i dont see the point

w has asked for lists of things she can do when i am depressed or upset. i have given them to her. i even set up a website that she can look at from her phone or her computer that has a list of things she can do instead of saying she doesnt know what to do. she doesnt look at it.

and i suck so much there is no one else i can call. i guess i have a couple of friends but they are busy with their own stuff and not available. my therapist was away this week and will be away next week so thats no good.

i did my best to hold together this week and it worked until things tipped over today because there was just too much stress and now i am stuck with this place of feeling like crap and i cant get myself out and there is no one i can think to call for help i have already done all of the things i know to do to feel better and they are not helping i cant go to sleep because the fucking people upstairs have their music blasting so i am just stuck feeling like crap and having absolutely no exit. im too panicky to go out and be around strangers plus there is nowhere to go in this fucking neighborhood even if i did want to go out. sure i could go hang out at the 24 hour convenience store but its not like that will help anything.

i feel like worthless crap. it sucks to feel so rotten and know there is no one i can call to talk to even if i were feeling better. and i know if i were feeling better that wouldnt be so bad i dont mind that my friends have things they are doing or are busy with. but the fact that i can feel this way and there is no one to call and i am just out of ideas of what else to do.

and i cant even think about killing myself because i know that isnt an option other parts wont let me do it no matter how crappy i feel or how long it lasts so i just have to accept that i have another forty or fifty or sixty years of this to come. fuck. i hate this.

Read More......

we're pretty excited about the sims 3. it's funny. we were really into the first version of the sims, but then with relationships and life and stuff, never got into the second version.

but the thing we're really looking forward to about the sims3 is that it seems like it will be possible to make sims who will behave like different parts of the system, and that will be really cool. we'll see how it goes once we actually have the game (we're really disappointed that they postponed the release until june, since originally it was february).

Read More......

been a while

i haven't posted in a while. partly it's because i've been having bad fibro, and i still don't have a good desk chair, so i get tired pretty fast when i sit at my desk. partly, it's because the parts who have been out lately haven't been as interested in writing, or if one part wants to write something, someone else has another idea of what to write about and then there's conflict, so nothing gets written.

or maybe it's that the parts who have mainly been out aren't ones who have been on the blog much so they don't feel as comfortable writing? not sure.

i miss the things i used to do, and by that i mean things i was doing just a few months ago.

in terms of an update, we wound up thinking about the reasons s. had for not taking our insurance any more, and they made sense. and also, we figured that if she's willing to see us for a copay that is less than half what she was getting from the insurance company, odds are she isn't actually trying to get rid of us. so on the up side, we'll still be seeing her for therapy. on the down side, that's $200 a month we have to spend now that we didn't have to spend before. but there is another positive: i applied for food stamps, and they are giving me... $200 a month. so it works out even, pretty much. so that's good.

one thing happening is that parts have been struggling with memories and being triggered. one thing we've realized is that the triggers from present stuff are especially powerful because we don't actually remember the stuff that made it triggering. not sure if that makes sense. i explained it to w like this: let's say i went to the circus, watched a bunch of clowns, and then got stepped on by an elephant. but i blocked out being stepped on by the elephant, and just remembered how painful it was. so now, every time i see clowns, i'm afraid of the pain of being stepped on by an elephant. so clowns are what's scary. but really, the problem was the elephant.

so i kind of think if i can get to the point where i remember the elephant, then the clowns won't be nearly as upsetting.

the problem is, it's hard to stop blocking out memories. it's one of those things i have done for so long, and it's such a habit to keep myself from remembering things. and i have a lot of fears about remembering things, too. and i used to get such positive responses from NOT remembering, and it's hard to let go of that. plus, there's the fear that i'm making it up.

i guess that's something to think about. intellectually, i don't really believe the false memory people are right. they just come across as people who are trying to keep things hidden, and who are trying to keep people from finding out about bad things.

but at the same time, i can think of a bunch of things that i used to think were just nightmares i had, and then someone in my family will describe something that happened, and it's like... oh. that wasn't a nightmare. that really *happened* pretty much exactly as it did in the recurring nightmare.

so it seems like i would then be more willing to believe the *other* "nightmares" i have that are like those are also true. but in a lot of ways, i don't want them to be true. but at the same time, maybe realizing they are true is the only way to reduce their power. on the OTHER hand, realizing the things i now know are true are true hasn't reduced their power. those things are still upsetting for me.

so that's part of what's going on, at least right now.

