best case scenario if i stay alive is maybe i will be in a *little* less pain in a few months, and maybe i will be in a lot less pain in a few years. if im lucky. and i might wind up being in this much pain over and over again the whole time im alive. there are no guarantees that i will feel better for a significant amount of time. and the only way to get to a point of being in less pain is to go through a lot more pain.
if i die, theres a good chance i will stop being in pain right away. sure maybe it wont work that way but odds are better that i could stop being in pain and it wouldnt come back.
if im dead i dont have to ride the subway any more.
if im dead i dont have to be in crowds.
if im dead i dont have to cope with moving.
if im dead i dont have to cope with anything any more.
i wouldnt have to deal with my family or relationships.
i wouldnt have to deal with money.
i wouldnt have to deal with packing.
i wouldnt have to deal with finding an apartment or living somewhere i dont like.
if im dead no one will expect me to cope with anything. while im alive people will keep on expecting me to deal with things i cant cope with.
i really wish i were dead because thats the only one where the odds are good that i could stop hurting really soon and stop having to cope with things i cant cope with.
plus if i die before w finds a new apartment she can get one that is cheaper and not have to worry about what i want, she can just find something that meets her needs. i think that would be a lot better because then she wouldnt get stuck paying too much in rent or living in a neighborhood that isnt as convenient for her just because i need it. and she wont move based on only her own needs as long as im still alive. if i werent around she could even just look for roommates instead of a whole apartment and that might be easier.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
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5 comments:
I believe there will be rest when I die too. Sometimes, I don't know how I've lived this long. Then I think that maybe I'm supposed to be here still - that whatever my purpose is here on earth, isn't done yet.
I'm sorry you wish so badly to be gone from here. There is so much struggle in this life, I agree. Most of the time I can find good things too, to make it worth it. But sometimes, I can't. It's too hard to see through my bleary eyes of pain. :(
**hugs** to you
Can you find any good things, JA? Like, if you stay alive, that means you get to do... what? Are there things you and w like to do together, or things you enjoy, foods you like, things like that? *hugs*
Sadly, the part who was writing that is in a ****LOT**** of pain. There really isn't anything about life that brings that particular part pleasure, and I think it's quite painful for her when other parts feel happiness, since it means she has that much less chance of escaping.
I'm hoping that if she gets sufficient time in therapy, she'll get a chance to feel better as well, and then there will be things that make her more willing to be alive.
If nothing else, I need to figure out how this part in specific can get into the optometrist, since her vision is really *bad*, and while it doesn't really make a difference in how she feels, I can't help but think that being able to literally see a little more clearly will help with other things. Or at least in the figurative sense.
You okay?
i'm as ok as is reasonable to expect; the severely depressed parts are still depressed, but at least they've been spending a lot of time in therapy, so there's hope that they will eventually feel better.
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