Multiplicity can be a choice

First, I want to say that there is so much I have to talk about, that I collectively have experienced over the past week. I have come to an amazing place in my healing process where I feel absolutely confident that I will never again feel as bad as I did in the past--I will feel bad at times, because that is part of the human condition. But the horrible, hopeless despair is gone, and that degree of pain is unlikely to return. The joy and relief are incredible, and I want to share them with everyone I know. But right now, I'll just share the thing that made everything click for me. Maybe later, I'll write more about how it feels to be where I am.

So. Multiplicity as a choice.

I had inklings of this from the beginning, but I never realized it. Once I realized I was multiple, I knew it was important for me to accept it without shame. I knew that would be a vital part of my healing process, because shame is simply not an emotion that leads to healing. Shame helps to cement unhealthy patterns, and no matter how many healing skills we learn, the shame will undermine them every time. (But be aware that you have to go ahead and learn the healing skills, or else you won't be able to get past the shame. And try not to feel ashamed of being ashamed.)

If multiplicity is something that was imposed on me by abuse, it would make sense to say "well, then, my healing won't be complete until the things caused by the abuse have been healed." It would make sense to focus on "healing" my multiplicity.

That never seemed to work for me. Parts of me were very resistant to the idea of being healed until they couldn't be fully and discretely themselves. They never liked the idea other people described, of integration meaning that all of who the parts were got blended into one single person. Their experience is one of being individuals, having thoughts and feelings that are fully their own.

And when there was a focus on healing the multiplicity, it really got in the way of internal communication. Parts who felt they were more healed--the ones who had more access to healing skills--often felt invested in being the ones who led the rest of us. They did have a point, because everyone did need to heal. They were right about that. But they thought they knew the right way to do it, and on that, they were wrong.

So, awkwardly and uncomfortably, we did our best to accept our multiplicity. There was always some doubt, about whether this was really a path that would lead us to healing. Maybe we were wrong, a lot of us worried. Maybe we were slowing the healing process by defining each part concretely. Maybe we were so warped by our childhood, or so invested in some kind of, I don't know, exhibitionist need to be multiple that we were making the problem worse.

But at the same time, we were also sufficiently self-aware to keep checking on a simple thing: whenever we started to act as though we were all individuals in here, people who share a body and absolutely have to compromise, communicate, and cooperate on our mutual life... things would start to get better. The headaches would go away, we could get more done, there were fewer panic attacks and less lost time. When we started to act as though we were a singleton, we lost cooperation. There was more depression, more fear, we were less able to live the life we want to have.

There was still shame and doubt, though. We kept on ignoring the comments from the little kids inside, who insist that lots of people around us are pretty similar to us. We bought into the idea that multiplicity is caused by abuse, and that that it's fairly uncommon. Our shame led us to think that our sense that lots of people are multiple was simply a desire to feel like we had less to be ashamed about.

Then we realized something: what do we have to be ashamed about, anyways? We didn't cause the abuse. We didn't ask for it. We didn't seek it out. For the entire span of our life that we've had control over, there has been no abuse. When we have had a choice, we have chosen healthy relationships. So if multiplicity is anything, it's a lucky development. Our mind, for whatever reasons, gave us tools that allowed us not only to live through the abuse, but to achieve our goals, and live a healthy adult life.

Honestly, we suspect we were going to be multiple regardless of what happened, in one way or another. We might never have chosen to have our own names, and we certainly wouldn't have had to spend years in therapy to cope with being multiple. The problem isn't the multiplicity, and we've realized that more strongly than ever. What has caused problems in our system is that the parts have spent their lives coping with being abused. Healing has taken so long, because we're going through a bunch of different "people's" healing process, and we didn't understand that for most of the time we were working at this.

I started listening when parts kept saying "trying to become ex-multiple, for us, is like trying to become ex-gay." And we have strong opinions on that one, for ourselves. We *are* queer. We accepted that from the outset. We chose to be who we are, without shame or guilt. We didn't listen to the people saying we were only a lesbian for reasons outside of our control. We chose to embrace it. Even though we believe it was true for us from the beginning, we also actively chose to be who we are.

So why not choose to be multiple? It's gonna be there whether or not you choose it. It doesn't matter where it came from, it's there. And there are so many advantages to just going ahead and treating ourselves as a multiple.

When we accepted that we are different people sharing a body, we're holding opposites in our hands: we are one person, living in a single body; we have to learn to cooperate because what one of us does affects everyone here. But at the same time, we are individuals. We each have our own experiences, memories, opinions, and things we want out of life. We can become more fulfilled as individuals when everyone inside is able to understand that they are not the only one here.

