what i dont understand

what i dont understand is why i cant mess up at all before people drop me. there are two people in the world that i tried to trust. w hasnt dropped me yet but im sure she will pretty soon unless i shape up and i am tired of trying to keep myself together so i think i wont bother. it will just make things easier, because she will drop me too and then i wont have anyone.

i know there are people who say they care and i guess they do as far as it goes but i know they are only around so long as i dont ask for anything or expect anything from them, just take what they are willing to offer without being asked. i know that if i start expecting things then people will get tired of me and figure out a way to stop having things expected.

it just sucks when its someone i tried kind of hard to trust and as soon as i slip up then shes not there anymore.

what sucks even more is how she is going to get to do this and tell herself and everyone else that it was my choice she bent over backwards by offering a cheaper fee so i could keep seeing her but i wasnt willing to pay it. a cheaper fee, sure, but even if i went to just one session a week instead of three it would still be more than 1/4 of my ssi. and if i wanted to see her 3 sessions a week like we have been then that would be almost all of my ssi money and since we're paying more rent now that would mean we would have to figure out how to pay money that really isnt available.

so what sucks is i cant even talk to her about how it feels like shes dumping me for being too difficult because she will just say that isnt true it is that same way that people all my life have said one thing but done another.

i wasnt even that difficult. i dont miss sessions or show up late. im not rude or stuff like that. it just goes to show that no matter what people *say* when they are trying to act like im a normal person what happens is one little slip up and not even that little and then people dont want to help anymore.

but im not supposed to say that i am supposed to go along with pretending that everything is normal and just pretend that people are there for me. well you know what they arent. w is still around but its only a matter of time. the only reasons she sticks with me are she hopes that the good parts will be back more and also that she is worried that she wouldnt get someone else to date her if she fixed her low self esteem she would see that lots of people would be happy to date her i guess i should be glad she isnt fixing her low self esteem but im not i would rather she could see it would be easy for her to get someone else to date her. and also she doesnt want to be someone who had a breakup of a long relationship and i guess she thinks that breaking up would mean she was a bad person or something. but i think that once she realizes no one would think she was bad for breaking up with me then she will dump me.

i guess i should have expected this. i didnt though. susan has always said she is committed to working with me so i took a chance. i guess i was testing that when i said i wanted to quit. i didnt really want to quit i wanted someone to stop me from hurting myself well no one is going to stop me from hurting the only thing they will do is if i say i am going to kill myself then they will lock me up in the psych ward. they wont help all i can do is figure out how to not care that i am hurting and that i am so worthless that as soon as i am a little bit of trouble people drop me.

i guess that isnt fair to w because i am some trouble for her but i think that as soon as the trouble outweighs whatever good she has gotten then shell dump me. i just wish it would happen soon i guess that if i can keep the other parts from coming out then it will just be a month or two before she gets fed up and then i will be free. there wont be anyone left who would be more than a little upset if i disappeared. i guess people will say they would be a lot upset but i dont think it would take that long i know how to just kind of drift away and then people wouldnt really even think about me after a while. i just need to accept that things arent going to get better and then it will be fine.