwhelming went away. so now what happens is i feel horrible but i dont feel like theres a way to just make those feelings go away. i guess what i learned is i can live through them and that they will eventually end or something. but when im feeling those feelings it seems like they are just too much. but i dont get an escape hatch.

maybe there is something that will happen with more therapy where i will get to a point where those feelings arent so horrible any more or something. and i guess there are one or two things in my life (i mean MY life not just the life of the body where i live) that i kind of like. so its not 100% horrible and that is better than it used to be where i thought that other parts were just me pretending to be ok or have fun or filling time. now i can tell that sometimes things actually are a little bit fun or not too bad or something.

but its really hard when the things that used to be who i was are disappearing. im not as mean to w because i guess i care a little bit about how she feels but that only goes so far. i mean i can care a little but then i cant keep being all nice and stuff so i just kind of go through enough motions that i can go out of the room and not have to have anything to do with it if im in a bad mood.

it used to be i would get in a fight or do something to cause problems and that was really a lot easier and it wasnt so uncomfortable for me as when i care a tiny bit but not enough to help.

and i dont get the options of hurting myself except for things like smoking. i mean i am even eating my meals and taking stupid vitamins. but i kind of cant cope with everything turning all perfect and smooth. i dont like it. i guess i feel a little guilty about that. and i can hear the voices in me saying "what are you saying everything is perfect and smooth you are still lazy and not doing anything worthwhile and never ever doing as much as you are supposed to be doing" and stuff like that. like not doing housework or having a job or sleeping in a bed with w. i feel like those are signs im bad.

maybe i am worried about other stuff going smooth because once that stuff is more ok then i will be expected to do everything like i used to like sleep in a bed with her or take care of the house and have a job and just everything.

but at the same time i feel bad that i cant handle doing that. i am supposed to want that and instead what i want is to kind of not do the things like that that make me panicky and overwhelmed. ESPECIALLY if there isnt an escape hatch like being dead. because it feels like that stuff is this big rock pile balanced above me and if i move anything even the littlest bit wrong then it will all come crashing down on me and i will be crushed. and being crushed when there isnt an escape hatch is a scary idea.

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folk festivel

I am at a fok festevel for this week i have ben looking forwerd to it for a wile caues it is fun to be here. Also the pepul here are very nise even if you do not act normel they will still be frindly. We have been here a few tiems so we know the pepul pretty well it is great. Also it is a good way for a vacashen of not to much money espeshelly if you liek music. It is not onley foke music also it is other kinds of music. My frinds are all asleep riet now but that is ok.

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i dont see the point

w has asked for lists of things she can do when i am depressed or upset. i have given them to her. i even set up a website that she can look at from her phone or her computer that has a list of things she can do instead of saying she doesnt know what to do. she doesnt look at it.

and i suck so much there is no one else i can call. i guess i have a couple of friends but they are busy with their own stuff and not available. my therapist was away this week and will be away next week so thats no good.

i did my best to hold together this week and it worked until things tipped over today because there was just too much stress and now i am stuck with this place of feeling like crap and i cant get myself out and there is no one i can think to call for help i have already done all of the things i know to do to feel better and they are not helping i cant go to sleep because the fucking people upstairs have their music blasting so i am just stuck feeling like crap and having absolutely no exit. im too panicky to go out and be around strangers plus there is nowhere to go in this fucking neighborhood even if i did want to go out. sure i could go hang out at the 24 hour convenience store but its not like that will help anything.

i feel like worthless crap. it sucks to feel so rotten and know there is no one i can call to talk to even if i were feeling better. and i know if i were feeling better that wouldnt be so bad i dont mind that my friends have things they are doing or are busy with. but the fact that i can feel this way and there is no one to call and i am just out of ideas of what else to do.

and i cant even think about killing myself because i know that isnt an option other parts wont let me do it no matter how crappy i feel or how long it lasts so i just have to accept that i have another forty or fifty or sixty years of this to come. fuck. i hate this.

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