The best example is from those times when things are fairly settled for our system. No one is having anxiety, no one is afraid or upset. And then whoever is at the front, if they haven't learned to accept that they are multiple, feels that they are the only one there, or (if they somewhat accept our multiplicity) they think they are the only one in front. So when deciding what to do, they will assume that their opinion is the most important one. "Do I want to check email or play a game?" they will ask themselves when they are getting on the computer. "Well, I want to check email, but I want to play the game more." So they play the game, not realizing that "check email" was a request put in by another part. It can lead to chronic frustration and lack of satisfaction for parts who are less strong-willed, and less able to claim the front. We've been realizing that this is happening recently, and it was a breakthrough in communication. It's really hard to communicate with yourselves if you don't believe there's more than one of you. It's difficult to communicate with people when you assume you know what they want or believe without asking them.

Somehow, this process led us to the notion that by embracing multiplicity, we were embracing something really joyous. It is as though by working to define each part, and accepting that we are each individuals, we were able to click together and accomplish integration of each of our individual selves. We could find all of the parts of ourselves we had assumed belonged to someone else inside.

And that can lead to an amazing realization. It did for us, anyways. We have a part who has been more suicidal than most of us, and who never lost that desperate sense of needing the pain to end. She would say--and we all often thought it was other parts saying this, but now we know differently--she would say "I need the pain to end; I feel like my choices are to continue in pain, to be dead, or to stop the pain." And her first choice was to stop the pain, but she didn't know how. We have finally realized, for us, that acting to stop the pain is all it takes to ease it. Going to therapy, sure, but also, we realized that we have the right to tell people to stop doing things that hurt us. And we have the right to act for ourselves, to reach out, to be honest and imperfect, and not always in control. We realized that there is more safety in taking risks than in constantly being braced for abuse that is no longer happening.

Growing up, we had no choice. We just lived through it, closed ourselves off to the pain, and did our best to survive. As adults, that pattern was ingrained. We would act to avoid things that were painful, and we would stop obvious hurts. But the hurts of isolation, the hurts of being around people who we care about who are hurting... those, we didn't know what to do about, or we were afraid to act.

I can't quite say which came first, deciding to embrace multiplicity willingly and without shame, or realizing that we can choose that third path: the path that leads to changing the rules so that we can be happy and fulfilled. Honestly, it probably happened simultaneously, along with a lot of other things. When we are able to listen to other parts, they will tell us some very healing things.

Whatever the cause, realizing that multiplicity is a choice, and making the choice to be multiple, somehow caused us to experience what has got to be integration for us. We are still each our individual selves, and we feel fairly confident that we've collected all the lost bits and pieces of who we were. It's been delightful to realize that a part who seemed to do nothing but provoke problems is also the one who finds nothing more satisfying than to fix things. Messing stuff up is part of fixing things, and Petra is dedicated to doing both of those things. Most freeing of all is how Why transformed into Tertia--she has always pushed us, in ways that felt terrifying to everyone involved, to find that third path, the one that requires neither living through abuse nor being dead. Her desire to end the pain was strong, and her desire to live a life without pain motivated the rest of us to keep up with the healing process.

Why do I call it integration, if we have not turned into a single person? Because we've realized that integration doesn't have to be--perhaps should not be--about everyone becoming the same. It's about finding a place for every part, and giving them an equal voice in the running of the system. It means that we take each part's needs into account, and work to make a life where all of us can be happy. We are one system, and we've never doubted that. But we are also a collection of individuals, and choosing to accept that has given us access to more strength and joy than we imagined would ever be possible.

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United States of Jigsaw Analogy

"I pledge allegiance to the fact of the single personhood of Jigsaw Analogy, and to the community for which that stands, one person, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

I've been thinking about a lot of things, lately. Or, more to the point, we have been thinking about a lot of things lately, since there are two parts writing this! Anyhow. One of the many things going on in our collective head is some thinking about what it means to "integrate."

Reading the "healing" literature, (well-intentioned, but sometimes that is some really damned SHAMING literature!). Anyhow. Reading that, you'd get the impression that for a multiple to heal, they have to do something like become part of a Borg collective: "Your emotional and intellectual distinctiveness will be assimilated into our collective. We are Borg, resistance is futile. You WILL be assimilated."

Um, hello? That version of integration would be like telling people of color that in order to be integrated into society, they have to act just like everyone else. It's like saying that an integrated society is one where somehow people retain their "culture," but God forbid they go around acting different from the norm, because that would mean they weren't really integrated. And sure, there are people who believe this. Hell, there are people who think that the way to make society--or, frankly an individual with multiplicity--happy, healthy, and worth living in is to get rid of anything that doesn't fit with their idea of perfection.

