We have found out something very neat. What we found out is you can make different TABS on your iGoogle page and then every tab can have different stuff on it and a different theme. This is super cool cause it means that we can make a home page for us that is different but it's the same page.
Like we just made a page for me and Jewel and Rain and maybe Amanda if she is not to grown up today. It has fairy games and coloring and stuff like that. But also there is a page for the grown ups with things like calendars and to do lists.
There is very cool stuff to put on your iGoogle page. You can have games or organizing stuff. And you can make a tab for every part if you want and then that person can just click on their tab and they have all of their things right there. And they can look at a page that is just for them.
The best thing is it is free!! You do not have to pay even a little bit, and you can put neat stuff on there. And also because it is online that means if you are on someone else's computer then you can have your page, and then it will go away when you are not on their computer because you will not stay signed in on Google.
All you have to do is have a Google email or something then you sign in and then you make a page for every person!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
iGoogle
Thursday, October 23, 2008
united states of tara
i just watched the trailer for the united states of tara. it's a program that will be on showtime at the beginning of next year. it's about a woman who is multiple, and how she and her family are coping with it.
i know the program has upset a lot of multiples. i've read people who are offended at the very idea of it being a comedy, and i suspect that no matter how well it's handled, it's not going to be ok with some people. well, i *know* that's true. there's no way to please everyone.
but they did please me. i appreciate the way that it seemed like they addressed the range of her personalities, and how that could cause discomfort with her family. i also liked the husband's interactions--it really seemed as though he'd built up relationships with at least the parts featured on the trailer, which is a nice message to be putting out there. the notion that it's ok for a partner of a multiple to interact with different parts.
probably my response has a lot to do with my own experiences. i know that my partner is uncomfortable with thinking about having a sexual relationship with the parts who aren't adults, or who aren't the parts who started the relationship with her (although, looking back, a *lot* of us started that relationship. it was a team effort, so to speak.)
and i'm comfortable with the idea that sometimes, coping with DID is just plain funny. when i'm with my friends who know that i'm multiple, we do joke about it. we aren't making light of the trauma, or the parts that are hard. we're making light of the fact that, for instance, i can go from having a serious political discussion to being all excited about seeing a lady garbageman back to the political discussion, then on to something entirely different. or we laugh about... just the humor of the situation. and the trailer for this show didn't make me feel like they were making fun of multiples, it made me feel like they were laughing at the way that it's funny, and also being conscious of the fact that it *isn't* always funny.
maybe when someone more coherent is around (or at least when i'm not in the middle of revolving door world!) i'll post something more about this topic. but for now, i feel like it's gonna be nice to get to watch the program, and see how things develop.
the only down side is, will people think i'm making up my multiplicity because i saw it on showtime?
Saturday, October 18, 2008
links to blogs and sites
Mostly because I wanted it for my website, and so that I can keep all of the various linking I do in one spot, I want to mention my page linking to blogs and websites connected to DID/MPD and trauma/abuse survivors. (Here's the link)
The page is focused on personal sites and blogs, rather than the professional ones. Eventually, I'll also get up pages with links to support forums and to professional sites.
Check it out, and if you know of a blog or site I should include, or you find your blog or site there and wish it weren't, please let me know, ok?
:D
Friday, October 17, 2008
self-help/support groups
i'm looking for opinions! please comment on this post, or send me an email, or something like that, if you have a response, ok?
i'm thinking about starting a self-help group for people with DID/MPD in my area. right now, it's still in the planning stage (like, because i know it would be a bad idea for me to try to do this without having at least one other person helping, and it takes time to find someone who would be interested!)
but i was wondering--if you could have a support group that did just what you wanted it to do, what would that look like? if you're in a support group now or have been in the past, what are the things you like and dislike about it?