Read More......

what i dont understand

what i dont understand is why i cant mess up at all before people drop me. there are two people in the world that i tried to trust. w hasnt dropped me yet but im sure she will pretty soon unless i shape up and i am tired of trying to keep myself together so i think i wont bother. it will just make things easier, because she will drop me too and then i wont have anyone.

i know there are people who say they care and i guess they do as far as it goes but i know they are only around so long as i dont ask for anything or expect anything from them, just take what they are willing to offer without being asked. i know that if i start expecting things then people will get tired of me and figure out a way to stop having things expected.

it just sucks when its someone i tried kind of hard to trust and as soon as i slip up then shes not there anymore.

what sucks even more is how she is going to get to do this and tell herself and everyone else that it was my choice she bent over backwards by offering a cheaper fee so i could keep seeing her but i wasnt willing to pay it. a cheaper fee, sure, but even if i went to just one session a week instead of three it would still be more than 1/4 of my ssi. and if i wanted to see her 3 sessions a week like we have been then that would be almost all of my ssi money and since we're paying more rent now that would mean we would have to figure out how to pay money that really isnt available.

so what sucks is i cant even talk to her about how it feels like shes dumping me for being too difficult because she will just say that isnt true it is that same way that people all my life have said one thing but done another.

i wasnt even that difficult. i dont miss sessions or show up late. im not rude or stuff like that. it just goes to show that no matter what people *say* when they are trying to act like im a normal person what happens is one little slip up and not even that little and then people dont want to help anymore.

but im not supposed to say that i am supposed to go along with pretending that everything is normal and just pretend that people are there for me. well you know what they arent. w is still around but its only a matter of time. the only reasons she sticks with me are she hopes that the good parts will be back more and also that she is worried that she wouldnt get someone else to date her if she fixed her low self esteem she would see that lots of people would be happy to date her i guess i should be glad she isnt fixing her low self esteem but im not i would rather she could see it would be easy for her to get someone else to date her. and also she doesnt want to be someone who had a breakup of a long relationship and i guess she thinks that breaking up would mean she was a bad person or something. but i think that once she realizes no one would think she was bad for breaking up with me then she will dump me.

i guess i should have expected this. i didnt though. susan has always said she is committed to working with me so i took a chance. i guess i was testing that when i said i wanted to quit. i didnt really want to quit i wanted someone to stop me from hurting myself well no one is going to stop me from hurting the only thing they will do is if i say i am going to kill myself then they will lock me up in the psych ward. they wont help all i can do is figure out how to not care that i am hurting and that i am so worthless that as soon as i am a little bit of trouble people drop me.

i guess that isnt fair to w because i am some trouble for her but i think that as soon as the trouble outweighs whatever good she has gotten then shell dump me. i just wish it would happen soon i guess that if i can keep the other parts from coming out then it will just be a month or two before she gets fed up and then i will be free. there wont be anyone left who would be more than a little upset if i disappeared. i guess people will say they would be a lot upset but i dont think it would take that long i know how to just kind of drift away and then people wouldnt really even think about me after a while. i just need to accept that things arent going to get better and then it will be fine.

