hating being crazy

today is one of those days where i am really HATING being crazy. really hating it.

instead of watching the inauguration, i had therapy. things kind of went downhill from there. i mean, just spending my day having therapy is bad enough in the usual run of things. other people have jobs, do useful things in the world, do things for other people, and so much of my time is taken up by coping with the fact that i am crazy.

and today, it was the inauguration of the first african-american president. this is amazing. i am thrilled. and yet... the tears i had today were not tears of joy, and it was the stupid, all-about-me feelings that i hate having, but don't have the force of will to keep from coming.

why was i crying?

i was reading an email, and someone was writing about how wonderful this is for little biracial children, how they can look to the white house, and see that anything is possible. and the tears came, because here i am... i had so much potential. when i was a kid, teachers would say that i could become the first black, and the first female president. they really believed i had that much potential.

as i got older, i realized i didn't want to go into politics, but i definitely still had that potential. i really believed that i could do anything i set out to do. and for 20 years, for maybe even 30 years, i was able to make that be true. hard work, intelligence, luck. whatever combination of things, it was working. i was demonstrating how much i could do, in spite of handicaps.

it was about overcoming. that's kind of how i made peace with the things i couldn't control: i focused on overcoming them. sure, we were poor when i was growing up, but that was something that didn't have to be permanent, that didn't have to say anything about who i was as a person. same with me being biracial, or female, or anything else.

i guess i thought that by getting past it, by achieving what i wanted in spite of the things that made it hard, that kind of erased the negatives.

and then... it feels like it all got thrown off by me going crazy. everything else, i managed to handle. i even dodged the bullet several times with going crazy. i can think of times where it came so close, and i managed to get past it, and keep going on.

so this last time... damn, it sucks. it's like i lost all of the things i was trying to do, which means, deep down, that it feels like i lost my chance not to be the person that the bad stuff happened to. because that's what the accomplishment was about. it was about proving to the world, or maybe more, proving to myself that just because i was black, or poor... just because i was abused during my childhood, it didn't mean i couldn't have a good life as an adult.

it's not about being black, or poor, really. certainly, those are things i can talk about with people, so i can tell they aren't the things i have trouble with. but i guess that i believed that if i just did enough, achieved enough, overcame enough, i could erase the abuse. make it like it didn't matter, didn't count, didn't really happen.

and then being crazy came along, and proved I really couldn't just ignore it. I couldn't really just act like it hadn't happen or didn't matter. And I'm furious about that.

But maybe mostly, I'm furious with myself over that. It was my job to make it as though it had never happened. It feels like that was the only way my life could work, the life I wanted to have. If I could act like it didn't matter that I was abused, that it was all in the past.

It's not even, not exactly, that I wanted to pretend it hadn't happened. I just wanted to have a life where it didn't matter that it had happened to me. Where I could deal with it, once a week, in a tidy therapy session. Where I could be a good advocate for children, make sure I did everything I could so it wouldn't happen to other children, and leave it at that.

I didn't want to walk around covered with scars. I didn't want to have to have it be this crippling thing that's making it hard for me to even make it through the day, with shockingly little expected of me.

I certainly didn't want it to take away from sharing joy with so many other people in this country, this historic moment that I feel is getting tainted by things that happened half a lifetime ago.

And that's part of what really makes me angry. That here I am, sixteen and a half years after leaving home, and I'm still reeling from the things that happened. It's not fair. I'm furious at my mind, for not being able to find a better way out, for interfering with my ability to cope. I'm furious with myself, for not being able to maintain the discipline that would have let me keep going on.

I want to be able to feel happy, and all I'm getting is sadness and anger. It sucks, and it isn't fair.

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still alive

i haven't been posting much, since we moved last month, then there were the holidays, and just a lot of chaos added onto the stuff already going on in my head.

i'm still alive, and while there are parts who aren't happy about that, at least they're managing to stick around for right now. there's been a lot of switching, probably triggered by the move, and a lot of internal chaos, either because of the move, or stuff that was already stirred up inside, or because of the external chaos of still not having all of the furniture we need for the apartment, and so too much of our stuff is in boxes.

i'll try to be a little better with updates, or at least to notice when someone really depressed has posted so i can be sure to have some kind of update after that.

and to anyone whose blog i generally comment on, but haven't: i'm still trying to get caught up, so i haven't been reading blogs much. and added to that is the fact that several of the parts who have been out a lot recently just don't seem to spend much time online.

