The adults say we should write about something that's bothering us. This is Ellis and Jamie, mostly. Maybe Rynn will show up and add her part. Basically, the older teenagers.

This is Ellis writing. They are saying I should talk about how it felt when I was at home, when the body was actually fifteen and sixteen. I don't like to talk about that. I get really mad and I start to hate everybody.

I don't know if it's okay to feel mad about it. It wasn't really that bad, but things made me mad. I had to do a lot of stuff. I joked that my nickname was "somebody," like, "Somebody has to do this. Somebody has to do that." "Somebody" meant me, because no one else would do it. She never made anyone else do things, but I didn't fight, so I had to do all of the stuff.

Maybe it was just because I was the oldest at home. Probably. So I guess I shouldn't complain, because that's just the way things were. And I guess a fifteen year old is old enough to know when to start dinner, even if it's not the same time every day. And old enough to know how to keep five kids from doing things they're not supposed to, and to take care of them from when they get home from school, and make sure they get to bed and do their homework and get a good dinner. And I guess I was old enough to figure out what to make for dinner even if there wasn't really anything to cook.

And I guess it wasn't so bad that I got in trouble if I didn't do everything perfectly, and if things weren't taken care of when she got home around ten at night after school let out. It was even later after the car broke down and she had to take the bus.

Lots of people take care of kids and a house and go to school. I also had to do really well in school. Probably, this was mostly my own choice. I wanted to get into college, and the only way to do that was to do really well in school so I could get scholarships. It was sometimes hard to do really well when the kids were being bratty and I had too much to do at home, so I didn't even get to start my homework until around ten at night. But I did it, so I guess it wasn't too hard.

The other thing that STILL makes me mad is, I wasn't allowed to have a job. She said it was so I could focus on school, but I think it's just she knew if I had a job, I might have money of my own. And also, if I had a job, I would probably not do as much work around the house, or babysitting. What was even worse was, every time when I got a summer job, she'd ask for a "loan" of the money I made, so I gave it to her, and then I got $20 a month for myself. So I couldn't even work hard all through the summer to have money, because it went to her. I suppose it was okay, and I made it through.

I feel guilty for being angry about that. It's not like she had other choices. She didn't have someone to help with money or taking care of the kids, and she didn't have anyone her own age to be friends with. That was another thing I did, or someone in the body did. It wasn't me. I think it's parts that turned into grown-ups, because at least they could listen and act like grown-ups when that's what she needed. Maybe it was good for me, having to have grown-up parts when I was younger. It meant that I didn't feel so bad about not getting to act like a normal teenager.

The question I have is, is it okay to be upset about having to do so much more work when I was fifteen than I've ever had to do since then? Because it makes it hard to feel like I'm really doing anything now, because I've never had as much to do since I left home as I did when I lived there. I think maybe fifteen is too young to figure out how to juggle taking care of five little kids, keeping the house together, and doing well in school.


This is Jamie writing. I have a different thing to talk about. It was the other job, the one that made me want to run away. I probably have no right to complain, because it's not like I had to do that job. But I didn't want that job to be done at all.

The others refused to run away. They had some stupid idea that if we stayed until we were 18, then we'd get away "clean" and not stay all tangled up with her like my older sisters did. And they thought there wasn't a good way to make your own living when you're 14, and there wasn't anyone we could live with.

Maybe if we'd actually told someone about what was happening, they would have let us live with them. Probably not, though. And they're probably right, there wasn't a way we could have lived on our own, because it's not like we could ever save up money. Even when they got money, they kept spending it on stupid stuff like clothes and paper and notebooks and garbage like that. Not saving it so we could get away. Like, one year, we got to have $100 from our summer job, and they went and bought a backpack and clothes and school supplies. I bet we could have gotten a bus ticket and gotten somewhere with that much money. But nooooo, they wanted to have stupid stuff for school. Or maybe we could have snuck behind her back and gotten a job anyways. But nooooo, they had to be good and honest, so we were f***ing STUCK.

And that meant the other thing kept on happening. I know some parts thought it was fine. It made them happy. Whatever. "What a wonderful relationship you have with your mother." Eeww. Who wants to date their MOTHER?!?! That is SOOO f***ed up!!!!

I don't care if it meant not getting hit any more. Or even if it meant getting nicer food a couple of times a week. It still makes me SICK to even think about it. And there are parts who LIKED that attention. I guess they didn't know about what happened to the ones who are still hiding. I guess they could also ignore that it's not like she stopped hitting the OTHERS. Not like they care about anyone but themselves anyways. Like, when we finally DID leave, did they take anyone else? Not on your life. They figured they could pretend they had a NORMAL relationship with her, and it would be okay to just act like she wouldn't go and do it to the next one in line, and the next one....

I know she would come into my room at night. That's all I'm going to say about it. It's not like it's my f***ing FAULT, but I'm still embarrassed about it, and I feel like I should have done SOMETHING to make it change. I mean, all of the others ran away. THEY knew enough to get out of the house. My stupid plan meant that I had to go through that for so much longer than any of the others. What kind of idiot chooses to do THAT?!?!


This is Ellis and Jamie writing together now. We're supposed to talk about how it's different now, than then. The adults inside think maybe we won't keep getting mad at W. so much, if we think about how she isn't the same as... her.

Well, okay, she isn't our mother. Everyone is making that VERY CLEAR. She's not supposed to be responsible for taking care of us or helping us. Whatever. I guess we don't deserve to have someone take care of us. Fine.

And she doesn't get mad about us not doing our jobs around the house. And she lets us have money to spend on ourselves, pretty much whenever there is money. She'd be perfectly happy if we got a job outside the house, or figured out some way of earning money. And she'd even let us keep it.

It's not her fault that we don't want to be treated like adults. It's not her fault that we aren't adults, and she shouldn't have to deal with teenagers. It's not even her fault that there are parts who refuse to let us leave, so we feel just as stuck now as we always did, only with no way out, because it's not like we're going to turn 18 in a couple of years and get to be free.

It's not W's fault that the thing that makes us so mad we could explode is that we were treated like adults once already, and it didn't work out well. We don't WANT to be friends with her, because we know where that goes. Probably, because the adult parts are adults, it's okay if they're doing things like that... but still, it makes me (Jamie) SICK to know that happens. It's just like before, because it was always a different part who had to do that stuff. And I don't care if now, the parts are different, and say they like it, and it doesn't make them feel bad. It makes ME feel bad to know it happens, at all, ever to this body. I have to live here, too.

We don't want anyone giving us some comment about how great W. is and how lucky we are that she's willing to put up with us, or whatever. Because, you know what? Just because we know that it's not her fault, doesn't mean we aren't MAD!!! And it's okay to feel mad, right? We're not doing anything to hurt her right now, and I guess we'll work on it. Don't tell us she means well. So did our mother. If you want to comment, skip anything I (Jamie) said, but maybe help Ellis figure out whether it's okay for her to be upset, and how much work it was okay to ask someone her age to figure out how to do.