That is just about the stupidest idea, when you come to think of it. Sorry, racists and people who can't handle difference. I know that other parts of this system like to act all tolerant and everything, and want to make sure that everyone feels welcome reading this blog. Too bad. If you're a racist, I don't care if I offend you that I think racism is stupid. And if you're someone who is going to tell me that the best way to be integrated is for all of the parts to merge into one, well, I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and risk offending you, too.

When I read or hear about people "integrating" in that fashion, it seems more like they are becoming ex-gay. I mean, yeah. They've learned to repress the parts of themselves that make them different from the norm. And this can make people feel more comfortable, and some people--therapists and psychiatrists included, God help us all--think that feeling more comfortable by avoiding conflict is totally the way to go.

I respectfully disagree. I want to integrate in that fashion just about as much as I want to become ex-gay, or want to integrate racially by pretending my skin color is invisible. Ain't gonna happen, folks.


But what if there were a different way to do this? What if integration as a multiple could be more like becoming a republic, which is to say--a lot of individual parts, recognizing that they are part of a whole while still being individuals. What if instead of focusing on merging into a seamless whole, integration could be something messy and complicated and hard to work through? Something where maybe it isn't easier, but no one has to be assimilated into the collective?

Which isn't to say that I'm against that whole "pulling together the disparate parts of yourself." 'Cause the fact is, multiples DO need to do that, or at least my system did. Or maybe it's just checking in, and recognizing which parts of the whole go with which parts. There are a lot of folks inside of my body who thought that they were just one thing. (Ellis, for example, thought that aside from being resentful, she was pretty much perfect. :P ) But as we've had each part "integrate" their experience, they've discovered, "Oh! look at that! It turns out that I'm not just angry--I am the one who is really good at these things, and I'm the one who does those things that are totally unrelated to being angry!"

Because the complicated thing with sharing a body is, if you're not very in touch with yourself as a part, you can lose touch with parts of yourself-the-part. If you've got shame, or fear, or whatever, maybe you attribute parts of your actions that don't fit with your self-image to other parts of the system.

So let's say you see yourself as absolutely perfect, like Ellis does. You might have a hard time reconciling that with the fact that you're really critical, and judgmental, and just a wee bit controlling. And parts like that (sorry, Ellis, but this is true. Goes for you, too, Cleo.) will think that when they fight to make sure that the entire system acts like one single person, some assimilated Borg collective of "individual parts" who represent to the outside world as a fairly seamless whole, that they are doing this for other peoples' comfort, or that they are doing this to keep the system safe.

Here's an analogy for you: This is like gay people who are so uncomfortable and afraid and ashamed of being different that they "act straight" all the time. Don't get me wrong. There are times that you need to act straight. Or at least, there are times when you need not to call attention to the fact of your difference.

But that doesn't mean it's true ALL the time. I suspect it's not even true MOST of the time. It's all about calculated risks. Look around you. Are these people really going to hurt you if they find out you're different? How can they hurt you? Most of the time, there is absolutely nothing they can do, if it turns out that you're different.

Sure, this isn't true for everyone. There are people who will lose their jobs, or their children, if someone finds out they are gay. There are people who will lose their jobs, or their children, if someone finds out that they are multiple. I say, those of us who don't run that risk have a responsibility to be as out as we possibly can. Because you know what? The only way, the ONLY way to make the world safe is for people to be brave enough to reclaim the different parts of themselves, and be proud of every part of who they are.

I'm not saying that individual parts can go off acting like they own the whole body. Because you are parts of a whole. Call it a jigsaw puzzle, call it a crazy quilt, call it a republic. It doesn't matter what you call it. You're not in this alone, and you can't go off acting like you are. And that includes the parts who try to pretend that the way to integrate is to pretend that everyone is exactly the same, and there is none of that difference that makes people so uncomfortable.

Note: this post started out being written with Ellis, but then she got over her bad self and let me take control. Me being Xan. I'll point out that it's a problem, when someone who is all over the idea of being out as multiple has trouble coping with the idea of some other part showing up in a space that is supposed to be accepting of multiplicity. Like, you know, their own blog.

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NaNoWriMo

I'm participating in NaNoWriMo, the National Novel Writing Month. The aim is to write a whole novel in a single month. Notice that I say "write" rather than "complete," since the only way I can make it to the finish line is if I don't stop to edit on the way.