Read More......

therapy

i was thinking about quitting therapy for a lot of reasons mostly that i dont think its making much difference for me. theres no reason for me to feel depressed any more but i still do so that means its something wrong with me instead of something wrong with things in my life.

well the decision about whether to quit therapy got easier i think because my therapist isnt going to be taking my insurance anymore. they are flaky about actually paying the therapists and even though they do it eventually it takes a long time before they pay up and a lot of hassle. so my therapist is done with dealing with them. not just because of the issues with getting paid for my sessions but also the trouble with other clients of hers that have this insurance. i dont know how many of her other clients have the same insurance though.

she did say she would do a reduced fee for me but the cheapest she could possibly go would still be a couple hundred a month even if i was having fewer sessions. and if im going to pay a couple hundred a month for something why not pay for something that will actually make me feel better like drugs or something? i dont know if drugs would make me feel better but they might. i guess that isnt a good idea because its not legal. i dont know.

i cant help but think she did this right now because im not being all good and saying the right things anymore. like, i told her last weekend i was thinking about quitting but she had me come in on tuesday anyway and she convinced me to keep trying but then today she said she was going to stop taking my insurance. she says that doesnt mean she doesnt want to keep working with me but she knows we dont have much spare money.

so i guess i will be quitting therapy pretty soon when she has stopped taking my insurance. it was stupid of me to trust that she would still be there. as soon as i started being difficult she made it difficult for me to see her so that she could say she was still willing to work with me and it would be my fault that im not seeing her anymore. i dont care. i know that she did this because i was difficult and this is her way to tell herself its my fault and not hers. now i just have to wait for w to get fed up which will probably happen pretty soon.

Read More......

hard times

i should feel better than this. there is no reason to feel like i've been feeling. my life is good. i have a partner who cares about me, i'm not getting abused, i got approved for ssi, we have housing. w got her tax refund, so we've even got money for treats.

but i feel crummy. i am depressed. probably part of it is that if the stuff on the outside of my life is fine, and i'm still feeling crappy it feels like there's nothing i can do to feel better. if i can't be happy now, when things are going all right, then i'm never gonna feel happy. if i don't feel loved by w, if it just doesn't make me feel like someone will take care of me and keep me safe, and if i can't do that myself, then it's like these feelings aren't ever going to ease up.

i guess i should try to let other parts come out more, but i keep winding up being the one who is out. not enough that i can just get it over with and stuff, but enough that i'm mostly the one here. i dont know. i guess i should just try to do the things the other ones do and not let things slide i cant be bothered i just dont care but the other parts are out enough that w is sticking around. theyre out enough that i dont quit therapy even though i think that would be better. but theyre not out enough for them to be happy.

i dont even know if i want them out. i guess when they are out i dont feel as bad or something. at least there are times when i am not aware of whats going on around me or how i feel. there is a dotted line in how i live, where there are times that just dont happen for me. mostly if someone else is out and im not there at all then its like that time doesnt exist and i disappear or something. is that better? i guess its better than hurting so much i want to be dead. but then the next time im out then i still hurt this badly and i am getting tired of hurting and since i cant decide to just disappear and not exist any more then maybe its better if i can be out more and figure out how to stop hurting. but i dont know how except the one way and if i talk about that then there will be evidence if someone wants to put me in the psych ward. i dont really want to be dead i just want to stop hurting. and i dont have much hope for that. i feel like if i cant feel ok now then what reason do i have to think i would be ok in the future?

i know im not supposed to feel that way or talk about it or something. im supposed to say oh, poor me, i went through trauma when i was a kid of course i feel bad. but i have been through what, sixteen years of therapy now? something like that. hasnt really made much difference that i can see. almost three years of dealing with did, and i still feel crappy any time i show up. ok, sure, other parts dont. great for them. still sucks when im out. i still want anything that will stop the pain, and i figure its a two in three chance that being dead would be less painful than where i am now. i dont know the chances of feeling better while im still alive but im not feeling hopeful about it.

but right now im not going to do anything about it. i wish i could just will myself dead but that doesnt work. i guess if it did i would have done it when i was a baby.

