what sucks is i can't even make w happy by killing myself because i can't think of a method i am sure would work and i do NOT want to get stuck in the hospital being told i am manipulative and histrionic again. and i guess it is manipulative to say how much i want to be dead if i have no idea how i would do it. i just wish if the pain won't go away and no one can or will help that the pain could just kill me and i wouldn't have to keep living with it. but no one can help and even people who insist they want to admit they wish i could just kill myself like w said last night. i don't know what is wrong with me that makes me unworthy of help.
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5 comments:
iv been wishing I could die myself. im reallly strung out too
i really like ur blog(s)...i'm really sorry you are all having such a hard time. it is really, really hard to trust that people are stick around.
im wondering if u all have considered a hospitalization at a specialized unit so that maybe ur system could start working together more cooperatively and to help regain some balance between which parts are out?
yeah hospitals that don't get DID SUCK so bad and are retraumatizing but we went to a DID/trauma unit cuz our system was in a big mess and there hadn't been adults around in a long time and they really really helped us get a handle on things...it was basically a planned admission after doing some research w/my t on where to go and we went in with a really specific plan for what we needed to work on and then got out of there.
anyway...i just thought of that cuz it seems like u are all struggling so much and maybe u need some more help than ur getting right now to help stabilize things.
Who says you don't deserve help? Is that your inner messages talking or is that real?
I wish you weren't having a hard time right now. I would help if I there was something I could do that would really be helpful....like maybe listening. I do that pretty well.
chariots--sorry you're feeling like this too. i realized that i don't want to be dead, i just want to feel better, and i don't have much hope of that right now.
(that was from the parts who wrote these posts--the rest is from me, ellis)
maura... the hospital is a huge trigger for us. it was before we went to one, and is much more since we went and had such a bad experience. there are no DID (or even trauma) specific hospitals covered by our insurance, so even if i trusted them not to enforce ideas about healing that aren't really what i need, it's not an option. and painful though it is, i recognize several things. one, despite feeling like i'm not functioning at all, i'm actually holding things together pretty well. the adults function *too* well, and it keeps the rest of us from having the space to heal. and there are parts who step in when we start functioning too well (taking on too much responsibility, putting other things before healing). it sucks, but i can see the value in it.
the help i most need right now is the ability to build up a support network. right now, what i have is people online, my therapist, and my partner. and in times of crisis, it's not really enough. i/we need to get to a point of being able to trust w, and being able to trust that people are willing to help, not because it is their job, but because we are valued for ourselves. that's hard, in part because we very often get the message that people who aren't paid to do so just aren't going to help.
rising rainbow:
it's a complicated thing. the parts who feel like we don't deserve help are getting that message both internally, and from our experience. they have a lot of trouble trusting people, and their trust, such as it is, is really fragile. it shatters easily.
we also were surrounded by people who *said* they loved us growing up. they also said they weren't racist, weren't abusive, weren't poor... they said a lot of things, with great sincerity, that were not true. so it was hard to believe words, and we tend to look to actions instead.
intellectually, i can see that it is possible w didn't really *mean* she wished the parts in question could commit suicide. possible.
but her having said that really taps into a lot of fears. w tends to deny feelings that might be seen as negative. often, we'll sense she is angry, she will deny it, and then later admit that it is true. so if we sense that she wishes we were gone, and she denies it, that is something we have a hard time trusting.
and that's an area we struggle with anyways, because growing up, we had a very strong sense that people only allowed us to be around to the extent that our presence benefited them. that as soon as we were inconvenient or frustrating, we would be abandoned. as soon as we had a need, we would be punished for having it (whether we asked for help, or even expected it, or not).
so i can recognize that much of the pain we're experiencing is tied to stuff that happened growing up.
but at the same time, it's a lesson that has been reinforced more often than not. the time i was in the hospital was the first time i admitted that i was suicidal and needed help. and the people in the hospital said that telling someone you feel suicidal is manipulative and histrionic (the same messages i had been telling myself, and was trying really hard to say were wrong). the therapist i had at that point decided she couldn't work with me any more, and then it was a long struggle to get *any* help, therapy-wise. and there was fallout from friends, who were angry at me for saying i was suicidal (possibly because they were scared for me, or because they were feeling protective of w).
i know that some of my difficulty in getting support is that i have a really hard time asking for it. but in part, i have a hard time asking for it because so often (my adult life included) when i have asked for support, it hasn't been available.
and it's hard to re-write the messages that i'm worthy of support when so many people have made it clear to me that they don't want to talk to me if i'm having a difficult time.
i try to respect their boundaries, and i do understand that other people have difficulties in their own lives.
and the way i am used to doing that is to get myself to the point where i don't expect people to help, which requires holding onto the idea that i don't deserve it. because when i admit to myself that i *do* deserve help, i have trouble dealing with the anger about not getting it, and anger really doesn't make people more inclined to help, you know?
We hear you.
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