The novel I'm working on might be of interest to people who read this blog, since it's about someone who survived abuse, and now needs to learn to cope with the tools she used--things like dissociation, and shielding herself emotionally. I frame it as a fantasy, and an exploration of fairy tales, so hopefully, it will be interesting even to people who haven't coped with these issues.

I have posted an excerpt at my writing blog, and I may post more, if anything seems ready to share as the month progresses.

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A very good book!

Here is a link to a very good book called The Monster At The End of The Book. If you have not read it before then definitely you should. It is very funny and I like it a lot. I bet you will like it too. In the story, Grover from Sesame Street is afraid about the monster at the end of the book and he does not want you to turn the page, but I bet you WILL turn the page if you are curious about books!

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toni collette won an emmy for tara

it's pretty cool. (i only know about this so soon because w found out somehow, and she came in to tell me. i didn't even know when the emmys were!)

i kind of hope this leads to more awareness about DID/MPD. the show handles it pretty well, i think. it's intelligent and humorous without making fun of the disorder, in my opinion. so i'm glad i'm not the only one who thinks so.

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i dont know

so i was going to therapy a lot for a while because the other parts thought i needed it most or something. well, me and a couple of other parts. and one of the things that has happened i think probably because of therapy is i dont get suicidal any more. at least i havent for a while.

most people would think this is good. i guess it probably is. but its not like the feelings that were overwhelming went away. so now what happens is i feel horrible but i dont feel like theres a way to just make those feelings go away. i guess what i learned is i can live through them and that they will eventually end or something. but when im feeling those feelings it seems like they are just too much. but i dont get an escape hatch.

maybe there is something that will happen with more therapy where i will get to a point where those feelings arent so horrible any more or something. and i guess there are one or two things in my life (i mean MY life not just the life of the body where i live) that i kind of like. so its not 100% horrible and that is better than it used to be where i thought that other parts were just me pretending to be ok or have fun or filling time. now i can tell that sometimes things actually are a little bit fun or not too bad or something.

but its really hard when the things that used to be who i was are disappearing. im not as mean to w because i guess i care a little bit about how she feels but that only goes so far. i mean i can care a little but then i cant keep being all nice and stuff so i just kind of go through enough motions that i can go out of the room and not have to have anything to do with it if im in a bad mood.

it used to be i would get in a fight or do something to cause problems and that was really a lot easier and it wasnt so uncomfortable for me as when i care a tiny bit but not enough to help.

and i dont get the options of hurting myself except for things like smoking. i mean i am even eating my meals and taking stupid vitamins. but i kind of cant cope with everything turning all perfect and smooth. i dont like it. i guess i feel a little guilty about that. and i can hear the voices in me saying "what are you saying everything is perfect and smooth you are still lazy and not doing anything worthwhile and never ever doing as much as you are supposed to be doing" and stuff like that. like not doing housework or having a job or sleeping in a bed with w. i feel like those are signs im bad.

maybe i am worried about other stuff going smooth because once that stuff is more ok then i will be expected to do everything like i used to like sleep in a bed with her or take care of the house and have a job and just everything.

but at the same time i feel bad that i cant handle doing that. i am supposed to want that and instead what i want is to kind of not do the things like that that make me panicky and overwhelmed. ESPECIALLY if there isnt an escape hatch like being dead. because it feels like that stuff is this big rock pile balanced above me and if i move anything even the littlest bit wrong then it will all come crashing down on me and i will be crushed. and being crushed when there isnt an escape hatch is a scary idea.

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folk festivel

I am at a fok festevel for this week i have ben looking forwerd to it for a wile caues it is fun to be here. Also the pepul here are very nise even if you do not act normel they will still be frindly. We have been here a few tiems so we know the pepul pretty well it is great. Also it is a good way for a vacashen of not to much money espeshelly if you liek music. It is not onley foke music also it is other kinds of music. My frinds are all asleep riet now but that is ok.