note: in this case, i'm talking about a self-help group, and not something therapist led. because i think that in many ways, the best people to help me cope with being multiple are other people who are also coping with being multiple!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
thinking
i'm up late tonight for several reasons. the reason i'm *still* up is that we went grocery shopping last friday and didn't wind up cooking some chickens that were on sale really cheap (like 49 cents a pound cheap!) and rather than risk them going bad, w and i decided it made the most sense to go ahead and cook them tonight. and since i don't have to get up as early as she does, i'm the one doing the cooking.
we got home late, which caused the whole chicken discussion to happen at 10:30, because of our flaky couples' therapist, who rescheduled our appointment from 6 to 7. that alone wouldn't have gotten us home late, except that i was having serious panic and couldn't get onto the train. we tried... waited for at least three trains, and i just couldn't manage it. so w eventually suggested that we take a cab instead. on the one hand, this was a good idea. if i'm panicking to the point of being suicidal over getting on the train it really doesn't make sense to get on the train. on the other hand...
i feel really ashamed of the fact that i get suicidal over things like being in crowds. i mean, there isn't a good reason for it. i'm not actually in danger. i feel like i should just make myself cope. i feel like i should be *able* to cope. and i can't. there are things i can do. i pop rescue remedy like it's going out of style. i listen to music, i read, i do things to do healthy dissociation so that i'm able to get past the panic and get onto the train. i do a lot of positive self-talk: i remind myself that the train is safe, that it's ok for people to be on the same section as me, that it's not dangerous to have people stand near me. that i won't get hurt just because someone is standing in the same section where i am waiting. that it's not an aggressive thing for them to be doing. that they probably aren't even noticing me.
but really. normal people don't have to feel proud of themselves just because they managed to get onto the train. normal people don't freak out when someone else starts walking on the same sidewalk where they are walking. and i *know* that i used to manage all of that all right. but then i remember the times when i couldn't, like the times i wound up freaking out on planes because i didn't have a window seat, or all of the little things i've done for years to reduce anxiety.
see, the downside of dissociating less is that when i start to feel panic, i actually feel it. over the years, i've gotten less good at automatic dissociation.
and it's frustrating. i know that when i was growing up, i dealt with all kinds of things that were objectively way more stressful. and they didn't send me into suicidal... not exactly depression. it's panic to the point where death seems like a way better option, where it feels like there's absolutely no other way out.
someone inside had a good analogy for it, how i tip over so easily into feeling suicidal. it's like there's a cup, where things that need to be coped with are drops or splashes of water, and when the cup overflows, suicidal feelings spill out. for me, the cup is really small. on a good day, i can cope with whatever comes. but if the cup is getting filled up with things, even something pretty minor will make it overflow.
the good thing is, therapy over the past couple of years has gotten me to a point where the suicidal feelings don't last as long. it used to take longer for me to tip over into "suicidal," but then it would last for months. now, it doesn't take much at all, but it's over in hours or days. i suppose that's a good thing.
i just wish i could get to a point where i didn't tip over into suicidal at all.
and i guess another good thing is this is one more thing for me to think about at the times when i feel guilty for applying for social security: normal people, people who are coping well, don't actually have to struggle against suicidal feelings just to get onto the train, or to drive down the street.
it's not weakness, laziness, or any of that that is making me not be able to do the things i need to get done. if i could stop these feelings, i really *would* stop them. but i can't do it on willpower. and i don't need to be ashamed for my failure to stifle the feelings that make it so hard for me to do daily tasks.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Interesting thing
Sunday, October 12, 2008
At a farm
We went to a farm today and we picked pumpkins i got a copel of pumpkins that were still atachde to the vine it was fun. Also we got lots of appels they are so delishes it was fun.
