one positive thing, and some worries

yesterday my therapist called to let me know that under New York's new mental health parity law, DID counts as a "biologically-based mental illness," which means my health insurance plan is required to cover unlimited sessions. so that's good. it's very good. it means that i don't have to worry about paying for therapy, no matter how much i need (since under the new law, our co-pay went down to zero, since that's the co-pay for "regular" medical things with our insurance).


here's what i'm worried about:

i'm really worried that the adults are never going to come back. i mean, if they ever did exist, which probably they did... but maybe they are just totally gone? i don't know. i never really had a good way of getting in touch with them.

also, i'm worried that they will decide they're not coming back at all because now people are mad at them for going away in the first place. i mean, outside people. and they never really dealt with people being mad at them anyhow. they just left one of us (well, i feel like they always left dealing with people being mad to me, but that might just be my perception). so if they come back and then people are mad at them, then they will just go away again.

i don't know what to do. i mean, i just can't think of a solution. i don't know how to find them if they even exist. and they don't have names, which just makes things harder. i guess cleo does, but she's not really great for anyone inside anyhow, since her whole thing is making it look like everything is ok, you know?

and why would they come back anyways? what good would it do? they only ever really took care of outside people anyways, so it's not like they'd do much for the younger ones inside. i mean, sure, they did get stuff for us and things like that, but mostly that's because they liked to believe they were all perfect or something and we were the ones with all the problems. like they don't have anything wrong with them except they're stuck with these annoying parts inside who are just making their lives miserable or something, and if we'd just go away, then everything would be fine or something.

i don't know. it feels like that.

i mean, what do they do for us? they pretend we're not here, or they ignore us when we do come out. they certainly don't help me to deal with things like the suicidal part or the upset parts or the panicky parts or anything like that. they don't even take the stupid memories.

it used to be that if someone outside the body needed them, then they'd show up and help that person, and sometimes one of us inside could get some benefit from it. but they're not even doing that any more. nothing. they don't do anything.

okay, i guess that isn't 100% fair, since i do think the mama has the baby and maybe one of the other really young littles with her. i know i haven't noticed them around and they're not in any of the hiding places anyone knows about. but it's not like we can contact them, either. and what are we going to do, have them get stuck with the rest of us, and all of the adults still be away?

i mean, i don't know. k. said it was like they had gone on vacation and left a teenager to deal with everything. maybe it's not a vacation. maybe they're taking care of something important. i doubt it. but i don't know what they are doing. and i'm scared that maybe they have integrated, and this is as much as i'm ever going to get of the adult parts. and i don't know how to grow up. maybe i will grow up though, and then i'll be able to deal with stuff? i guess it won't take too long, since i'm fifteen, and that means it would just be a few more years.

but i thought integration meant that you got all the abilities of the parts who integrated. also, that would mean i'm the host, and i'm pretty sure i wasn't around until the body was fourteen or so. or maybe i am the host. i've been the only one out for a while now.

i really don't like this. i am so scared the adults are never going to come back, and then w. will get really tired of being stuck with a partner who doesn't have any adult parts and she won't want to keep doing that, and then... i don't know. i guess i'll have to just cope on my own. that's really scary.

maybe i'm not really a teenager? maybe i'm an adult part and i just don't know it?

i hate everything being so confusing.