i remember when i was in 8th grade, writing a paper for science class. one of the first times that was probably good evidence for me switching, because apparently this paper had been talked about every day for more than a month, but i found out about it the day before it was due. but thats not the point of what im writing about. i was reading something or other, in some book. it talked about how babies who arent taken care of, who dont get nurtured, will just fail to thrive. they will die, even if theyre getting fed. probably worse if they are getting hurt along with that, i bet. but i guess there was just enough nurturing, or something, to keep me alive. enough of whatever it was that i managed to learn how to switch and dissociate rather than just giving up and dying. i guess there was a part who managed to get some kind of nurturing. that wasnt me. i can feel a direct line back to that other baby, the one who learned when it was tiny to stop noticing how it felt because if you notice how youre feeling then you are going to cry and then you get hit. so you cant need to be hugged or have your diaper changed or get fed regularly. you have to just figure out how not to need any of that.

or maybe its the baby who was not ok with that who felt hurt and sad and angry and all the things youd feel if your needs werent getting met. i dont know. its not exactly like i am that baby, just that baby is like... an earlier version or something. i dont know. but its there. its there in that place where i am, where petra and terra usually are. maybe another one. and now im not completely sure who i am. why is that baby with us? why are we so tangled up together? i know that at least petra and terra want to be like the other parts, more ok, more relaxed, stuff like that. they dont want to keep being tangled up with me. i dont really want them tangled up with me. but that keeps happening.

i dont know what im writing about or even why im writing. theres a part of me thats getting really mad that im doing it and now i dont even know who i am.

Read More......

Snow day!

Today was a snow day we are so happy about that caues it is from we asked for there to be a lot of snow there was hardly any snow all winter long and almost we thot there wuld not be any snow at all this winter ecksept just a little bit but then there was all most a FOOT of snow. we did not think ther wuld be a snow day tho caues they all most never give a snow day here then ther WAS a snow day so w stayd hoem and we playd in the snow also we had hot chocklit and chocklit otemeal for brekfast it was yummy the hot chocklit was a snack after we playd in the snow not for brekfast.

We are happy about the snow not just caues we wanted it also from we ASKED for it and we got it ivy says ask and ye shall receve that is from probly the bible or maby somwher els i do not no for sure. it means if you ask then maby you will get soemthing lots of pepul asked for a snow day then they said it was a snow day but i am maby the onley one who asked for about one foot of snow and then i got ecksactly that.

I do not always get wat i ask for liek i askd for a puppy with curly ears i did not get one singel puppy but that is ok a puppy is a lot of WORK i fond out caues up stars has a puppy they do not taek good car of it they tie it up out sied it is very sad i do not want to do that it is to meen but if i was to buzy to taek car of it probly i wuld do that so i will just hav a maginary puppy or else one that is a toy. i will hav to find a frind a diffrent way from a puppy i think that is better.

Read More......

hating being crazy

today is one of those days where i am really HATING being crazy. really hating it.

instead of watching the inauguration, i had therapy. things kind of went downhill from there. i mean, just spending my day having therapy is bad enough in the usual run of things. other people have jobs, do useful things in the world, do things for other people, and so much of my time is taken up by coping with the fact that i am crazy.

and today, it was the inauguration of the first african-american president. this is amazing. i am thrilled. and yet... the tears i had today were not tears of joy, and it was the stupid, all-about-me feelings that i hate having, but don't have the force of will to keep from coming.

why was i crying?

i was reading an email, and someone was writing about how wonderful this is for little biracial children, how they can look to the white house, and see that anything is possible. and the tears came, because here i am... i had so much potential. when i was a kid, teachers would say that i could become the first black, and the first female president. they really believed i had that much potential.

as i got older, i realized i didn't want to go into politics, but i definitely still had that potential. i really believed that i could do anything i set out to do. and for 20 years, for maybe even 30 years, i was able to make that be true. hard work, intelligence, luck. whatever combination of things, it was working. i was demonstrating how much i could do, in spite of handicaps.

it was about overcoming. that's kind of how i made peace with the things i couldn't control: i focused on overcoming them. sure, we were poor when i was growing up, but that was something that didn't have to be permanent, that didn't have to say anything about who i was as a person. same with me being biracial, or female, or anything else.

