Thursday, December 20, 2007

Thinking

One of the main things I (Ellis) have been working on in therapy is accepting that there are times when I need to stop working, and be okay with not doing everything I feel ought to be done.

I know this is particularly one of my issues, because coping with too much to be done is why I came to be.

Nineteen years ago, I was fourteen years old. My foot was in a cast, because I had sprained it in gym. I was responsible for babysitting my younger siblings every day after school, while my mother took night classes. I was in charge of making sure they did their homework, got fed, took care of chores (or at least making sure the chores got done, which often enough meant that I was the one doing them), and got into bed on time. I was also responsible for keeping up with my own schoolwork, and doing well in school. (This last, at least, held a personal motivation, because I understood that if I did well in school for four more years, the reward was that I could have an all-expenses paid ticket *out* of my home.)

I was fourteen years old.

None of this was considered too difficult for me. If I couldn't manage to do all of that well, it was because I was lazy.

All my life, growing up, I was taught that I was lazy. In the face of all evidence, I believed I was lazy. Because, lots of times, I really wished I could be responsible for less. I wished I could just curl up somewhere and do absolutely nothing for a little bit.

I believed I was lazy because sometimes, the last thing I wanted to do was get dragged out of bed to hear about how I hadn't done enough that day.

I believed the problem was my laziness.

So, fast forward to my adult life. How can I possibly see anything I do now as difficult, if I was taught to believe that what I coped with at fourteen wasn't difficult?

I think part of my struggle with learning how to stop pushing myself is that it makes me feel like I'm being lazy, self-indulgent, selfish... it makes me feel like I'm weak. It also makes me feel disloyal to my mother, because she taught me that what I coped with at fourteen wasn't too hard for a fourteen year old to cope with.

And it also makes me scared. Because if I really am lazy, maybe if I don't push myself, I won't get anything done. And then I will be a failure, someone who waits for the world to solve all of my problems for me.

Intellectually, I know I do plenty. But emotionally, not so much. I'm working on this. Perhaps, a day hasn't been wasted if I don't spend eighteen hours pushing myself to get things done. Perhaps, it's enough to do just what I can, and to stop when I start to feel panicky. At least, I can consider this possibility.

5 comments:

Patches said...

Wow I could have written much of that myself. I can so very much relate to your words. It's such a struggle to not do too much, to not push myself. I believe it is something I can continue to work on and I hope you are able to continue working on it.

We are stronger than the messages.

Sierra

Medicoglia, RN said...

I can so relate to this! Calling myself lazy is a really big issue for me. Add to that, that not only do I feel a need to be constantly "doing something productive", but it has to be prefect as well. I don't know how to change that...let me know if you find a way.

Sera

Jigsaw Analogy said...

See, I always perceive any failure to be perfect as evidence of my laziness. I mean, if I weren't lazy, then not only would I do ten times what I'm doing now, I would go back and re-do things that weren't done perfectly.

I'm really working on being ok with imperfection. It's hard, largely because I feel like if I just push myself hard enough, I know I can do *everything* perfectly, and so I feel guilty for not going back and doing things over if they aren't perfect.

But I've also worked on embracing my laziness, at least to the extent where I will accept that sometimes, "good enough" is more than enough.

Rising Rainbow said...

Wow, the history is just like me and even with all that therapy I still tend to push myself harder than others ever would. And feel quilty sometimes for taking a day off. But I do know how to take a day off. Just don't ask me how often. lol

Jigsaw Analogy said...

Somehow, it's nice to know that other people feel the same way I do. Not so much that it's nice that other people feel this way, because I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But that it's nice to know I'm not totally weird.

Will post more later, but the kids are nagging me to check where Santa is again, and then to make more presents because they don't think W. has enough (um, because she got most of her presents for Chanukah).