A very good book!

Here is a link to a very good book called The Monster At The End of The Book. If you have not read it before then definitely you should. It is very funny and I like it a lot. I bet you will like it too. In the story, Grover from Sesame Street is afraid about the monster at the end of the book and he does not want you to turn the page, but I bet you WILL turn the page if you are curious about books!

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toni collette won an emmy for tara

it's pretty cool. (i only know about this so soon because w found out somehow, and she came in to tell me. i didn't even know when the emmys were!)

i kind of hope this leads to more awareness about DID/MPD. the show handles it pretty well, i think. it's intelligent and humorous without making fun of the disorder, in my opinion. so i'm glad i'm not the only one who thinks so.

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i dont know

so i was going to therapy a lot for a while because the other parts thought i needed it most or something. well, me and a couple of other parts. and one of the things that has happened i think probably because of therapy is i dont get suicidal any more. at least i havent for a while.

most people would think this is good. i guess it probably is. but its not like the feelings that were overwhelming went away. so now what happens is i feel horrible but i dont feel like theres a way to just make those feelings go away. i guess what i learned is i can live through them and that they will eventually end or something. but when im feeling those feelings it seems like they are just too much. but i dont get an escape hatch.

maybe there is something that will happen with more therapy where i will get to a point where those feelings arent so horrible any more or something. and i guess there are one or two things in my life (i mean MY life not just the life of the body where i live) that i kind of like. so its not 100% horrible and that is better than it used to be where i thought that other parts were just me pretending to be ok or have fun or filling time. now i can tell that sometimes things actually are a little bit fun or not too bad or something.

but its really hard when the things that used to be who i was are disappearing. im not as mean to w because i guess i care a little bit about how she feels but that only goes so far. i mean i can care a little but then i cant keep being all nice and stuff so i just kind of go through enough motions that i can go out of the room and not have to have anything to do with it if im in a bad mood.

it used to be i would get in a fight or do something to cause problems and that was really a lot easier and it wasnt so uncomfortable for me as when i care a tiny bit but not enough to help.

and i dont get the options of hurting myself except for things like smoking. i mean i am even eating my meals and taking stupid vitamins. but i kind of cant cope with everything turning all perfect and smooth. i dont like it. i guess i feel a little guilty about that. and i can hear the voices in me saying "what are you saying everything is perfect and smooth you are still lazy and not doing anything worthwhile and never ever doing as much as you are supposed to be doing" and stuff like that. like not doing housework or having a job or sleeping in a bed with w. i feel like those are signs im bad.

maybe i am worried about other stuff going smooth because once that stuff is more ok then i will be expected to do everything like i used to like sleep in a bed with her or take care of the house and have a job and just everything.

but at the same time i feel bad that i cant handle doing that. i am supposed to want that and instead what i want is to kind of not do the things like that that make me panicky and overwhelmed. ESPECIALLY if there isnt an escape hatch like being dead. because it feels like that stuff is this big rock pile balanced above me and if i move anything even the littlest bit wrong then it will all come crashing down on me and i will be crushed. and being crushed when there isnt an escape hatch is a scary idea.

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