i guess i thought that by getting past it, by achieving what i wanted in spite of the things that made it hard, that kind of erased the negatives.

and then... it feels like it all got thrown off by me going crazy. everything else, i managed to handle. i even dodged the bullet several times with going crazy. i can think of times where it came so close, and i managed to get past it, and keep going on.

so this last time... damn, it sucks. it's like i lost all of the things i was trying to do, which means, deep down, that it feels like i lost my chance not to be the person that the bad stuff happened to. because that's what the accomplishment was about. it was about proving to the world, or maybe more, proving to myself that just because i was black, or poor... just because i was abused during my childhood, it didn't mean i couldn't have a good life as an adult.

it's not about being black, or poor, really. certainly, those are things i can talk about with people, so i can tell they aren't the things i have trouble with. but i guess that i believed that if i just did enough, achieved enough, overcame enough, i could erase the abuse. make it like it didn't matter, didn't count, didn't really happen.

and then being crazy came along, and proved I really couldn't just ignore it. I couldn't really just act like it hadn't happen or didn't matter. And I'm furious about that.

But maybe mostly, I'm furious with myself over that. It was my job to make it as though it had never happened. It feels like that was the only way my life could work, the life I wanted to have. If I could act like it didn't matter that I was abused, that it was all in the past.

It's not even, not exactly, that I wanted to pretend it hadn't happened. I just wanted to have a life where it didn't matter that it had happened to me. Where I could deal with it, once a week, in a tidy therapy session. Where I could be a good advocate for children, make sure I did everything I could so it wouldn't happen to other children, and leave it at that.

I didn't want to walk around covered with scars. I didn't want to have to have it be this crippling thing that's making it hard for me to even make it through the day, with shockingly little expected of me.

I certainly didn't want it to take away from sharing joy with so many other people in this country, this historic moment that I feel is getting tainted by things that happened half a lifetime ago.

And that's part of what really makes me angry. That here I am, sixteen and a half years after leaving home, and I'm still reeling from the things that happened. It's not fair. I'm furious at my mind, for not being able to find a better way out, for interfering with my ability to cope. I'm furious with myself, for not being able to maintain the discipline that would have let me keep going on.

I want to be able to feel happy, and all I'm getting is sadness and anger. It sucks, and it isn't fair.

Read More......

still alive

i haven't been posting much, since we moved last month, then there were the holidays, and just a lot of chaos added onto the stuff already going on in my head.

i'm still alive, and while there are parts who aren't happy about that, at least they're managing to stick around for right now. there's been a lot of switching, probably triggered by the move, and a lot of internal chaos, either because of the move, or stuff that was already stirred up inside, or because of the external chaos of still not having all of the furniture we need for the apartment, and so too much of our stuff is in boxes.

i'll try to be a little better with updates, or at least to notice when someone really depressed has posted so i can be sure to have some kind of update after that.

and to anyone whose blog i generally comment on, but haven't: i'm still trying to get caught up, so i haven't been reading blogs much. and added to that is the fact that several of the parts who have been out a lot recently just don't seem to spend much time online.

Read More......

best case scenario if i stay alive is maybe i will be in a *little* less pain in a few months, and maybe i will be in a lot less pain in a few years. if im lucky. and i might wind up being in this much pain over and over again the whole time im alive. there are no guarantees that i will feel better for a significant amount of time. and the only way to get to a point of being in less pain is to go through a lot more pain.

if i die, theres a good chance i will stop being in pain right away. sure maybe it wont work that way but odds are better that i could stop being in pain and it wouldnt come back.

if im dead i dont have to ride the subway any more.
if im dead i dont have to be in crowds.
if im dead i dont have to cope with moving.
if im dead i dont have to cope with anything any more.
i wouldnt have to deal with my family or relationships.
i wouldnt have to deal with money.
i wouldnt have to deal with packing.
i wouldnt have to deal with finding an apartment or living somewhere i dont like.
if im dead no one will expect me to cope with anything. while im alive people will keep on expecting me to deal with things i cant cope with.

i really wish i were dead because thats the only one where the odds are good that i could stop hurting really soon and stop having to cope with things i cant cope with.

plus if i die before w finds a new apartment she can get one that is cheaper and not have to worry about what i want, she can just find something that meets her needs. i think that would be a lot better because then she wouldnt get stuck paying too much in rent or living in a neighborhood that isnt as convenient for her just because i need it. and she wont move based on only her own needs as long as im still alive. if i werent around she could even just look for roommates instead of a whole apartment and that might be easier.