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i dont see the point

w has asked for lists of things she can do when i am depressed or upset. i have given them to her. i even set up a website that she can look at from her phone or her computer that has a list of things she can do instead of saying she doesnt know what to do. she doesnt look at it.

and i suck so much there is no one else i can call. i guess i have a couple of friends but they are busy with their own stuff and not available. my therapist was away this week and will be away next week so thats no good.

i did my best to hold together this week and it worked until things tipped over today because there was just too much stress and now i am stuck with this place of feeling like crap and i cant get myself out and there is no one i can think to call for help i have already done all of the things i know to do to feel better and they are not helping i cant go to sleep because the fucking people upstairs have their music blasting so i am just stuck feeling like crap and having absolutely no exit. im too panicky to go out and be around strangers plus there is nowhere to go in this fucking neighborhood even if i did want to go out. sure i could go hang out at the 24 hour convenience store but its not like that will help anything.

i feel like worthless crap. it sucks to feel so rotten and know there is no one i can call to talk to even if i were feeling better. and i know if i were feeling better that wouldnt be so bad i dont mind that my friends have things they are doing or are busy with. but the fact that i can feel this way and there is no one to call and i am just out of ideas of what else to do.

and i cant even think about killing myself because i know that isnt an option other parts wont let me do it no matter how crappy i feel or how long it lasts so i just have to accept that i have another forty or fifty or sixty years of this to come. fuck. i hate this.

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we're pretty excited about the sims 3. it's funny. we were really into the first version of the sims, but then with relationships and life and stuff, never got into the second version.

but the thing we're really looking forward to about the sims3 is that it seems like it will be possible to make sims who will behave like different parts of the system, and that will be really cool. we'll see how it goes once we actually have the game (we're really disappointed that they postponed the release until june, since originally it was february).

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been a while

i haven't posted in a while. partly it's because i've been having bad fibro, and i still don't have a good desk chair, so i get tired pretty fast when i sit at my desk. partly, it's because the parts who have been out lately haven't been as interested in writing, or if one part wants to write something, someone else has another idea of what to write about and then there's conflict, so nothing gets written.

or maybe it's that the parts who have mainly been out aren't ones who have been on the blog much so they don't feel as comfortable writing? not sure.

i miss the things i used to do, and by that i mean things i was doing just a few months ago.

in terms of an update, we wound up thinking about the reasons s. had for not taking our insurance any more, and they made sense. and also, we figured that if she's willing to see us for a copay that is less than half what she was getting from the insurance company, odds are she isn't actually trying to get rid of us. so on the up side, we'll still be seeing her for therapy. on the down side, that's $200 a month we have to spend now that we didn't have to spend before. but there is another positive: i applied for food stamps, and they are giving me... $200 a month. so it works out even, pretty much. so that's good.

one thing happening is that parts have been struggling with memories and being triggered. one thing we've realized is that the triggers from present stuff are especially powerful because we don't actually remember the stuff that made it triggering. not sure if that makes sense. i explained it to w like this: let's say i went to the circus, watched a bunch of clowns, and then got stepped on by an elephant. but i blocked out being stepped on by the elephant, and just remembered how painful it was. so now, every time i see clowns, i'm afraid of the pain of being stepped on by an elephant. so clowns are what's scary. but really, the problem was the elephant.

so i kind of think if i can get to the point where i remember the elephant, then the clowns won't be nearly as upsetting.

the problem is, it's hard to stop blocking out memories. it's one of those things i have done for so long, and it's such a habit to keep myself from remembering things. and i have a lot of fears about remembering things, too. and i used to get such positive responses from NOT remembering, and it's hard to let go of that. plus, there's the fear that i'm making it up.

i guess that's something to think about. intellectually, i don't really believe the false memory people are right. they just come across as people who are trying to keep things hidden, and who are trying to keep people from finding out about bad things.

but at the same time, i can think of a bunch of things that i used to think were just nightmares i had, and then someone in my family will describe something that happened, and it's like... oh. that wasn't a nightmare. that really *happened* pretty much exactly as it did in the recurring nightmare.

so it seems like i would then be more willing to believe the *other* "nightmares" i have that are like those are also true. but in a lot of ways, i don't want them to be true. but at the same time, maybe realizing they are true is the only way to reduce their power. on the OTHER hand, realizing the things i now know are true are true hasn't reduced their power. those things are still upsetting for me.

so that's part of what's going on, at least right now.

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what i dont understand

what i dont understand is why i cant mess up at all before people drop me. there are two people in the world that i tried to trust. w hasnt dropped me yet but im sure she will pretty soon unless i shape up and i am tired of trying to keep myself together so i think i wont bother. it will just make things easier, because she will drop me too and then i wont have anyone.

i know there are people who say they care and i guess they do as far as it goes but i know they are only around so long as i dont ask for anything or expect anything from them, just take what they are willing to offer without being asked. i know that if i start expecting things then people will get tired of me and figure out a way to stop having things expected.

it just sucks when its someone i tried kind of hard to trust and as soon as i slip up then shes not there anymore.

