i would've added the follow up to that, except i'm not as depressed as marvin the paranoid android.
one thing that's slightly annoying is that i've had something i wanted to discuss with my therapist for the last couple of sessions, but when i (as in, the body i live in and share with a bunch of others) go into therapy, things are so switchy that the last several sessions, i haven't really gotten to have much of a chance to talk with my therapist about the things on *my* mind.
i suppose i could write her a note, but i guess i'm still at a point of feeling like i need to not be asking too much, and so writing a note still feels like asking too much of her time. i mean, the woman already gives me not only three sessions' worth of time every week, but we pretty consistently go over the time we're supposed to spend together, so there's the extra five or ten or fifteen minutes at the end of the sessions.
the main thing i'm worried about is this: i don't seem to be making much progress. i'm not sure what progress would look like, or what mileposts i'm aiming for (or inchposts, as the case may be). but it really feels like i'm not much further along than i was a year ago, or two years ago. well, ok, so the parts who were really suicidal seem to be better able to tolerate distress, and haven't gone into being actively suicidal for, oh, about two months now. being optimistic, i could say this is because they're feeling more able to work through their stuff. being less optimistic, i'd say it's only been two months since the last bad time, and nothing really upsetting has happened in our external world in the intervening time.
but back to optimism, i haven't even really noticed the kind of reflexive suicidal thoughts, like when something is difficult in life, and no one inside can think of a way to solve the problem, there always used to be the thought popping up of "there's one way to stop having to cope." and i don't think that's been there as much. i know grace has been feeling a little adrift, trying to figure out how the heck to cope, if that isn't the option.
but really.... two years of working on this stuff, putting my entire focus on it, and the best i've gotten is a reduction in suicidal ideation?
and it seems so selfish to have traded the reduction in suicidal ideation for my day-to-day coping skills. i can't manage a job. i can barely manage keeping the house even a little bit together. well, i did clean up two or three hairballs today. but i'm not being a very good housewife. i'm not working on my dissertation. i'm not working at a job. on a good day, i can manage to go to the grocery store without having a full-blown panic attack.
it feels lazy. it feels like i'm not working hard enough. it feels like there is something i should be doing, and i'm not doing it.
but since i know i'm working hard, and w and my therapist *say* i'm working hard... then there's something that isn't working. because this much effort, and all i get is a reduction in my inclination (or other parts' inclination) to start making plans about how to be dead?
sorry, that doesn't quite seem like a balanced trade-off. especially since i'm not convinced those feelings won't return if i force myself to cope with more than i'm coping with. especially since the last time i tried that, two months ago, it triggered a bout of serious suicidal feelings.
it's not that i want to risk doing something that will wind up with me being hurt or hospitalized. i just want to feel like i'm making some concrete progress.
and i'd like to get the chance to talk with my therapist about what our treatment goals are, and what i can be doing in order to reach those. but then there's the voice in my head that says i'm just looking for someone to rescue me, or to do things i ought to be able to figure out on my own. it's not that i want my therapist to solve my problems, or anyone else. not exactly. i just feel like i keep doing things that aren't working, or aren't moving me to a place where i am coping more effectively, and i don't KNOW what to do differently, and i really want someone to help with that. i don't think that's the same as wanting someone to rescue me. but i'm not quite sure.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
life
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7 comments:
I totally understand about wanting the "getting better" to move along! I've had this issue myself (often) and I've talked about it with our T. What happens with us is it seems like nothing is getting better then al of the sudden a lot of things are better. Then it's back to nothing is changing...the nothing is changing bit lasts for months and months. My T disagrees, but that is how I see it...she says she sees steady progress. The thing that I have to remember, and that might help you, is that going/pushing to fast and/or to hard can cause overwhelm, set-backs and shut-down...and then there is definitely no progress. I don't know if that helps any, but I do understand.