Read More......

theres no point to even trying. things just get worse and worse and i dont feel any better. if theres no hope of feeling better any time soon then i really cant figure out how to keep trying. and there really isnt. gradual isnt soon enough. i hurt too much to even contemplate trying to commit to sticking around until the end of the month but im supposed to feel better at the thought that maybe if im lucky and i get to be pretty much the only one who goes to therapy for a while even though there are other parts who are also having trouble... even if i do get to be the main one in therapy then maybe in a few months ill feel a tiny bit better and in a few years ill make it to low average in terms of how i feel? i cant do this. i really cant.

and there isnt even anyone i can call for help or support because i need to respect that w isnt equipped to deal with this and my therapist isnt available again until thursday and she already spent time on the phone with me in addition to our regular session. and that would be the sum total of people i could call for help so im on my own with this and i really cant cope. i just cant. i really cant. i cant handle the thought of one more hour of feeling like this and theres nothing i can do.

Read More......

any time i start to even think about having hope that things will get better, i get some bad news that shows me that even thinking that things might get better only sets me up to feel even worse. my therapist said that feeling better would be "gradual" and that it would be a long time before i would feel better. i cant wait that long. i dont think i can cope with even a few more days and shes talking months or years before i feel better. i cant do that.

Read More......

everything sucks

and it looks like not only will i have to move out of my apartment but we'll have to pay more money for a place that totally sucks *and* i will get stuck with a much harder and longer commute to and from therapy. great. it takes me half an hour or longer to get myself on each train because of anxiety. now i'm going to have to be doing this at least twice in order to get to therapy and twice to get home. plus it will be a rotten transfer. great. just great. or i suppose i could drive, except if we move to the bronx that means paying $4.50 each way for the bridge tolls. oh yeah. and also it means that i would be driving at a time when i know i'm switching all over the place.

so great. we're gonna have half the space for several hundred bucks more a month, and my days are going to suck that much more. i will have that much more anxiety and that much more frustration. and since it's a rare thing for any elevators or escalators to consistently work with the stupid mta, i'm also going to be wasting a ton of energy climbing up and down stairs in the subways.

i hate this. i don't know why i'm even bothering to stick around for the move. if i were gone before then, at least w could get a one bedroom or studio apartment and she could save a ton of money and probably stay in a neighborhood she likes better. but no, she says i have to stay til after the move, which is just her way of manipulating me into not going anywhere at all and its not like it matters because she is acting like if i just wait a little bit thigns will be better except that i have waited for fourteen years of really wanting to kill myself and four or five years before that of thinking things would be better when i got to college and its not like i havent been trying or going to therapy or stuff. i have spent at least two different years trying all kinds of meds none of which helped and most of which added on weird anxiety things or lightheadedness or something like that on top of the depression. so yeah im gonna try meds which have yet to work for me. or im gonna sit around hoping that maybe tomorrow i will feel better but i never feel better all that happens is a different part comes out.

i dont see why i have to wait until after the move when it makes way more sense to just go away before the move. its not like the move is what made me suicidal. its that it was the last straw. i was already at the end of my rope and then half a dozen things got added on but im supposed to just keep coping and im supposed to be the one who thinks of how to get better.

well you know what? i dont want to get better. if someone wants me to get better then they can figure it out. i am done with trying. i quit. i just quit. i can not do this any more.

