i dont see the point

w has asked for lists of things she can do when i am depressed or upset. i have given them to her. i even set up a website that she can look at from her phone or her computer that has a list of things she can do instead of saying she doesnt know what to do. she doesnt look at it.

and i suck so much there is no one else i can call. i guess i have a couple of friends but they are busy with their own stuff and not available. my therapist was away this week and will be away next week so thats no good.

i did my best to hold together this week and it worked until things tipped over today because there was just too much stress and now i am stuck with this place of feeling like crap and i cant get myself out and there is no one i can think to call for help i have already done all of the things i know to do to feel better and they are not helping i cant go to sleep because the fucking people upstairs have their music blasting so i am just stuck feeling like crap and having absolutely no exit. im too panicky to go out and be around strangers plus there is nowhere to go in this fucking neighborhood even if i did want to go out. sure i could go hang out at the 24 hour convenience store but its not like that will help anything.

i feel like worthless crap. it sucks to feel so rotten and know there is no one i can call to talk to even if i were feeling better. and i know if i were feeling better that wouldnt be so bad i dont mind that my friends have things they are doing or are busy with. but the fact that i can feel this way and there is no one to call and i am just out of ideas of what else to do.

and i cant even think about killing myself because i know that isnt an option other parts wont let me do it no matter how crappy i feel or how long it lasts so i just have to accept that i have another forty or fifty or sixty years of this to come. fuck. i hate this.