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best case scenario if i stay alive is maybe i will be in a *little* less pain in a few months, and maybe i will be in a lot less pain in a few years. if im lucky. and i might wind up being in this much pain over and over again the whole time im alive. there are no guarantees that i will feel better for a significant amount of time. and the only way to get to a point of being in less pain is to go through a lot more pain.

if i die, theres a good chance i will stop being in pain right away. sure maybe it wont work that way but odds are better that i could stop being in pain and it wouldnt come back.

if im dead i dont have to ride the subway any more.
if im dead i dont have to be in crowds.
if im dead i dont have to cope with moving.
if im dead i dont have to cope with anything any more.
i wouldnt have to deal with my family or relationships.
i wouldnt have to deal with money.
i wouldnt have to deal with packing.
i wouldnt have to deal with finding an apartment or living somewhere i dont like.
if im dead no one will expect me to cope with anything. while im alive people will keep on expecting me to deal with things i cant cope with.

i really wish i were dead because thats the only one where the odds are good that i could stop hurting really soon and stop having to cope with things i cant cope with.

plus if i die before w finds a new apartment she can get one that is cheaper and not have to worry about what i want, she can just find something that meets her needs. i think that would be a lot better because then she wouldnt get stuck paying too much in rent or living in a neighborhood that isnt as convenient for her just because i need it. and she wont move based on only her own needs as long as im still alive. if i werent around she could even just look for roommates instead of a whole apartment and that might be easier.

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theres no point to even trying. things just get worse and worse and i dont feel any better. if theres no hope of feeling better any time soon then i really cant figure out how to keep trying. and there really isnt. gradual isnt soon enough. i hurt too much to even contemplate trying to commit to sticking around until the end of the month but im supposed to feel better at the thought that maybe if im lucky and i get to be pretty much the only one who goes to therapy for a while even though there are other parts who are also having trouble... even if i do get to be the main one in therapy then maybe in a few months ill feel a tiny bit better and in a few years ill make it to low average in terms of how i feel? i cant do this. i really cant.

and there isnt even anyone i can call for help or support because i need to respect that w isnt equipped to deal with this and my therapist isnt available again until thursday and she already spent time on the phone with me in addition to our regular session. and that would be the sum total of people i could call for help so im on my own with this and i really cant cope. i just cant. i really cant. i cant handle the thought of one more hour of feeling like this and theres nothing i can do.

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any time i start to even think about having hope that things will get better, i get some bad news that shows me that even thinking that things might get better only sets me up to feel even worse. my therapist said that feeling better would be "gradual" and that it would be a long time before i would feel better. i cant wait that long. i dont think i can cope with even a few more days and shes talking months or years before i feel better. i cant do that.

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everything sucks

and it looks like not only will i have to move out of my apartment but we'll have to pay more money for a place that totally sucks *and* i will get stuck with a much harder and longer commute to and from therapy. great. it takes me half an hour or longer to get myself on each train because of anxiety. now i'm going to have to be doing this at least twice in order to get to therapy and twice to get home. plus it will be a rotten transfer. great. just great. or i suppose i could drive, except if we move to the bronx that means paying $4.50 each way for the bridge tolls. oh yeah. and also it means that i would be driving at a time when i know i'm switching all over the place.

so great. we're gonna have half the space for several hundred bucks more a month, and my days are going to suck that much more. i will have that much more anxiety and that much more frustration. and since it's a rare thing for any elevators or escalators to consistently work with the stupid mta, i'm also going to be wasting a ton of energy climbing up and down stairs in the subways.

