hard to believe

i guess i have a hard time believing there ever were any adults in the first place. it just doesn't seem real. like maybe it's always been me? i don't know. been reading over old journals and stuff and there is really a lot of stuff i feel like i didn't write, but then i guess if someone inside this body wrote it it was technically me, so i guess i did write it.

thinking also about the whole thing with DID and how one of the symptoms is "Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness."

what does that mean? i guess i don't really fail to recall important personal information, like i can generally remember things like my phone number and legal name and ssn and date of birth and stuff. and if i make sure to let the body be in charge of things, instead of me, like do them automatically, i can do my legal signature.

and i have the story for my life, you know? i can say more or less where i lived, and who was likely to be in the house. i guess some things i don't remember, but either i was young or it was at a chaotic time.

how clear are memories supposed to be? am i supposed to remember things clearly if they happened 20 years ago? that seems like a long time to remember something. or even ten or five years ago.

but maybe it counts if i remember what happened, and can say it happened, without actually, you know, remembering it. i don't know if it's the same to "remember that" as to just plain old "remember." and maybe it's just that i have a bad memory? i just don't know. i don't like to think about this too much because then it starts to feel like my life just keeps slipping out of my mind, and that gets a little scary.

i really wish the adults would come back. i will pretend to be them while people are mad, if they will promise to come back really soon. i hope i didn't just imagine them and then forget how to keep imagining them.