no title

mandy has been really sad today because she realized we're really not getting a dog.
me, i don't know what the problem is. maybe it's just that if the body is feeling really sad, then my mind puts my own words to the sadness.

or maybe it's that the reason mandy wanted a dog so much was that she is lonely, and i'm just as lonely as she is. and neither of us really has any hope of things getting better, so it's looking at this long bleak life, spent pretty much alone.

i guess it's mean to say that, since we do have w. and friends, although they're not the same as getting to hang out with people our own age, and that's never really going to happen. when the body is with people our ages, then someone older comes out, or whoever is out has to pretend to be someone older.

and the adults aren't back and i'm starting to think they probably aren't coming back, because no one outside can figure out any benefit the ones who are blocking them would gain from having them back.

so i'm stuck being the responsible one.

okay, so i know it's not exactly like when i was growing up. there's no one abusing me. but the situation still sucks, even without the abuse. i'm isolated, like i was then. i'm stuck being responsible for adult things, like i was then. i don't have friends my own age, like i didn't then. i'm stuck dealing with a lot of needy little kids who have all of their own issues, like i was then. (yes, these ones are inside. but it means i can't even go off by myself, at all, ever, since they're in my f***ing BODY with me.)

and even though w is pretty clear that she doesn't expect me to act as her partner... there's a lot of guilt around that. i mean, if i can't figure out how to get the adults back, then how long is this situation going to work? w is bound to get tired of it and want an adult partner, sooner or later.
just feels like nothing's worth the trouble it takes to do it. nothing is going to get better.

this isn't being pessimistic. it's making a realistic prediction based on the evidence at hand.