There's a lot to blog about, and perhaps we'll get to it, or perhaps we won't. I don't know. Lots of parts, the littles especially, were worried about blogging while on the road, so we didn't do much of it.
But now we're back, so maybe we'll get some writing done.
One thing that came about from this trip is that the visit with family was actually a good thing. For some people, this would mean, "not triggering" or something like that. And, honestly, nothing was so out of my experience and preparation that I couldn't cope with it.
But, really, what was helpful was this: my family was just like they were when I was growing up. And with many different parts observing, what became most clear is that they were both abusive and loving in this weird mixture where you can't really separate the good and the bad. So, in the end, we came to an agreement in our system here. We each should decide for ourselves how to interact with family. Those who don't want to don't have to, but those who want to can keep up a relationship.
Because it's really absolutely mixed together, and it's also really clear that the kinds of things I automatically do to protect myself around them keep me insulated from the worst of things.... So I'm not especially in emotional danger, and certainly not in physical danger. Thus, whatever relationship a part wants to have, that will work for that part, but there's no all or nothing solution.
I don't know if I'm making sense. I've been thinking about this for a while. Mostly, it's that those who doubted the abuse could tell that it had really happened (my siblings talking about it, my mother denying and minimizing things that, even at the level she admitted to, were just plain messed up; lack of body boundaries and weird interactions between people). And those who doubted the love could tell that was also there (harder to quantify, but it was there).
So mostly what I got out of that part of the visit was confirmation that the decisions I/we have made about coping with the family were the right ones. And we don't need to push for confrontation, because those responsible for stuff will deny it up and down--watched a couple of siblings going down that path.
I guess that's about it for right now.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Back again
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2 comments:
It is good to know you can come to the decision that all or nothing does not have to work itself into this equation. I also like that you saw both good and bad but recognized the love in your family hardly measures compared to the abuse. I think you did a good job of not minimizing your experiences and a good job of letting each person inside decide what they want and need. Perhaps there could be some ground rules for interactions with family. These would cover all alters associating with family...for their protection as well as the protection of others inside the system. This might also help ease resentment for alters that don't want contact with family. It gives them validation as well as gives boundaries for those who do. boundaries aren't restrictions. They're a specified area that allows a person to move about freely within that specified area.
Austin
Thanks for your comment, Austin.
I don't think that it's a matter of "the love in my family hardly measures compared to the abuse." That was one of the big insights of the trip for me: those things both existed, and neither takes away from the other. And the love is enough to encourage me to maintain contact (but there's enough that's dysfunctional about my family that I make sure to keep some precautions in place when visiting).
The parts who were upset about visiting family were actually the most pleased about the visit: the fact that I had confirmation that the abuse really did happen, really clear, concrete confirmation, meant that they felt like parts who sometimes doubt it would now believe.
The good thing was, the automatic protections I have had for the past fifteen or twenty years when dealing with my family were still there, so I didn't actually experience abuse. It was just being able to hear people talking about stuff that happened, and also observing the power dynamics. So kind of like being able to confirm my perceptions without being endangered.
And the surprising thing for the ones who were reluctant to visit was that, since they were somewhat less concerned with trying to prove things did used to be bad, was they could see that my family genuinely loves and cares for me (along with everyone else), and that it wasn't just a pose or a way of being manipulative.
So I guess my conclusion is that things are way more confused and complicated, but in (for me) a good way.
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