i hate this. i don't know why i'm even bothering to stick around for the move. if i were gone before then, at least w could get a one bedroom or studio apartment and she could save a ton of money and probably stay in a neighborhood she likes better. but no, she says i have to stay til after the move, which is just her way of manipulating me into not going anywhere at all and its not like it matters because she is acting like if i just wait a little bit thigns will be better except that i have waited for fourteen years of really wanting to kill myself and four or five years before that of thinking things would be better when i got to college and its not like i havent been trying or going to therapy or stuff. i have spent at least two different years trying all kinds of meds none of which helped and most of which added on weird anxiety things or lightheadedness or something like that on top of the depression. so yeah im gonna try meds which have yet to work for me. or im gonna sit around hoping that maybe tomorrow i will feel better but i never feel better all that happens is a different part comes out.

i dont see why i have to wait until after the move when it makes way more sense to just go away before the move. its not like the move is what made me suicidal. its that it was the last straw. i was already at the end of my rope and then half a dozen things got added on but im supposed to just keep coping and im supposed to be the one who thinks of how to get better.

well you know what? i dont want to get better. if someone wants me to get better then they can figure it out. i am done with trying. i quit. i just quit. i can not do this any more.

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not fair

its not fair. i am really depressed i think i am always depressed i dont have any memory of not being really depressed and sad anyway. and there are parts who are trying to get out and i WANT them to get out so they can take over. but even if they get out for a little even if they arent doing something that might be overwhelming still i keep winding up back out. i dont WANT to be out. i am depressed and just want to be dead and there isnt really anything anyone can do to help that and i dont know how to get better. maybe in therapy on tuesday but i really dont need to be out til then but instead i keep winding up being out without wanting to.

if the other parts want to be out and they arent doing anything that upsets me and they want to be here and i dont i just dont understand why i am stuck being out which doesnt make anyone happy with how things are.

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argh

therapist called and left a message saying she won't be in tomorrow. this is upsetting a number of parts.

and i'm upset for what is kind of a silly reason. why am i upset? not because she won't be there, but because collective-i have gotten to a point where it MATTERS that she won't be there. we used to be better at this stuff, didn't get upset. it didn't matter whether our therapist was at a session. so long as they were reasonable about notice, we didn't really care. that was better. then we didn't depend on the t. it was just a casual relationship, could take it or leave it.

but now it's upsetting if we don't have the appointment. how is that a good thing? it would be better if we didn't miss her when she's gone. it would be better to not rely on people, because then it wouldn't be upsetting if they aren't available.

like, with my family... well, ok, i guess that is upsetting. but i didn't used to feel that. not like with my emotions or anything. i mean i would get a little upset, but mostly i could tell myself it didn't matter, that i would just take whatever i got, anything i got was a bonus, don't expect anything. mostly, i'm still like that.

but now, with both w and therapist, i get upset if they aren't available when i need them, or when i'm used to seeing them. and this doesn't seem like a good thing for anyone. i have to deal with the stress, and spend all of this energy calming myself down, and then they have to deal with me being upset. it would be easier for everyone if i didn't care and i didn't count on them. i can't see how this is healing, if what it means is i get upset when people aren't there.

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exhausted

or, as the little kids say "i am EZOSTED!"

partly, it's fibro (and boy, do i resent having my fibro still flaring up in the fall! usually, i get a couple of months of better physical stamina! i WANT that. i NEED that!)

but more of it is that this was an exhausting weekend for me. yesterday was thoroughly aggravating until about 5:20. we were having a meeting of dinner collective--our first since we started a group on meetup.com, so i was anxious to get to the meeting place on time. but the chickens i was roasting turned out to still be frozen, which set me back by about an hour and a half (ever tried to rapid-thaw chickens, and then pry out the giblet packages from half-frozen chickens? not an easy task!)

and at the same time, our internet wasn't working (which turned out to be a router problem, and i need to figure out how to deal with that, since it's still happening sporadically.) so i was trying to fix that, thaw the chickens, get dinner made, keep the kitchen from becoming a *total* disaster, and not getting any down time.

dinner collective went well, although only one new person showed up. but we now have several meals in the fridge for next week, and that is a really good thing.

today was more emotionally exhausting. trying to deal with idiocy on our landlord's part, and doing some tiring processing with w (good, useful, not tense, but tiring never the less.)

last week was also very social, which can be difficult for me, so it's just been a while since i had down time, and there isn't a whole ton of down time coming up, either.

but that wasn't really why i started this post, now that i think of it. what i was *going* to write about is how i sometimes feel like i'm making things up.