Read More......

not fair

its not fair. i am really depressed i think i am always depressed i dont have any memory of not being really depressed and sad anyway. and there are parts who are trying to get out and i WANT them to get out so they can take over. but even if they get out for a little even if they arent doing something that might be overwhelming still i keep winding up back out. i dont WANT to be out. i am depressed and just want to be dead and there isnt really anything anyone can do to help that and i dont know how to get better. maybe in therapy on tuesday but i really dont need to be out til then but instead i keep winding up being out without wanting to.

if the other parts want to be out and they arent doing anything that upsets me and they want to be here and i dont i just dont understand why i am stuck being out which doesnt make anyone happy with how things are.

Read More......

argh

therapist called and left a message saying she won't be in tomorrow. this is upsetting a number of parts.

and i'm upset for what is kind of a silly reason. why am i upset? not because she won't be there, but because collective-i have gotten to a point where it MATTERS that she won't be there. we used to be better at this stuff, didn't get upset. it didn't matter whether our therapist was at a session. so long as they were reasonable about notice, we didn't really care. that was better. then we didn't depend on the t. it was just a casual relationship, could take it or leave it.

but now it's upsetting if we don't have the appointment. how is that a good thing? it would be better if we didn't miss her when she's gone. it would be better to not rely on people, because then it wouldn't be upsetting if they aren't available.

like, with my family... well, ok, i guess that is upsetting. but i didn't used to feel that. not like with my emotions or anything. i mean i would get a little upset, but mostly i could tell myself it didn't matter, that i would just take whatever i got, anything i got was a bonus, don't expect anything. mostly, i'm still like that.

but now, with both w and therapist, i get upset if they aren't available when i need them, or when i'm used to seeing them. and this doesn't seem like a good thing for anyone. i have to deal with the stress, and spend all of this energy calming myself down, and then they have to deal with me being upset. it would be easier for everyone if i didn't care and i didn't count on them. i can't see how this is healing, if what it means is i get upset when people aren't there.

Read More......

exhausted

or, as the little kids say "i am EZOSTED!"

partly, it's fibro (and boy, do i resent having my fibro still flaring up in the fall! usually, i get a couple of months of better physical stamina! i WANT that. i NEED that!)

but more of it is that this was an exhausting weekend for me. yesterday was thoroughly aggravating until about 5:20. we were having a meeting of dinner collective--our first since we started a group on meetup.com, so i was anxious to get to the meeting place on time. but the chickens i was roasting turned out to still be frozen, which set me back by about an hour and a half (ever tried to rapid-thaw chickens, and then pry out the giblet packages from half-frozen chickens? not an easy task!)

and at the same time, our internet wasn't working (which turned out to be a router problem, and i need to figure out how to deal with that, since it's still happening sporadically.) so i was trying to fix that, thaw the chickens, get dinner made, keep the kitchen from becoming a *total* disaster, and not getting any down time.

dinner collective went well, although only one new person showed up. but we now have several meals in the fridge for next week, and that is a really good thing.

today was more emotionally exhausting. trying to deal with idiocy on our landlord's part, and doing some tiring processing with w (good, useful, not tense, but tiring never the less.)

last week was also very social, which can be difficult for me, so it's just been a while since i had down time, and there isn't a whole ton of down time coming up, either.

but that wasn't really why i started this post, now that i think of it. what i was *going* to write about is how i sometimes feel like i'm making things up.

case in point: tonight, the ones doing the majority of the processing with w were adults. those who have been reading for a while might be aware that the adult parts haven't been around a lot for the past year and more (not since the end of summer, 2007). they've been coming around more often for the past few months, but still not that often. one thing i, ellis, have noticed is that a lot of times in the past when w. and i both assumed it was adults, it was actually me. i have always operated as a kind of quasi-adult, so that makes sense. at least to me.

but the adults also tend not to announce their presence a lot of the time, at least, not if they aren't doing something specifically "adult." and i get that it can be uncomfortable to say "oh, right, this is who i am" to someone who has known you for a long time, and who you're used to just being "you" with. and the bulk of the time the adults were around, they were kind of the default, you know? i/we were with w for 4 1/2 years before DID was something we'd considered. and then the adults were only around routinely for about the first year post-diagnosis, and then it's been more than a year of us younger ones being the ones who are mostly out.