what sucks even more is how she is going to get to do this and tell herself and everyone else that it was my choice she bent over backwards by offering a cheaper fee so i could keep seeing her but i wasnt willing to pay it. a cheaper fee, sure, but even if i went to just one session a week instead of three it would still be more than 1/4 of my ssi. and if i wanted to see her 3 sessions a week like we have been then that would be almost all of my ssi money and since we're paying more rent now that would mean we would have to figure out how to pay money that really isnt available.

so what sucks is i cant even talk to her about how it feels like shes dumping me for being too difficult because she will just say that isnt true it is that same way that people all my life have said one thing but done another.

i wasnt even that difficult. i dont miss sessions or show up late. im not rude or stuff like that. it just goes to show that no matter what people *say* when they are trying to act like im a normal person what happens is one little slip up and not even that little and then people dont want to help anymore.

but im not supposed to say that i am supposed to go along with pretending that everything is normal and just pretend that people are there for me. well you know what they arent. w is still around but its only a matter of time. the only reasons she sticks with me are she hopes that the good parts will be back more and also that she is worried that she wouldnt get someone else to date her if she fixed her low self esteem she would see that lots of people would be happy to date her i guess i should be glad she isnt fixing her low self esteem but im not i would rather she could see it would be easy for her to get someone else to date her. and also she doesnt want to be someone who had a breakup of a long relationship and i guess she thinks that breaking up would mean she was a bad person or something. but i think that once she realizes no one would think she was bad for breaking up with me then she will dump me.

i guess i should have expected this. i didnt though. susan has always said she is committed to working with me so i took a chance. i guess i was testing that when i said i wanted to quit. i didnt really want to quit i wanted someone to stop me from hurting myself well no one is going to stop me from hurting the only thing they will do is if i say i am going to kill myself then they will lock me up in the psych ward. they wont help all i can do is figure out how to not care that i am hurting and that i am so worthless that as soon as i am a little bit of trouble people drop me.

i guess that isnt fair to w because i am some trouble for her but i think that as soon as the trouble outweighs whatever good she has gotten then shell dump me. i just wish it would happen soon i guess that if i can keep the other parts from coming out then it will just be a month or two before she gets fed up and then i will be free. there wont be anyone left who would be more than a little upset if i disappeared. i guess people will say they would be a lot upset but i dont think it would take that long i know how to just kind of drift away and then people wouldnt really even think about me after a while. i just need to accept that things arent going to get better and then it will be fine.

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therapy

i was thinking about quitting therapy for a lot of reasons mostly that i dont think its making much difference for me. theres no reason for me to feel depressed any more but i still do so that means its something wrong with me instead of something wrong with things in my life.

well the decision about whether to quit therapy got easier i think because my therapist isnt going to be taking my insurance anymore. they are flaky about actually paying the therapists and even though they do it eventually it takes a long time before they pay up and a lot of hassle. so my therapist is done with dealing with them. not just because of the issues with getting paid for my sessions but also the trouble with other clients of hers that have this insurance. i dont know how many of her other clients have the same insurance though.

she did say she would do a reduced fee for me but the cheapest she could possibly go would still be a couple hundred a month even if i was having fewer sessions. and if im going to pay a couple hundred a month for something why not pay for something that will actually make me feel better like drugs or something? i dont know if drugs would make me feel better but they might. i guess that isnt a good idea because its not legal. i dont know.

i cant help but think she did this right now because im not being all good and saying the right things anymore. like, i told her last weekend i was thinking about quitting but she had me come in on tuesday anyway and she convinced me to keep trying but then today she said she was going to stop taking my insurance. she says that doesnt mean she doesnt want to keep working with me but she knows we dont have much spare money.

so i guess i will be quitting therapy pretty soon when she has stopped taking my insurance. it was stupid of me to trust that she would still be there. as soon as i started being difficult she made it difficult for me to see her so that she could say she was still willing to work with me and it would be my fault that im not seeing her anymore. i dont care. i know that she did this because i was difficult and this is her way to tell herself its my fault and not hers. now i just have to wait for w to get fed up which will probably happen pretty soon.

