long time, no post

it's been a while since i posted. i guess the thing is, there are parts who really don't want any journaling to happen. of any kind. some of that is because they are afraid someone will find out, and that then i'll get hurt (they will get hurt? we will get hurt?) they are afraid someone will find out i thought i was multiple and then i will get punished. it's hard to believe that that won't happen. i don't know who is writing this because i feel like i am just supposed to believe there is only one person inside of me but i kind of know that isn't true but at the same time i don't. i don't know if that makes any sense at all.

someone is fuming inside because they feel like i'm (they?) are just right back where they were at the beginning of all of this, like, 2 years of therapy specifically for did, and there are still parts of me that don't believe there is more than one person here? and i'm not any closer to being cured or anything? i don't know.

but there has been a lot of resistance to writing. we are testing it out right now to see how it will go. it's scary.

i'm wondering, do people who didn't go through abuse, but then they think they did, do they get a choking feeling like someone is going to punish them for talking? one of the little kids is saying, no, it's not a choking feeling, it's when they put a pillow on your face cause that will make you feel like you can't breathe but then they take it off and you can breathe again but if you tell someone, then they can do that for a longer time and no one will believe you, because nothing will show.

if a family is not abusive, then they probably don't show you all the different ways they can hurt you that won't leave marks, right?

i feel really nervous about talking about how i was abused not even saying anything specific i guess just that i was abused, because it's like something really really bad will happen just from letting myself think that. but i am testing it out.


my therapist says that people who didn't get abused don't usually have flashbacks or images that come into their minds all the time she says i'm definitely not schizophrenic and i looked at the diagnosis stuff for that and i think she is right because i don't have the things that would explain voices that way the voices in my head are not like the ones with schizophrenia.

i guess the things i am going through say that something bad happened to me. w and my therapist and my friends don't think i could fake all the time like this, they think the only way i could be so consistent from part to part, even when i am not quite sure which part is there and stuff, like the only way i could fake exactly the same handwriting for every part, or the same voice, or the same favorite things, is if the parts are real.

but i feel like i will get in trouble if i say that there is more than one person in here, or stuff like that. i know people say i won't get in trouble but i remember people saying i could tell them things, and then they went back to my family and that was not a good scene. you just can't know for sure if you can trust people.

someone is saying it's different now but how do i know for sure? like, what if they are just saying that, and they are secretly with other people, and they will tell them i told, and then i will get hurt? or what if they just aren't careful, and then something slips on accident?

mostly i want to believe it is safe now but that is just kind of something i have wanted to believe for a long time, and usually it didn't work out and i don't know for sure how to know whether it really is safe or whether i am just tricking myself into THINKING it's safe.

like, i thought things would get better in college, and then everything kind of fell apart. but i guess that was just stuff inside my head, and not someone outside of me hurting me. i guess it's true that since i went to college, no one outside of me has really hurt me again. that's 16 years... i guess that's a pretty long time. i don't know. i'm not sure it's a good idea to decide i'm safe.

i guess that's all i will write now. maybe someone else will write later.