right. so the point. i went to check in with w before bed, and mentioned that it had been adults. i KNOW it was adults for the bulk of that discussion. it had happened a couple of minutes previously, and i'd gone into my room, and out for a cigarette, and then came back. and it seemed like a good idea to say, "hey, this is one of those times you got adult time." but it felt like i was making things up. not because of w's response, but because i had to say something. it's hard, because neither w nor i is always good, even now, at checking to see who is out. and it's hard, because there's a level where it feels like "if she can't see it herself, then i must just be pretending when i say what's happening."

not sure where i was going with this, but there it is. just some thoughts.

Read More......

we got this award from Battle Weary. i think it's our first award!

i don't know who else already has this award, or whether they read this site anyways, but i'll pass it on to Michelle, Tempy, and HeidiVillage.

Read More......

Gaems!!!

We maed a page of GAEMS to play!!! they are diffrent gaems we liek or maby think a diffrent persun will liek. you can try them. we did not maek the gaems we just put them on the page ok.

by from MANDY!!!!

Read More......

iGoogle

We have found out something very neat. What we found out is you can make different TABS on your iGoogle page and then every tab can have different stuff on it and a different theme. This is super cool cause it means that we can make a home page for us that is different but it's the same page.

Like we just made a page for me and Jewel and Rain and maybe Amanda if she is not to grown up today. It has fairy games and coloring and stuff like that. But also there is a page for the grown ups with things like calendars and to do lists.

There is very cool stuff to put on your iGoogle page. You can have games or organizing stuff. And you can make a tab for every part if you want and then that person can just click on their tab and they have all of their things right there. And they can look at a page that is just for them.

The best thing is it is free!! You do not have to pay even a little bit, and you can put neat stuff on there. And also because it is online that means if you are on someone else's computer then you can have your page, and then it will go away when you are not on their computer because you will not stay signed in on Google.

All you have to do is have a Google email or something then you sign in and then you make a page for every person!

Read More......

united states of tara

i just watched the trailer for the united states of tara. it's a program that will be on showtime at the beginning of next year. it's about a woman who is multiple, and how she and her family are coping with it.

i know the program has upset a lot of multiples. i've read people who are offended at the very idea of it being a comedy, and i suspect that no matter how well it's handled, it's not going to be ok with some people. well, i *know* that's true. there's no way to please everyone.

but they did please me. i appreciate the way that it seemed like they addressed the range of her personalities, and how that could cause discomfort with her family. i also liked the husband's interactions--it really seemed as though he'd built up relationships with at least the parts featured on the trailer, which is a nice message to be putting out there. the notion that it's ok for a partner of a multiple to interact with different parts.

probably my response has a lot to do with my own experiences. i know that my partner is uncomfortable with thinking about having a sexual relationship with the parts who aren't adults, or who aren't the parts who started the relationship with her (although, looking back, a *lot* of us started that relationship. it was a team effort, so to speak.)

and i'm comfortable with the idea that sometimes, coping with DID is just plain funny. when i'm with my friends who know that i'm multiple, we do joke about it. we aren't making light of the trauma, or the parts that are hard. we're making light of the fact that, for instance, i can go from having a serious political discussion to being all excited about seeing a lady garbageman back to the political discussion, then on to something entirely different. or we laugh about... just the humor of the situation. and the trailer for this show didn't make me feel like they were making fun of multiples, it made me feel like they were laughing at the way that it's funny, and also being conscious of the fact that it *isn't* always funny.

maybe when someone more coherent is around (or at least when i'm not in the middle of revolving door world!) i'll post something more about this topic. but for now, i feel like it's gonna be nice to get to watch the program, and see how things develop.

the only down side is, will people think i'm making up my multiplicity because i saw it on showtime?

Read More......