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hard times

i should feel better than this. there is no reason to feel like i've been feeling. my life is good. i have a partner who cares about me, i'm not getting abused, i got approved for ssi, we have housing. w got her tax refund, so we've even got money for treats.

but i feel crummy. i am depressed. probably part of it is that if the stuff on the outside of my life is fine, and i'm still feeling crappy it feels like there's nothing i can do to feel better. if i can't be happy now, when things are going all right, then i'm never gonna feel happy. if i don't feel loved by w, if it just doesn't make me feel like someone will take care of me and keep me safe, and if i can't do that myself, then it's like these feelings aren't ever going to ease up.

i guess i should try to let other parts come out more, but i keep winding up being the one who is out. not enough that i can just get it over with and stuff, but enough that i'm mostly the one here. i dont know. i guess i should just try to do the things the other ones do and not let things slide i cant be bothered i just dont care but the other parts are out enough that w is sticking around. theyre out enough that i dont quit therapy even though i think that would be better. but theyre not out enough for them to be happy.

i dont even know if i want them out. i guess when they are out i dont feel as bad or something. at least there are times when i am not aware of whats going on around me or how i feel. there is a dotted line in how i live, where there are times that just dont happen for me. mostly if someone else is out and im not there at all then its like that time doesnt exist and i disappear or something. is that better? i guess its better than hurting so much i want to be dead. but then the next time im out then i still hurt this badly and i am getting tired of hurting and since i cant decide to just disappear and not exist any more then maybe its better if i can be out more and figure out how to stop hurting. but i dont know how except the one way and if i talk about that then there will be evidence if someone wants to put me in the psych ward. i dont really want to be dead i just want to stop hurting. and i dont have much hope for that. i feel like if i cant feel ok now then what reason do i have to think i would be ok in the future?

i know im not supposed to feel that way or talk about it or something. im supposed to say oh, poor me, i went through trauma when i was a kid of course i feel bad. but i have been through what, sixteen years of therapy now? something like that. hasnt really made much difference that i can see. almost three years of dealing with did, and i still feel crappy any time i show up. ok, sure, other parts dont. great for them. still sucks when im out. i still want anything that will stop the pain, and i figure its a two in three chance that being dead would be less painful than where i am now. i dont know the chances of feeling better while im still alive but im not feeling hopeful about it.

but right now im not going to do anything about it. i wish i could just will myself dead but that doesnt work. i guess if it did i would have done it when i was a baby.

i remember when i was in 8th grade, writing a paper for science class. one of the first times that was probably good evidence for me switching, because apparently this paper had been talked about every day for more than a month, but i found out about it the day before it was due. but thats not the point of what im writing about. i was reading something or other, in some book. it talked about how babies who arent taken care of, who dont get nurtured, will just fail to thrive. they will die, even if theyre getting fed. probably worse if they are getting hurt along with that, i bet. but i guess there was just enough nurturing, or something, to keep me alive. enough of whatever it was that i managed to learn how to switch and dissociate rather than just giving up and dying. i guess there was a part who managed to get some kind of nurturing. that wasnt me. i can feel a direct line back to that other baby, the one who learned when it was tiny to stop noticing how it felt because if you notice how youre feeling then you are going to cry and then you get hit. so you cant need to be hugged or have your diaper changed or get fed regularly. you have to just figure out how not to need any of that.

or maybe its the baby who was not ok with that who felt hurt and sad and angry and all the things youd feel if your needs werent getting met. i dont know. its not exactly like i am that baby, just that baby is like... an earlier version or something. i dont know. but its there. its there in that place where i am, where petra and terra usually are. maybe another one. and now im not completely sure who i am. why is that baby with us? why are we so tangled up together? i know that at least petra and terra want to be like the other parts, more ok, more relaxed, stuff like that. they dont want to keep being tangled up with me. i dont really want them tangled up with me. but that keeps happening.

i dont know what im writing about or even why im writing. theres a part of me thats getting really mad that im doing it and now i dont even know who i am.

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Snow day!

Today was a snow day we are so happy about that caues it is from we asked for there to be a lot of snow there was hardly any snow all winter long and almost we thot there wuld not be any snow at all this winter ecksept just a little bit but then there was all most a FOOT of snow. we did not think ther wuld be a snow day tho caues they all most never give a snow day here then ther WAS a snow day so w stayd hoem and we playd in the snow also we had hot chocklit and chocklit otemeal for brekfast it was yummy the hot chocklit was a snack after we playd in the snow not for brekfast.

We are happy about the snow not just caues we wanted it also from we ASKED for it and we got it ivy says ask and ye shall receve that is from probly the bible or maby somwher els i do not no for sure. it means if you ask then maby you will get soemthing lots of pepul asked for a snow day then they said it was a snow day but i am maby the onley one who asked for about one foot of snow and then i got ecksactly that.

I do not always get wat i ask for liek i askd for a puppy with curly ears i did not get one singel puppy but that is ok a puppy is a lot of WORK i fond out caues up stars has a puppy they do not taek good car of it they tie it up out sied it is very sad i do not want to do that it is to meen but if i was to buzy to taek car of it probly i wuld do that so i will just hav a maginary puppy or else one that is a toy. i will hav to find a frind a diffrent way from a puppy i think that is better.

