friends and support group

the problem with not being able to find what you want, or feel like you need, is that you start to think maybe you shouldn't have it. maybe it's wrong to want something, if the world seems designed to keep you from having it, if people you meet act like it's not something healthy.

it's not that the people who actually know me say this. my friends, my therapist: they all say the things i want are perfectly reasonable.

what am i talking about? i, ellis, want to have friends my own age. mandy wants this. jamie wants this. teller wants this. probably the others do too.

i, and lots of the adults in the system, want a really good support group, where we can talk with other people with DID/dissociative disorders about practical, day-to-day coping skills. where we can learn how to manage communication, learn tips for negotiating each of our needs, figure out how to cope.

on friends: we accept that it's totally creepy for someone in an adult body to be hanging out with kids our own ages, so that's not really an option. the ideal thing would be to know other people who are multiple, and be able to have time hanging out with them as friends, so that the younger parts can spend time with people their own ages. finding other multiples is part of why i wanted to go to a support group.


so why am i thinking about this today?

i went to my DID support group, and once again, it was really frustrating and annoying.

i understand that the guidelines they have are meant to make people safe. the problem is, the guidelines do more, in my mind, to keep people from being able to connect with each other, which i guess is a kind of safety, in the way that locking yourself into a cave millions of miles away from everyone else is a kind of safety.

the guidelines that i have a problem with are the ones that say you're not allowed to comment on what others say, and that you're not allowed to offer advice (which implies you're not allowed to ask for advice). they're very explicit about how you're not required to speak, or to answer questions... this is good, except it comes across in a way that makes me feel like it's not okay to *ask* personal questions, or to have any level of contact outside of the group.

and then there's the fact that people come from all kinds of different perspectives. and several of the people, particularly one who often leads off the talking, really are more focused on their "parts" being separate from them. as though *they* are real, but their parts are just these fragments they (the "real person") have to "absorb" so they can be whole.

this means i wind up feeling really uncomfortable bringing my own experience, of being a bunch of different people sharing a body, into discussion. like i'm deluded, or not focused on the "right" method of healing, or something like that.

the one thing that all of the parts in my body agree on is that there IS no single right way to do things. yeah, even the ones who are bossy know-it-alls can accept that. we all recognize that just because something works for one person doesn't mean it works for everyone. kinda like religion--even the christian ones inside here don't think it's the only way to live. they think there are all kinds of ways to approach the divine, and christianity is only one path (i'm hearing a great deal of shrieking from my childhood church services about how clearly this is evidence that i'm listening to the devil or something. i don't care. even michelle, who is probably the most goody-two-shoes, following all the rules, among us... even she sees there isn't just one path!)

and i think lots of people see therapy or healing from abuse the way other people see religion. as though, if something works for one person, then everyone else has to do things exactly their way, or else they're not doing it right. sinning against the therapy gods or something.

i am lucky that my therapist isn't like that, and my friends aren't like that. but it's still hard when it feels like the rest of the world thinks we're wrong.

like, in trying to find friends. there's a lot of stuff out there, kinda the therapy doctrine for DID, that says parts SHOULDN'T have friends of their own. that multiples SHOULDN'T get together for play-dates. they say it's dangerous. they say it's going to stop us from healing. they say that if parts feel something, that just means the host (the "real person") is denying their feelings, and that if the host ("real person") gets *their* needs met, then the parts will be satisfied.

i think that is a load of hooey. i don't think i, or any of the adults, have a frustrated desire to be lady garbagemen. i think mandy is a little kid who likes the idea of hanging off the back of a truck. i don't think the adult parts are just denying that they enjoy candy corn. i think they genuinely don't like eating it.


but the therapeutic doctrine implies that there's this slippery slope. that if you start acting like parts are real, then you're going to do all kinds of stupid things. i may rant further about this article at some other point. i just haven't gotten around to it yet.

so the point is, i end up feeling like maybe i shouldn't want the things i want--friends, support. i feel like there's something wrong with me, that i want to hang out with people who AREN'T inside my body (and, let's face it... the other teenage parts are more like siblings than anything else. would YOU want to spend all of your time hanging out with your siblings? when the only thing that connects you is living in the same house--or body, as the case may be.)

yeah. so i'm feeling discouraged, and also a little angry.