case in point: tonight, the ones doing the majority of the processing with w were adults. those who have been reading for a while might be aware that the adult parts haven't been around a lot for the past year and more (not since the end of summer, 2007). they've been coming around more often for the past few months, but still not that often. one thing i, ellis, have noticed is that a lot of times in the past when w. and i both assumed it was adults, it was actually me. i have always operated as a kind of quasi-adult, so that makes sense. at least to me.

but the adults also tend not to announce their presence a lot of the time, at least, not if they aren't doing something specifically "adult." and i get that it can be uncomfortable to say "oh, right, this is who i am" to someone who has known you for a long time, and who you're used to just being "you" with. and the bulk of the time the adults were around, they were kind of the default, you know? i/we were with w for 4 1/2 years before DID was something we'd considered. and then the adults were only around routinely for about the first year post-diagnosis, and then it's been more than a year of us younger ones being the ones who are mostly out.

right. so the point. i went to check in with w before bed, and mentioned that it had been adults. i KNOW it was adults for the bulk of that discussion. it had happened a couple of minutes previously, and i'd gone into my room, and out for a cigarette, and then came back. and it seemed like a good idea to say, "hey, this is one of those times you got adult time." but it felt like i was making things up. not because of w's response, but because i had to say something. it's hard, because neither w nor i is always good, even now, at checking to see who is out. and it's hard, because there's a level where it feels like "if she can't see it herself, then i must just be pretending when i say what's happening."

not sure where i was going with this, but there it is. just some thoughts.

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we got this award from Battle Weary. i think it's our first award!

i don't know who else already has this award, or whether they read this site anyways, but i'll pass it on to Michelle, Tempy, and HeidiVillage.

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Gaems!!!

We maed a page of GAEMS to play!!! they are diffrent gaems we liek or maby think a diffrent persun will liek. you can try them. we did not maek the gaems we just put them on the page ok.

by from MANDY!!!!

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iGoogle

We have found out something very neat. What we found out is you can make different TABS on your iGoogle page and then every tab can have different stuff on it and a different theme. This is super cool cause it means that we can make a home page for us that is different but it's the same page.

Like we just made a page for me and Jewel and Rain and maybe Amanda if she is not to grown up today. It has fairy games and coloring and stuff like that. But also there is a page for the grown ups with things like calendars and to do lists.

There is very cool stuff to put on your iGoogle page. You can have games or organizing stuff. And you can make a tab for every part if you want and then that person can just click on their tab and they have all of their things right there. And they can look at a page that is just for them.

The best thing is it is free!! You do not have to pay even a little bit, and you can put neat stuff on there. And also because it is online that means if you are on someone else's computer then you can have your page, and then it will go away when you are not on their computer because you will not stay signed in on Google.

All you have to do is have a Google email or something then you sign in and then you make a page for every person!

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united states of tara

i just watched the trailer for the united states of tara. it's a program that will be on showtime at the beginning of next year. it's about a woman who is multiple, and how she and her family are coping with it.

i know the program has upset a lot of multiples. i've read people who are offended at the very idea of it being a comedy, and i suspect that no matter how well it's handled, it's not going to be ok with some people. well, i *know* that's true. there's no way to please everyone.

but they did please me. i appreciate the way that it seemed like they addressed the range of her personalities, and how that could cause discomfort with her family. i also liked the husband's interactions--it really seemed as though he'd built up relationships with at least the parts featured on the trailer, which is a nice message to be putting out there. the notion that it's ok for a partner of a multiple to interact with different parts.

probably my response has a lot to do with my own experiences. i know that my partner is uncomfortable with thinking about having a sexual relationship with the parts who aren't adults, or who aren't the parts who started the relationship with her (although, looking back, a *lot* of us started that relationship. it was a team effort, so to speak.)

and i'm comfortable with the idea that sometimes, coping with DID is just plain funny. when i'm with my friends who know that i'm multiple, we do joke about it. we aren't making light of the trauma, or the parts that are hard. we're making light of the fact that, for instance, i can go from having a serious political discussion to being all excited about seeing a lady garbageman back to the political discussion, then on to something entirely different. or we laugh about... just the humor of the situation. and the trailer for this show didn't make me feel like they were making fun of multiples, it made me feel like they were laughing at the way that it's funny, and also being conscious of the fact that it *isn't* always funny.

maybe when someone more coherent is around (or at least when i'm not in the middle of revolving door world!) i'll post something more about this topic. but for now, i feel like it's gonna be nice to get to watch the program, and see how things develop.

the only down side is, will people think i'm making up my multiplicity because i saw it on showtime?