Read More......Wednesday, October 08, 2008
long time, no post
it's been a while since i posted. i guess the thing is, there are parts who really don't want any journaling to happen. of any kind. some of that is because they are afraid someone will find out, and that then i'll get hurt (they will get hurt? we will get hurt?) they are afraid someone will find out i thought i was multiple and then i will get punished. it's hard to believe that that won't happen. i don't know who is writing this because i feel like i am just supposed to believe there is only one person inside of me but i kind of know that isn't true but at the same time i don't. i don't know if that makes any sense at all.
someone is fuming inside because they feel like i'm (they?) are just right back where they were at the beginning of all of this, like, 2 years of therapy specifically for did, and there are still parts of me that don't believe there is more than one person here? and i'm not any closer to being cured or anything? i don't know.
but there has been a lot of resistance to writing. we are testing it out right now to see how it will go. it's scary.
i'm wondering, do people who didn't go through abuse, but then they think they did, do they get a choking feeling like someone is going to punish them for talking? one of the little kids is saying, no, it's not a choking feeling, it's when they put a pillow on your face cause that will make you feel like you can't breathe but then they take it off and you can breathe again but if you tell someone, then they can do that for a longer time and no one will believe you, because nothing will show.
if a family is not abusive, then they probably don't show you all the different ways they can hurt you that won't leave marks, right?
i feel really nervous about talking about how i was abused not even saying anything specific i guess just that i was abused, because it's like something really really bad will happen just from letting myself think that. but i am testing it out.
my therapist says that people who didn't get abused don't usually have flashbacks or images that come into their minds all the time she says i'm definitely not schizophrenic and i looked at the diagnosis stuff for that and i think she is right because i don't have the things that would explain voices that way the voices in my head are not like the ones with schizophrenia.
i guess the things i am going through say that something bad happened to me. w and my therapist and my friends don't think i could fake all the time like this, they think the only way i could be so consistent from part to part, even when i am not quite sure which part is there and stuff, like the only way i could fake exactly the same handwriting for every part, or the same voice, or the same favorite things, is if the parts are real.
but i feel like i will get in trouble if i say that there is more than one person in here, or stuff like that. i know people say i won't get in trouble but i remember people saying i could tell them things, and then they went back to my family and that was not a good scene. you just can't know for sure if you can trust people.
someone is saying it's different now but how do i know for sure? like, what if they are just saying that, and they are secretly with other people, and they will tell them i told, and then i will get hurt? or what if they just aren't careful, and then something slips on accident?
mostly i want to believe it is safe now but that is just kind of something i have wanted to believe for a long time, and usually it didn't work out and i don't know for sure how to know whether it really is safe or whether i am just tricking myself into THINKING it's safe.
like, i thought things would get better in college, and then everything kind of fell apart. but i guess that was just stuff inside my head, and not someone outside of me hurting me. i guess it's true that since i went to college, no one outside of me has really hurt me again. that's 16 years... i guess that's a pretty long time. i don't know. i'm not sure it's a good idea to decide i'm safe.
i guess that's all i will write now. maybe someone else will write later.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
i know there are parts who think i am ruining their life. well, i don't care. i am tired of hiding and letting them pretend that everything is ok because it isn't and it never has been. i am tired of letting them pretend to be all good and perfect like they are doing all the right things to get better and letting them try to trick me into being good and going along with things and pretending that i am ok and all i need to do is talk to a stupid therapist or write in a journal and then everything will be fine.
they don't know what they are talking about. talking about the stuff that is on my mind isn't going to make me feel better it is only going to make me feel worse. i am tired of pretending that a bunch of stupid talking is going to make me feel better because it won't. and i'm not going to act like i can trust people or let any part of me trust people because we will just get hurt and i am tired of getting hurt. people just ditch me when they get bored or when they aren't in the mood to be around me any more and i am just supposed to act like thats ok.
or else they will do stuff when you least expect it and then you will think you are safe and all of a sudden the things are happening again.
i know that once people see how i really am then they won't want to be around me and they won't even bother to pretend to like me. i don't care what they say about how things are different because they are not different it is still just like it was back then and i cant stand it when people expect me to do different things just because they say things are different now because they are not different.
