metaphorical manifestations

so Teller keeps saying she is going to tell if i don't, so i may as well admit it. i do believe there are monsters inside. i mean, yeah, they're really just metaphorical manifestations of, i don't know, internalized abusers or something. but the fact is, as we experience it inside, they are monsters.

not sure why it is supposed to help to admit it, but the kids inside insist that i should admit i believe in them. and i bet the adults do too, even though they are also embarrassed about it.

feels stupid to say that i believe in monsters. i mean, they're baby stuff, really.

so what are these monsters? the one that has been causing the most acute trouble lately is the shadow dragon. if you were to visualize it, i guess it would be like a dragon skeleton, with those black gauzy things draped around it. no way to really convey what it's like. it's insidious. sneaks into your thoughts, so you think that what it's saying is something you're thinking on your own. that's actually true of most of the monsters, and why it's so hard to fight them, because they're really insubstantial, and creep in through the least little crack

the shadow dragon is the one that makes you want to kill yourself. it makes you hopeless and tired and unable to keep going. and everyone in here that i can hear says it ate at least one of the parts, because she let down her guard and gave in to it. that's the part that's been causing so much trouble by coming into the safe place inside, because the kids are absolutely terrified that if they come out of hiding, then they will get eaten too.

but i guess that part inside is still alive, because she's been communicating. we're just not sure how she can get out of there. and no one wants the monsters inside of the safe place.

there are other monsters. some of them, we're getting better at fending off. like it turns out that the one that comes and shuts our mouths so we can't say things we're not supposed to, well if we resist hard enough, then we can usually break through. or if we try different ways of communicating, then we can get around it, and once we've communicated something in another way, it's harder for that monster to keep us from talking. that monster is like... not sure what it's like. it comes and smothers you almost, so it's hard to breathe or get words out. feels like you're choking.

then there are the ogres and goblins. they have different things they will punish you for. the ogres are huge, and some of them have claws, and they will throw you around, or push you into the ground, or pound on you relentlessly until you stop doing the thing they are in charge of keeping you from doing, like talking about things or thinking about things.... the goblins are little, and they just whisper away until you're really doubting and afraid, or worried, or guilty.

mostly we cope by blocking them out of our minds, shutting them away from the safe places. but they are in the thorny maze that surrounds the safe places, just waiting for someone to be a little careless when they're moving around. and then they grab you and try to follow you back in.

yeah. so i guess that's one of the things going on in here. not sure what to do about it. and it's hard to think of how this was supposed to help.