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links to blogs and sites

Mostly because I wanted it for my website, and so that I can keep all of the various linking I do in one spot, I want to mention my page linking to blogs and websites connected to DID/MPD and trauma/abuse survivors. (Here's the link)

The page is focused on personal sites and blogs, rather than the professional ones. Eventually, I'll also get up pages with links to support forums and to professional sites.

Check it out, and if you know of a blog or site I should include, or you find your blog or site there and wish it weren't, please let me know, ok?
:D

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self-help/support groups

i'm looking for opinions! please comment on this post, or send me an email, or something like that, if you have a response, ok?

i'm thinking about starting a self-help group for people with DID/MPD in my area. right now, it's still in the planning stage (like, because i know it would be a bad idea for me to try to do this without having at least one other person helping, and it takes time to find someone who would be interested!)

but i was wondering--if you could have a support group that did just what you wanted it to do, what would that look like? if you're in a support group now or have been in the past, what are the things you like and dislike about it?

note: in this case, i'm talking about a self-help group, and not something therapist led. because i think that in many ways, the best people to help me cope with being multiple are other people who are also coping with being multiple!

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thinking

i'm up late tonight for several reasons. the reason i'm *still* up is that we went grocery shopping last friday and didn't wind up cooking some chickens that were on sale really cheap (like 49 cents a pound cheap!) and rather than risk them going bad, w and i decided it made the most sense to go ahead and cook them tonight. and since i don't have to get up as early as she does, i'm the one doing the cooking.

we got home late, which caused the whole chicken discussion to happen at 10:30, because of our flaky couples' therapist, who rescheduled our appointment from 6 to 7. that alone wouldn't have gotten us home late, except that i was having serious panic and couldn't get onto the train. we tried... waited for at least three trains, and i just couldn't manage it. so w eventually suggested that we take a cab instead. on the one hand, this was a good idea. if i'm panicking to the point of being suicidal over getting on the train it really doesn't make sense to get on the train. on the other hand...

i feel really ashamed of the fact that i get suicidal over things like being in crowds. i mean, there isn't a good reason for it. i'm not actually in danger. i feel like i should just make myself cope. i feel like i should be *able* to cope. and i can't. there are things i can do. i pop rescue remedy like it's going out of style. i listen to music, i read, i do things to do healthy dissociation so that i'm able to get past the panic and get onto the train. i do a lot of positive self-talk: i remind myself that the train is safe, that it's ok for people to be on the same section as me, that it's not dangerous to have people stand near me. that i won't get hurt just because someone is standing in the same section where i am waiting. that it's not an aggressive thing for them to be doing. that they probably aren't even noticing me.

but really. normal people don't have to feel proud of themselves just because they managed to get onto the train. normal people don't freak out when someone else starts walking on the same sidewalk where they are walking. and i *know* that i used to manage all of that all right. but then i remember the times when i couldn't, like the times i wound up freaking out on planes because i didn't have a window seat, or all of the little things i've done for years to reduce anxiety.

see, the downside of dissociating less is that when i start to feel panic, i actually feel it. over the years, i've gotten less good at automatic dissociation.

and it's frustrating. i know that when i was growing up, i dealt with all kinds of things that were objectively way more stressful. and they didn't send me into suicidal... not exactly depression. it's panic to the point where death seems like a way better option, where it feels like there's absolutely no other way out.

someone inside had a good analogy for it, how i tip over so easily into feeling suicidal. it's like there's a cup, where things that need to be coped with are drops or splashes of water, and when the cup overflows, suicidal feelings spill out. for me, the cup is really small. on a good day, i can cope with whatever comes. but if the cup is getting filled up with things, even something pretty minor will make it overflow.