and too bad to the parts who think i ruined their life i will keep on coming out and i will stop hiding and i wont even let them stop me from writing in this blog because i have the password too and when i can think of other things to do then probably i will do those but i dont know for sure what i will do because because i just dont know for sure what i will do because i guess i am too weak to do anything really bad because i dont want to get people too upset but at least i can take myself away but even that probably i am too weak to do i dont know what i can do but i will do something as soon as i can think of what. or at least maybe i can make myself be strong so that i can do something bad but every time i think of doing something really bad then i get a sick feeling and i cant make myself do it i dont know how i used to do really bad things without getting sick to my stomach at least i dont remember doing those things but people said i did and i dont know how i used to do it without getting so sick that i couldnt make myself do it probably i used to be stronger or something.
mostly the only thing i can really do is just hide somewhere even if someone is looking at my body i can still hide if i want to and they will just get a rock nothing else because i can just turn my feeling parts into a rock and then they cant touch me any more i dont care what people want to do they cant hurt me i will just sit there and they can do anything they want and i wont care or i will just go to a far away place where i cant feel what is happening i bet that is what rocks do when they are in a volcano or something they just think themselves far away and then it doesnt hurt to get melted and crushed and stuff.
i dont care if people inside think i am ruining their life they had their chance for their perfect life and they couldnt handle it so now i am here and if that messes up their stupid plans and keeps them from doing the things they want too bad.
they messed up my plans because every time i was going to go somewhere else they kept on making me stay and i could never get away except for a week or two and they wouldnt even let me go somewhere just by myself it was always something with permission so then they could keep on looking perfect and then they could fool people into thinking they were all smart and good or some garbage like that well they cant do that any more because i will not hide any more and now that people can see me they will know what i am really like and i dont care whether the other parts like it or not they can just put up with it because its supposed to be my body and my life too and i never get a say and i am tired of being perfect.
people keep telling me there isnt consensus about stuff like leaving or dying or stuff like that. well, there isnt consensus about acting all perfect and like everything is ok either so i wont do that and they arent allowed to do it either because its my body and my life too and if they dont want to listen or have me around then too bad.
and the parts who keep wishing i would just go away and be quiet, well too bad. lucky for you i am too weak to figure out how to do something really bad just because i dont like to see someone get hurt or an animal or something. it doesnt mean im not going to figure out something i can do.
probably i can make everyone get really tired of me being around all the time and then they wont like anyone who lives in this body any more and then they wont get upset when i just go and leave somewhere and then i can finally leave and people wont try to make me come back because usually when i go even when the other parts were acting all nice once i go away people dont really care and this time i will just kind of stop talking to anyone and probably they wont notice once ive been away for a while.
those other parts can just keep on wishing i werent around or that i would disappear or they can try to get me locked up so they dont have to deal with me.
they all say that i can make my own choices when they can trust me but that is a huge lie because all that means is i can make my own choices when my choices are the same ones they would make and that isnt the same as having choices its just going along with someone elses plans and i am tired of doing that because it isnt my plans.
so i am going to be out as much as i possibly can and then they will see what their life is like when who they truly are is out where people can see it and then people will know what im really like and they will get tired of me and they will stop wanting to be around me and probably they will think im really horrible.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Foke festivel
I wuld liek to riet about going to a foke festivel. We went to a foke festivel last week. It was fun espeshully caues the pepul at the foke festivel were super nise they did not tees a persun if they were diffrent insted they were nise.
Also ther is lots of music at a foke festivel we saw soem music we liekd and also soem music we did not all liek but it was ok caues we only had to pay a littel of money to go and it was fun mostly.
But then the foke festivel got too ECKSITING. that is caues of the wether. the wether was STORMS. it was a storm of LITNENG and THUNDER and HAIL!!! that was TOO ecksiting caues then things like TENTS fell down not just littel tents but also BIG tents liek where lots of pepul were going to eat. also ther was all most a FLOOD caues of the rain. that is how ecksiting it was.
