Christmas

One advantage of external kids would be that, most likely, they would be willing to go amuse themselves with their stocking, and then I could keep sleeping while they did that.

Instead, the internal kids woke me up at seven this morning, bouncing with excitement because they were SURE they heard Santa last night, and wanted to go see what was in the stocking. There is nothing that so confirms I have other people in my head than the way that I kept trying to shut my eyes to get some more sleep, and the littles kept opening them and bouncing to get out of bed.

I hope W. appreciates the fact that I have done everything I can to keep them occupied and distracted this morning, so that at least one of us will get the chance to sleep until a more reasonable hour.

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Santa Claus!!

You can find where santa claus is!


Santa claus is going around the world only it is magic or somthing caues we cannot really see him and mostly what santa does is helps people to remember to be nice to someone.

like i was a santa caues we gave presents for the kids who do not have money. we gave a big huge kite and also a book about space and also the super fort. the super fort is a very good present caues it is a fort you can bild any different way. we gave those things to the poor children and then they get them and they will smile when they open their presents caues they are not garbidge presents they are good presents and probly their mommy or daddy will smile to caues they will be happy if they can give a nice present.

that is why i was a santa claus. also i will be a santa claus and fill up w's stocking with good presents. maby we will make a lot more presents for her to. for hanuka, you give presents to but it is just people giving presents and not someone magic except in one or two stories there is something magic and also when the oil lasted for 8 nights insted of one, that was magic or a miracle. a miracle is when god does magic.

santa came to our house already i think but maby he will come again and eat some cookies and fill up our stockings that will be nice. santa is a person who lives at the magic north pole. that is the one you cannot get to unless you are an elf or santa or something. maby tonight we can watch a movie about santa. i would like that very much.

also they have movies about santa. the movies show where he is right now. michelle and mandy and kara and me and everyone are very much excited about christmas. ellis is probly tired or something but she is helping us to make a good present and then we will make another present to but i will not say what they are caues they are suprises.

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Thinking

One of the main things I (Ellis) have been working on in therapy is accepting that there are times when I need to stop working, and be okay with not doing everything I feel ought to be done.

I know this is particularly one of my issues, because coping with too much to be done is why I came to be.

Nineteen years ago, I was fourteen years old. My foot was in a cast, because I had sprained it in gym. I was responsible for babysitting my younger siblings every day after school, while my mother took night classes. I was in charge of making sure they did their homework, got fed, took care of chores (or at least making sure the chores got done, which often enough meant that I was the one doing them), and got into bed on time. I was also responsible for keeping up with my own schoolwork, and doing well in school. (This last, at least, held a personal motivation, because I understood that if I did well in school for four more years, the reward was that I could have an all-expenses paid ticket *out* of my home.)

I was fourteen years old.

None of this was considered too difficult for me. If I couldn't manage to do all of that well, it was because I was lazy.

All my life, growing up, I was taught that I was lazy. In the face of all evidence, I believed I was lazy. Because, lots of times, I really wished I could be responsible for less. I wished I could just curl up somewhere and do absolutely nothing for a little bit.

I believed I was lazy because sometimes, the last thing I wanted to do was get dragged out of bed to hear about how I hadn't done enough that day.

I believed the problem was my laziness.

So, fast forward to my adult life. How can I possibly see anything I do now as difficult, if I was taught to believe that what I coped with at fourteen wasn't difficult?

I think part of my struggle with learning how to stop pushing myself is that it makes me feel like I'm being lazy, self-indulgent, selfish... it makes me feel like I'm weak. It also makes me feel disloyal to my mother, because she taught me that what I coped with at fourteen wasn't too hard for a fourteen year old to cope with.

And it also makes me scared. Because if I really am lazy, maybe if I don't push myself, I won't get anything done. And then I will be a failure, someone who waits for the world to solve all of my problems for me.

Intellectually, I know I do plenty. But emotionally, not so much. I'm working on this. Perhaps, a day hasn't been wasted if I don't spend eighteen hours pushing myself to get things done. Perhaps, it's enough to do just what I can, and to stop when I start to feel panicky. At least, I can consider this possibility.

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DID/MPD/Dissociative Awareness

The conclusion!

So, the voting has ended, and here are the winning designs. I'm pretty proud, since the image on the left is the one I designed.

And, since it's the one I designed, and I had a nice, clean, large version of it on my hard drive, I went ahead and made a Café Press store with a couple of items. I'll probably add more products soon, as I get the chance to spend the time doing it. I can only hope that the process will get easier the more I do it.

So that's the good thing for today.

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Tomorrow is the last day to vote!

Help choose a ribbon and/or icon for DID/MPD/Dissociative Awareness!

Vote at this page.

Admittedly, my preferred ribbon is the current frontrunner, but I wanted to make sure everyone who wanted to help decide got a chance to vote. So if you read this blog, and you haven't already heard about this poll, and you want to vote, please do so by December 12 (which is Wednesday, or tomorrow).

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i ought to know better

i can't think why i did this. i found one of the lists of "incest aftereffects" and printed it out. then i marked down which ones i or my sisters have. not sure about all of them, because we don't talk about this stuff too much, but of the things i know, between us, we've got all but one of the 35 aftereffects listed.

probably means there was some incest going on.

hard to believe that. i mean, i know i have tons of symptoms. i know i have flashbacks that most likely point to having survived incest. i know there are things that trigger me that, again, most likely point to incest.

but i still can't really grasp that it happened. it's so hard to accept that something like that could happen, and no one would talk about it, and i wouldn't remember. i mean, i may not remember many specific incidents of abuse, but i was always aware that it was going on.

maybe it's that incest is more secretive. more hidden. happened to us separately, and not in front of each other. (well, not the physical side. the emotional incest was right out there in the open. or maybe lots of kids go on dates with their parents....)

i guess a lot of it is protective. it is easier for me to get through a lot of life by not remembering. but then, why do i keep on getting confronted with evidence?

i would say, "something would have shown when we were growing up." but then i look back, and realize the danger signs were loud and clear for anyone who might have been looking for them. but it's still hard to accept.

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