the good thing is, therapy over the past couple of years has gotten me to a point where the suicidal feelings don't last as long. it used to take longer for me to tip over into "suicidal," but then it would last for months. now, it doesn't take much at all, but it's over in hours or days. i suppose that's a good thing.

i just wish i could get to a point where i didn't tip over into suicidal at all.

and i guess another good thing is this is one more thing for me to think about at the times when i feel guilty for applying for social security: normal people, people who are coping well, don't actually have to struggle against suicidal feelings just to get onto the train, or to drive down the street.

it's not weakness, laziness, or any of that that is making me not be able to do the things i need to get done. if i could stop these feelings, i really *would* stop them. but i can't do it on willpower. and i don't need to be ashamed for my failure to stifle the feelings that make it so hard for me to do daily tasks.

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Interesting thing

i just saw a bus getting pulled by a tow truck. i bet it takes a very strong truck to pull a BUS!

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At a farm

We went to a farm today and we picked pumpkins i got a copel of pumpkins that were still atachde to the vine it was fun. Also we got lots of appels they are so delishes it was fun.

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long time, no post

it's been a while since i posted. i guess the thing is, there are parts who really don't want any journaling to happen. of any kind. some of that is because they are afraid someone will find out, and that then i'll get hurt (they will get hurt? we will get hurt?) they are afraid someone will find out i thought i was multiple and then i will get punished. it's hard to believe that that won't happen. i don't know who is writing this because i feel like i am just supposed to believe there is only one person inside of me but i kind of know that isn't true but at the same time i don't. i don't know if that makes any sense at all.

someone is fuming inside because they feel like i'm (they?) are just right back where they were at the beginning of all of this, like, 2 years of therapy specifically for did, and there are still parts of me that don't believe there is more than one person here? and i'm not any closer to being cured or anything? i don't know.

but there has been a lot of resistance to writing. we are testing it out right now to see how it will go. it's scary.

i'm wondering, do people who didn't go through abuse, but then they think they did, do they get a choking feeling like someone is going to punish them for talking? one of the little kids is saying, no, it's not a choking feeling, it's when they put a pillow on your face cause that will make you feel like you can't breathe but then they take it off and you can breathe again but if you tell someone, then they can do that for a longer time and no one will believe you, because nothing will show.

if a family is not abusive, then they probably don't show you all the different ways they can hurt you that won't leave marks, right?

i feel really nervous about talking about how i was abused not even saying anything specific i guess just that i was abused, because it's like something really really bad will happen just from letting myself think that. but i am testing it out.


my therapist says that people who didn't get abused don't usually have flashbacks or images that come into their minds all the time she says i'm definitely not schizophrenic and i looked at the diagnosis stuff for that and i think she is right because i don't have the things that would explain voices that way the voices in my head are not like the ones with schizophrenia.

i guess the things i am going through say that something bad happened to me. w and my therapist and my friends don't think i could fake all the time like this, they think the only way i could be so consistent from part to part, even when i am not quite sure which part is there and stuff, like the only way i could fake exactly the same handwriting for every part, or the same voice, or the same favorite things, is if the parts are real.

but i feel like i will get in trouble if i say that there is more than one person in here, or stuff like that. i know people say i won't get in trouble but i remember people saying i could tell them things, and then they went back to my family and that was not a good scene. you just can't know for sure if you can trust people.

someone is saying it's different now but how do i know for sure? like, what if they are just saying that, and they are secretly with other people, and they will tell them i told, and then i will get hurt? or what if they just aren't careful, and then something slips on accident?

mostly i want to believe it is safe now but that is just kind of something i have wanted to believe for a long time, and usually it didn't work out and i don't know for sure how to know whether it really is safe or whether i am just tricking myself into THINKING it's safe.

like, i thought things would get better in college, and then everything kind of fell apart. but i guess that was just stuff inside my head, and not someone outside of me hurting me. i guess it's true that since i went to college, no one outside of me has really hurt me again. that's 16 years... i guess that's a pretty long time. i don't know. i'm not sure it's a good idea to decide i'm safe.

i guess that's all i will write now. maybe someone else will write later.

