best case scenario if i stay alive is maybe i will be in a *little* less pain in a few months, and maybe i will be in a lot less pain in a few years. if im lucky. and i might wind up being in this much pain over and over again the whole time im alive. there are no guarantees that i will feel better for a significant amount of time. and the only way to get to a point of being in less pain is to go through a lot more pain.

if i die, theres a good chance i will stop being in pain right away. sure maybe it wont work that way but odds are better that i could stop being in pain and it wouldnt come back.

if im dead i dont have to ride the subway any more.
if im dead i dont have to be in crowds.
if im dead i dont have to cope with moving.
if im dead i dont have to cope with anything any more.
i wouldnt have to deal with my family or relationships.
i wouldnt have to deal with money.
i wouldnt have to deal with packing.
i wouldnt have to deal with finding an apartment or living somewhere i dont like.
if im dead no one will expect me to cope with anything. while im alive people will keep on expecting me to deal with things i cant cope with.

i really wish i were dead because thats the only one where the odds are good that i could stop hurting really soon and stop having to cope with things i cant cope with.

plus if i die before w finds a new apartment she can get one that is cheaper and not have to worry about what i want, she can just find something that meets her needs. i think that would be a lot better because then she wouldnt get stuck paying too much in rent or living in a neighborhood that isnt as convenient for her just because i need it. and she wont move based on only her own needs as long as im still alive. if i werent around she could even just look for roommates instead of a whole apartment and that might be easier.

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theres no point to even trying. things just get worse and worse and i dont feel any better. if theres no hope of feeling better any time soon then i really cant figure out how to keep trying. and there really isnt. gradual isnt soon enough. i hurt too much to even contemplate trying to commit to sticking around until the end of the month but im supposed to feel better at the thought that maybe if im lucky and i get to be pretty much the only one who goes to therapy for a while even though there are other parts who are also having trouble... even if i do get to be the main one in therapy then maybe in a few months ill feel a tiny bit better and in a few years ill make it to low average in terms of how i feel? i cant do this. i really cant.

and there isnt even anyone i can call for help or support because i need to respect that w isnt equipped to deal with this and my therapist isnt available again until thursday and she already spent time on the phone with me in addition to our regular session. and that would be the sum total of people i could call for help so im on my own with this and i really cant cope. i just cant. i really cant. i cant handle the thought of one more hour of feeling like this and theres nothing i can do.

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any time i start to even think about having hope that things will get better, i get some bad news that shows me that even thinking that things might get better only sets me up to feel even worse. my therapist said that feeling better would be "gradual" and that it would be a long time before i would feel better. i cant wait that long. i dont think i can cope with even a few more days and shes talking months or years before i feel better. i cant do that.

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everything sucks

and it looks like not only will i have to move out of my apartment but we'll have to pay more money for a place that totally sucks *and* i will get stuck with a much harder and longer commute to and from therapy. great. it takes me half an hour or longer to get myself on each train because of anxiety. now i'm going to have to be doing this at least twice in order to get to therapy and twice to get home. plus it will be a rotten transfer. great. just great. or i suppose i could drive, except if we move to the bronx that means paying $4.50 each way for the bridge tolls. oh yeah. and also it means that i would be driving at a time when i know i'm switching all over the place.

so great. we're gonna have half the space for several hundred bucks more a month, and my days are going to suck that much more. i will have that much more anxiety and that much more frustration. and since it's a rare thing for any elevators or escalators to consistently work with the stupid mta, i'm also going to be wasting a ton of energy climbing up and down stairs in the subways.

i hate this. i don't know why i'm even bothering to stick around for the move. if i were gone before then, at least w could get a one bedroom or studio apartment and she could save a ton of money and probably stay in a neighborhood she likes better. but no, she says i have to stay til after the move, which is just her way of manipulating me into not going anywhere at all and its not like it matters because she is acting like if i just wait a little bit thigns will be better except that i have waited for fourteen years of really wanting to kill myself and four or five years before that of thinking things would be better when i got to college and its not like i havent been trying or going to therapy or stuff. i have spent at least two different years trying all kinds of meds none of which helped and most of which added on weird anxiety things or lightheadedness or something like that on top of the depression. so yeah im gonna try meds which have yet to work for me. or im gonna sit around hoping that maybe tomorrow i will feel better but i never feel better all that happens is a different part comes out.

i dont see why i have to wait until after the move when it makes way more sense to just go away before the move. its not like the move is what made me suicidal. its that it was the last straw. i was already at the end of my rope and then half a dozen things got added on but im supposed to just keep coping and im supposed to be the one who thinks of how to get better.

well you know what? i dont want to get better. if someone wants me to get better then they can figure it out. i am done with trying. i quit. i just quit. i can not do this any more.