Warrier
since i'm not a therapist i can give advice! ha. i think you should ask your therapist about your goals and express what you just expressed here. i have been with therapists who didn't seem to have a particular direction, and I've been with those who do. i understand that some are comfortable with no goals, while others won't work with you unless there is a goal. anyway - you should definitely talk to your therapist about this in my opinion. it's important. and it sounds like you need to talk about it.
warrier--intellectually, i can understand that taking things more slowly means improving more quickly, and that things will seem more chaotic and then i'll see some improvement. heck, my therapist has said she's seen progress. i just don't see it! and it's hard to be patient.
michelle--i keep *planning* on talking with my therapist about this, and then someone else comes when it's time for the session, and other things get talked about. and i guess existential angst is maybe less urgent, so it just keeps getting pushed back. *sigh*
"i guess i'm still at a point of feeling like i need to not be asking too much, and so writing a note still feels like asking too much of her time. i mean, the woman already gives me not only three sessions' worth of time every week, but we pretty consistently go over the time we're supposed to spend together, so there's the extra five or ten or fifteen minutes at the end of the sessions."
Sweetie- that's what she's PAID to do. Everybody gives extra in their job when it's necessary.
Maybe you can ask her to read this post?
You're allowed to tell your therapist what you want, even if you're stopping yourself from doing it.
I don't know if this will help but what I read here is some old negative messages creeping in. It's just not good enough to be the major one.
While I believe it's important to stay on track. I also believe you need to trust if your therapist tells you your system is making good progress. All the time you spend devoted to measuring yourself against destructive old messages you are actually contributing to the slowdown of progress.
So look closely at your questions and see if you can figure out where they really come from, concern for your system or old messages. It can make a huge difference for you and your system.
I think that Ms. Alexander is spot on (not surprising since she's a wickid smart woman)- having your therapist read this blog, or excerpts from the blog, might help her dissect the parts' approach to the relationship w/W., understand the goals you're striving towards in both group and couples' therapy, and start to therapeutically treat(if there can be such a thing) each self as a discrete being. The date night approach suggested by another blogger is interesting, but you can't control who is dominant (aka shuffling the kids off to a far place), can you?
Hugs, kisses, support... I'm still reading...
rising rainbow--i'm not sure it's the negative messages so much as my own desire to be doing more than i am. not doing all of the things i used to, but it's like, there are a lot of things i (or other parts for that matter) WANT to be doing, and those aren't happening either.
of course, there IS the ongoing message, not just the old stuff, but the current stuff from society in general, where it feels like i "ought to" be doing more. but my frustration is my inability to do the things i WANT to do. i'm not saying i want to have a job, for instance, but i DO want to take better care of the house and work on projects and have things cleared away enough that the little kids have room to play.
some of it is the old messages, but some of it is wanting a bit more change. it's complicated, because the things are tied together i guess.
BREE!!!! yay! you still exist! ;P
my therapist is pretty good at dealing with each of us as distinct individuals, so that helps.
one thing i find frustrating, and have gone through periods of finding frustrating since we started working together, is she is VERY into the idea of taking things really slowly. sometimes, it does seem as though that makes things improve more quickly than other ways, but sometimes, it's just FRUSTRATING. i'm no saying i want to be "better" after 12 weeks, or six months, or even a year of therapy. i'm just feeling a need for some kind of indicators of progress.
i did finally get a chance to talk with her today, and she did say she's seen progress, and we've talked about the way it's kind of like a spiral (well, she used the example of onions or a circle, but a spiral works better for me... something that *seems* to be the same, but which is actually at a higher level).
but i also got to explain that sometimes, it's like i can tell there is something different i could do, but i can't figure out what that different thing *is* so i keep not being able to do it, and feeling frustrated with that.
i don't know. she talked a lot about how it's very individual, and there aren't any specific benchmarks and stuff like that. and i know there isn't anything "out there" that gives a better guide than the things i'm already doing... but i really do think that whether or not all the specific exercises would work for my system, there has GOT to be some way of doing things like improving communication in the system, and it seems like that *is* something that could be taught.
but then, i'm a huge believer that there are a lot of things that either someone can flounder around trying to figure them out by trial and error, or someone who understands the process can explain some tools. and if i could just figure out some of those tools, then i could get a little traction and move forward. not be better instantly, but at least make some progress.
and yes, i understand i *am* making progress. but i think there are some areas where i've been stuck for a while now, and can't figure out what works when things do work, so i can't do it again the next time. or something like that.
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