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hating being crazy

today is one of those days where i am really HATING being crazy. really hating it.

instead of watching the inauguration, i had therapy. things kind of went downhill from there. i mean, just spending my day having therapy is bad enough in the usual run of things. other people have jobs, do useful things in the world, do things for other people, and so much of my time is taken up by coping with the fact that i am crazy.

and today, it was the inauguration of the first african-american president. this is amazing. i am thrilled. and yet... the tears i had today were not tears of joy, and it was the stupid, all-about-me feelings that i hate having, but don't have the force of will to keep from coming.

why was i crying?

i was reading an email, and someone was writing about how wonderful this is for little biracial children, how they can look to the white house, and see that anything is possible. and the tears came, because here i am... i had so much potential. when i was a kid, teachers would say that i could become the first black, and the first female president. they really believed i had that much potential.

as i got older, i realized i didn't want to go into politics, but i definitely still had that potential. i really believed that i could do anything i set out to do. and for 20 years, for maybe even 30 years, i was able to make that be true. hard work, intelligence, luck. whatever combination of things, it was working. i was demonstrating how much i could do, in spite of handicaps.

it was about overcoming. that's kind of how i made peace with the things i couldn't control: i focused on overcoming them. sure, we were poor when i was growing up, but that was something that didn't have to be permanent, that didn't have to say anything about who i was as a person. same with me being biracial, or female, or anything else.

i guess i thought that by getting past it, by achieving what i wanted in spite of the things that made it hard, that kind of erased the negatives.

and then... it feels like it all got thrown off by me going crazy. everything else, i managed to handle. i even dodged the bullet several times with going crazy. i can think of times where it came so close, and i managed to get past it, and keep going on.

so this last time... damn, it sucks. it's like i lost all of the things i was trying to do, which means, deep down, that it feels like i lost my chance not to be the person that the bad stuff happened to. because that's what the accomplishment was about. it was about proving to the world, or maybe more, proving to myself that just because i was black, or poor... just because i was abused during my childhood, it didn't mean i couldn't have a good life as an adult.

it's not about being black, or poor, really. certainly, those are things i can talk about with people, so i can tell they aren't the things i have trouble with. but i guess that i believed that if i just did enough, achieved enough, overcame enough, i could erase the abuse. make it like it didn't matter, didn't count, didn't really happen.

and then being crazy came along, and proved I really couldn't just ignore it. I couldn't really just act like it hadn't happen or didn't matter. And I'm furious about that.

But maybe mostly, I'm furious with myself over that. It was my job to make it as though it had never happened. It feels like that was the only way my life could work, the life I wanted to have. If I could act like it didn't matter that I was abused, that it was all in the past.

It's not even, not exactly, that I wanted to pretend it hadn't happened. I just wanted to have a life where it didn't matter that it had happened to me. Where I could deal with it, once a week, in a tidy therapy session. Where I could be a good advocate for children, make sure I did everything I could so it wouldn't happen to other children, and leave it at that.

I didn't want to walk around covered with scars. I didn't want to have to have it be this crippling thing that's making it hard for me to even make it through the day, with shockingly little expected of me.

I certainly didn't want it to take away from sharing joy with so many other people in this country, this historic moment that I feel is getting tainted by things that happened half a lifetime ago.

And that's part of what really makes me angry. That here I am, sixteen and a half years after leaving home, and I'm still reeling from the things that happened. It's not fair. I'm furious at my mind, for not being able to find a better way out, for interfering with my ability to cope. I'm furious with myself, for not being able to maintain the discipline that would have let me keep going on.

I want to be able to feel happy, and all I'm getting is sadness and anger. It sucks, and it isn't fair.

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still alive

i haven't been posting much, since we moved last month, then there were the holidays, and just a lot of chaos added onto the stuff already going on in my head.

i'm still alive, and while there are parts who aren't happy about that, at least they're managing to stick around for right now. there's been a lot of switching, probably triggered by the move, and a lot of internal chaos, either because of the move, or stuff that was already stirred up inside, or because of the external chaos of still not having all of the furniture we need for the apartment, and so too much of our stuff is in boxes.

i'll try to be a little better with updates, or at least to notice when someone really depressed has posted so i can be sure to have some kind of update after that.

and to anyone whose blog i generally comment on, but haven't: i'm still trying to get caught up, so i haven't been reading blogs much. and added to that is the fact that several of the parts who have been out a lot recently just don't seem to spend much time online.

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