therapy

i was thinking about quitting therapy for a lot of reasons mostly that i dont think its making much difference for me. theres no reason for me to feel depressed any more but i still do so that means its something wrong with me instead of something wrong with things in my life.

well the decision about whether to quit therapy got easier i think because my therapist isnt going to be taking my insurance anymore. they are flaky about actually paying the therapists and even though they do it eventually it takes a long time before they pay up and a lot of hassle. so my therapist is done with dealing with them. not just because of the issues with getting paid for my sessions but also the trouble with other clients of hers that have this insurance. i dont know how many of her other clients have the same insurance though.

she did say she would do a reduced fee for me but the cheapest she could possibly go would still be a couple hundred a month even if i was having fewer sessions. and if im going to pay a couple hundred a month for something why not pay for something that will actually make me feel better like drugs or something? i dont know if drugs would make me feel better but they might. i guess that isnt a good idea because its not legal. i dont know.

i cant help but think she did this right now because im not being all good and saying the right things anymore. like, i told her last weekend i was thinking about quitting but she had me come in on tuesday anyway and she convinced me to keep trying but then today she said she was going to stop taking my insurance. she says that doesnt mean she doesnt want to keep working with me but she knows we dont have much spare money.

so i guess i will be quitting therapy pretty soon when she has stopped taking my insurance. it was stupid of me to trust that she would still be there. as soon as i started being difficult she made it difficult for me to see her so that she could say she was still willing to work with me and it would be my fault that im not seeing her anymore. i dont care. i know that she did this because i was difficult and this is her way to tell herself its my fault and not hers. now i just have to wait for w to get fed up which will probably happen pretty soon.