I'm never sure what to think. There is evidence that I exist, so it shouldn't be this hard. Not sure who I am. All I know is, it doesn't feel like I lose time, until I start to realize that I'm just, I don't know, vague about specifics. But it's not just about not being aware of what the others experience. It's like I lose time even when I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who is present.
And it's hard for me to really believe the others exist. Or that I really have DID. I mean, I can look at journals, and see writing that clearly isn't mine. I can see evidence of things that were most likely done by someone in this body, but which I have no idea how to do. But I guess I'm used to that vagueness.
I remember being in school, kind of. I mean, I can remember walking in the halls and stuff. And I know I'd have no idea what was going on, but then, in the classes, I knew what to talk about. I guess that just seemed like what was normal for me. Maybe not for everyone, but not so out of the ordinary.
I don't really remember much. I know how to get home, if I don't think about it. Put into any city where I've lived, I could probably figure out how to get to where my house was, figure out where the key was, get to my room.
Time doesn't seem real, honestly. It's strange. I'll look around me, and nothing seems unfamiliar, but it doesn't seem familiar, either. It's like things only half exist.
I suppose I should have a name. My therapist asked for one, the last time I was in the office, a couple of weeks ago. She wanted to know how old I am. How can I tell her, when I'm not really sure. I don't really have a name. I'm not entirely sure I exist.
I can tell from the handwriting that I'm not one of the others. But that's a weird way to know you exist, that you have different handwriting. I mean, shouldn't there be something more?
Maybe I'm just a placeholder, but then why am I here, wondering who I am?
Monday, November 05, 2007
spaced out
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4 comments:
Some here can relate to much of what you wrote.
Names are not as important to us (many of those with DID) as they are to therapists. My many parts did not have names only jobs to do. My guess is that they didn't really even know they had a specific job to do, they just did what needed to be done when they were there.
I think that therapists get focused on names because it helps them to identify different parts. I also think they have no idea that requesting names can be very unsettling for many of us.
So not having a name and being unsure of what or why you are there doesn't mean that you are not real. You have plenty of proof that you are in just what you have posted here.
thanks for the comments.
i think that part does kind of want a name. she thinks about it a lot, anyways.
we like it when the parts have names, because then we can figure out who they are, and how to find them and stuff.
plus, for me, life is a lot better since i got a name. it used to be, i was the one who just did everything no one else wanted to do, inside or outside. so all i got to do was the stuff no one wanted to do, and nothing fun. but when i got a name is when i started to get to do the things i like.
don't know much about this part, but she's been around off and on lately. it would be nice to know why.
--ellis
ps--i kind of think she's not so much worried SHE isn't real, as that she's not sure the rest of us are.
--e
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