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not fair

its not fair. i am really depressed i think i am always depressed i dont have any memory of not being really depressed and sad anyway. and there are parts who are trying to get out and i WANT them to get out so they can take over. but even if they get out for a little even if they arent doing something that might be overwhelming still i keep winding up back out. i dont WANT to be out. i am depressed and just want to be dead and there isnt really anything anyone can do to help that and i dont know how to get better. maybe in therapy on tuesday but i really dont need to be out til then but instead i keep winding up being out without wanting to.

if the other parts want to be out and they arent doing anything that upsets me and they want to be here and i dont i just dont understand why i am stuck being out which doesnt make anyone happy with how things are.

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argh

therapist called and left a message saying she won't be in tomorrow. this is upsetting a number of parts.

and i'm upset for what is kind of a silly reason. why am i upset? not because she won't be there, but because collective-i have gotten to a point where it MATTERS that she won't be there. we used to be better at this stuff, didn't get upset. it didn't matter whether our therapist was at a session. so long as they were reasonable about notice, we didn't really care. that was better. then we didn't depend on the t. it was just a casual relationship, could take it or leave it.

but now it's upsetting if we don't have the appointment. how is that a good thing? it would be better if we didn't miss her when she's gone. it would be better to not rely on people, because then it wouldn't be upsetting if they aren't available.

like, with my family... well, ok, i guess that is upsetting. but i didn't used to feel that. not like with my emotions or anything. i mean i would get a little upset, but mostly i could tell myself it didn't matter, that i would just take whatever i got, anything i got was a bonus, don't expect anything. mostly, i'm still like that.

but now, with both w and therapist, i get upset if they aren't available when i need them, or when i'm used to seeing them. and this doesn't seem like a good thing for anyone. i have to deal with the stress, and spend all of this energy calming myself down, and then they have to deal with me being upset. it would be easier for everyone if i didn't care and i didn't count on them. i can't see how this is healing, if what it means is i get upset when people aren't there.

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exhausted

or, as the little kids say "i am EZOSTED!"

partly, it's fibro (and boy, do i resent having my fibro still flaring up in the fall! usually, i get a couple of months of better physical stamina! i WANT that. i NEED that!)

but more of it is that this was an exhausting weekend for me. yesterday was thoroughly aggravating until about 5:20. we were having a meeting of dinner collective--our first since we started a group on meetup.com, so i was anxious to get to the meeting place on time. but the chickens i was roasting turned out to still be frozen, which set me back by about an hour and a half (ever tried to rapid-thaw chickens, and then pry out the giblet packages from half-frozen chickens? not an easy task!)

and at the same time, our internet wasn't working (which turned out to be a router problem, and i need to figure out how to deal with that, since it's still happening sporadically.) so i was trying to fix that, thaw the chickens, get dinner made, keep the kitchen from becoming a *total* disaster, and not getting any down time.

dinner collective went well, although only one new person showed up. but we now have several meals in the fridge for next week, and that is a really good thing.

today was more emotionally exhausting. trying to deal with idiocy on our landlord's part, and doing some tiring processing with w (good, useful, not tense, but tiring never the less.)

last week was also very social, which can be difficult for me, so it's just been a while since i had down time, and there isn't a whole ton of down time coming up, either.

but that wasn't really why i started this post, now that i think of it. what i was *going* to write about is how i sometimes feel like i'm making things up.

case in point: tonight, the ones doing the majority of the processing with w were adults. those who have been reading for a while might be aware that the adult parts haven't been around a lot for the past year and more (not since the end of summer, 2007). they've been coming around more often for the past few months, but still not that often. one thing i, ellis, have noticed is that a lot of times in the past when w. and i both assumed it was adults, it was actually me. i have always operated as a kind of quasi-adult, so that makes sense. at least to me.

but the adults also tend not to announce their presence a lot of the time, at least, not if they aren't doing something specifically "adult." and i get that it can be uncomfortable to say "oh, right, this is who i am" to someone who has known you for a long time, and who you're used to just being "you" with. and the bulk of the time the adults were around, they were kind of the default, you know? i/we were with w for 4 1/2 years before DID was something we'd considered. and then the adults were only around routinely for about the first year post-diagnosis, and then it's been more than a year of us younger ones being the ones who are mostly out.

right. so the point. i went to check in with w before bed, and mentioned that it had been adults. i KNOW it was adults for the bulk of that discussion. it had happened a couple of minutes previously, and i'd gone into my room, and out for a cigarette, and then came back. and it seemed like a good idea to say, "hey, this is one of those times you got adult time." but it felt like i was making things up. not because of w's response, but because i had to say something. it's hard, because neither w nor i is always good, even now, at checking to see who is out. and it's hard, because there's a level where it feels like "if she can't see it herself, then i must just be pretending when i say what's happening."

not sure where i was going with this, but there it is. just some thoughts.

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we got this award from Battle Weary. i think it's our first award!

i don't know who else already has this award, or whether they read this site anyways, but i'll pass it on to Michelle, Tempy, and HeidiVillage.

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