apology

dear W.

i'm very sorry for my behavior the past couple of days. i have been very mean and i forgot the most important rule which is it's ok to be mad but it's NOT ok to be mean.

one thing i did that was bad was, i decided what you were thinking and i got mad about that even when you said it was NOT what you were thinking and i just said you were LYING when really you weren't. that wasn't fair of me because i didn't even give you a chance.

another bad thing i did was to say lots of nasty things to you and swear at you. even though it is ok to feel mad it isn't ok to say mean things to hurt someone else. i am sorry about that because i had a hard time remembering that you are not a robot. you are a real person with feelings and just because i feel bad doesn't make it ok to say things to make YOU feel bad.

ANOTHER bad thing i did was ignore the rule about bedtime. that rule is there because even if i don't feel like it, my body has to sleep. also, it is there because YOU need your sleep and it's hard for you when you are worried about me.

i am sorry for doing things to make you worry about me like going out without telling you where, or not answering your text messages when you are at work or i am out on a walk. and especially i'm sorry for going out after you went to sleep because that will make it hard for you to feel like i am safe so you can get your sleep.

one problem with how i acted was because i imagined talking to you about setting limits for me because that is something i need you to help me with. but the problem was, i got mad at you for not helping even though you didn't know about my imaginary conversation with you. it wasn't fair for me to expect you to read my mind.

and even if we HAD had that conversation, it's not fair for me to keep on being more and more bad to make you do something.

i am especially sorry for ripping up the sign you made for our door. it is not ok for me to do something like that no matter how angry i feel.

one important thing i have to learn is you can't help me if i don't let you. and being mean or walking away or refusing to talk are things i did, and it means it was not your fault that i felt lonely. it was my fault.

i am also sorry and ashamed that i worked so much to get the other parts to believe you don't really like us. you are right. i told them hateful things, and that was very wrong.

also, i destroyed Mandy's toys because you gave them to her. that was wrong. i did it to hurt two people. i wanted to make you feel like we didn't like you or the things you give. and i bet Mandy you would not stand up for her and say it wasn't ok for someone to break her toys. that was because i was jealous that you take care of her and not me, and i wanted to make her feel like you wouldn't really and truly take care of her. but that was not fair of me because it wasn't a fair test. you already knew Mandy wanted to break those toys, so it wasn't something important of hers, so you didn't know about the test.

i am very sorry about my behavior and i hope we can work together to come up with ideas for how i can make things better, and also for ideas about how i can do things differently the next time i'm feeling bad.

sincerely,
jamie

ps. one other hting i should not have done is posted those posts on my blog. even though it is my blog where i can write aobut anything i want i wrote those posts to be mean to you and to show how angry i was and how bad i was. it was not ok to be hateful like that. also, i am ashamed that i showed our friends and even strangers how mean and hateful i was being. it is ok if i write things like that in my private journal but not ok to post them online. why it is ok in my journal is even if i am wrong it's still ok to say somewhere how i feel. but not to do it in a way that is to hurt someone's feelings.