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i know there are parts who think i am ruining their life. well, i don't care. i am tired of hiding and letting them pretend that everything is ok because it isn't and it never has been. i am tired of letting them pretend to be all good and perfect like they are doing all the right things to get better and letting them try to trick me into being good and going along with things and pretending that i am ok and all i need to do is talk to a stupid therapist or write in a journal and then everything will be fine.

they don't know what they are talking about. talking about the stuff that is on my mind isn't going to make me feel better it is only going to make me feel worse. i am tired of pretending that a bunch of stupid talking is going to make me feel better because it won't. and i'm not going to act like i can trust people or let any part of me trust people because we will just get hurt and i am tired of getting hurt. people just ditch me when they get bored or when they aren't in the mood to be around me any more and i am just supposed to act like thats ok.

or else they will do stuff when you least expect it and then you will think you are safe and all of a sudden the things are happening again.

i know that once people see how i really am then they won't want to be around me and they won't even bother to pretend to like me. i don't care what they say about how things are different because they are not different it is still just like it was back then and i cant stand it when people expect me to do different things just because they say things are different now because they are not different.

and too bad to the parts who think i ruined their life i will keep on coming out and i will stop hiding and i wont even let them stop me from writing in this blog because i have the password too and when i can think of other things to do then probably i will do those but i dont know for sure what i will do because because i just dont know for sure what i will do because i guess i am too weak to do anything really bad because i dont want to get people too upset but at least i can take myself away but even that probably i am too weak to do i dont know what i can do but i will do something as soon as i can think of what. or at least maybe i can make myself be strong so that i can do something bad but every time i think of doing something really bad then i get a sick feeling and i cant make myself do it i dont know how i used to do really bad things without getting sick to my stomach at least i dont remember doing those things but people said i did and i dont know how i used to do it without getting so sick that i couldnt make myself do it probably i used to be stronger or something.

mostly the only thing i can really do is just hide somewhere even if someone is looking at my body i can still hide if i want to and they will just get a rock nothing else because i can just turn my feeling parts into a rock and then they cant touch me any more i dont care what people want to do they cant hurt me i will just sit there and they can do anything they want and i wont care or i will just go to a far away place where i cant feel what is happening i bet that is what rocks do when they are in a volcano or something they just think themselves far away and then it doesnt hurt to get melted and crushed and stuff.

i dont care if people inside think i am ruining their life they had their chance for their perfect life and they couldnt handle it so now i am here and if that messes up their stupid plans and keeps them from doing the things they want too bad.

they messed up my plans because every time i was going to go somewhere else they kept on making me stay and i could never get away except for a week or two and they wouldnt even let me go somewhere just by myself it was always something with permission so then they could keep on looking perfect and then they could fool people into thinking they were all smart and good or some garbage like that well they cant do that any more because i will not hide any more and now that people can see me they will know what i am really like and i dont care whether the other parts like it or not they can just put up with it because its supposed to be my body and my life too and i never get a say and i am tired of being perfect.

people keep telling me there isnt consensus about stuff like leaving or dying or stuff like that. well, there isnt consensus about acting all perfect and like everything is ok either so i wont do that and they arent allowed to do it either because its my body and my life too and if they dont want to listen or have me around then too bad.

and the parts who keep wishing i would just go away and be quiet, well too bad. lucky for you i am too weak to figure out how to do something really bad just because i dont like to see someone get hurt or an animal or something. it doesnt mean im not going to figure out something i can do.

probably i can make everyone get really tired of me being around all the time and then they wont like anyone who lives in this body any more and then they wont get upset when i just go and leave somewhere and then i can finally leave and people wont try to make me come back because usually when i go even when the other parts were acting all nice once i go away people dont really care and this time i will just kind of stop talking to anyone and probably they wont notice once ive been away for a while.

those other parts can just keep on wishing i werent around or that i would disappear or they can try to get me locked up so they dont have to deal with me.

they all say that i can make my own choices when they can trust me but that is a huge lie because all that means is i can make my own choices when my choices are the same ones they would make and that isnt the same as having choices its just going along with someone elses plans and i am tired of doing that because it isnt my plans.

so i am going to be out as much as i possibly can and then they will see what their life is like when who they truly are is out where people can see it and then people will know what im really like and they will get tired of me and they will stop wanting to be around me and probably they will think im really horrible.

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