I liek a foke festivel mostly. i liek the music. also i saw soem shooting STARS and thos are my favrit. they are so cool! i liek to see thos and then i make a WISH on them liek in the song about you maek a wish on a star that is wat i do.
I gess that is all for riet now. ther was soemthing els i wanted to riet about but i do not remember that is ok. maby i will get to riet later ok.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
we enjoyed this video
lots of parts have other things to post, but for right now, i'll share this video, which i think pretty much all of us liked.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Test video
Not sure if this will work but it's worth a try. i'm enjoying the music at this festival. Some of the other parts are DONE with being away from home. one good thing is that we can see the main stage from our camp site. So i can enjoy the music even if other parts are cranky and want to hide. or even if the people i'm with are asleep and the littles don't want to go somewhere by themselves or with strangers.
This message was sent using the Picture and Video Messaging service from Verizon Wireless!
To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture.
To play video messages sent to email, QuickTime� 6.5 or higher is required. Visit www.apple.com/quicktime/download to download the free player or upgrade your existing QuickTime� Player. Note: During the download process when asked to choose an installation type (Minimum, Recommended or Custom), select Minimum for faster download.
Read More......Monday, July 21, 2008
Simple syrup?
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Disability
Filling out the application for disability. Question for those who have done this: how much did you mention other parts and switching?
Read More......Friday, July 18, 2008
The zoo!!!!!
O boy! i had SUCH an ecksiting day to day!!! i got to go to the ZOO with some FRINDS. they are pepul from my group for pepul liek me, also they have other pepul insied of them.
We had fun!!!! we got to see lots of animuls. it was not a super big zoo just a littel one that was good caues it was HOT to day and i think i wuld have got to TIRED at the big zoo but maby one tiem we can go to the big zoo to gether i did go to the big zoo one tiem with one of the pepul and maby we can go again i have a zoo member that is how i can get in for FREE and also one other persun plus w she can go for free to!!!!
Today we saw neat animuls. There were PINGWINS i liek them and puffins and also poller bears. ther is a pickchur of the poller bears at the top i used my phone to make that pickchur so it is not super good but i can go a nother tiem and probly ellis or soemone will take more pickchurs.
We had SO much fun. i liek thos pepul we went to the zoo with i hoep they liek me to. probly they do they are nise pepul.
I liek to have a zoo member caues then i can go to the zoo when i want but only i liek to go if i have a frind to go with me caues then it is more fun. also i can go to the kwariem. i went to the kwariem a littel bit ago again with w we saw thos animuls again liek the walres and the the fish and stuff. also the sea lien show at the kwariem is more intresting than the one at the zoo.
I hoep i can go to the big zoo soemtiem also with thos pepul i saw to day caues i liek to go with them they are fun to go with and they are not so gron up as w all the tiem. w is very nise but she only is a gron up and it is fun when i go with a persun who is also littel insied.
W caem back from her thing she was away at for ONE HOLE WEEK!!! i missed her mostly befor i did not miss a persun i just did not mind so much but this tiem i missed w super much and now she is hoem. she was still gone this morning so that is why she did not go with us to the zoo but next time probly she WILL go.
bye. Read More......
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
the DID/MPD workbook
i set up a forum for creating a workbook for coping with DID/MPD and other dissociative disorders. i'm a pretty good researcher, and have yet to find something like this, either on paper or online; at least, i haven't seen anything like that in print or online.
so i figure, if all of the other mental disorders get to have workbooks, why shouldn't we have one as well?
but i'm not particularly much of an expert in coping, so i'm asking anyone who is interested if they would like to help as well.
i'm not expecting people to be experts or therapists or anything like that. it's more along the lines of self-help, and pooling our knowledge. i know that i've come up with some solutions that other people found really helpful, and that other people have come up with things that i found really helpful.
so if you have any interest in the DID/MPD workbook, or if you know someone who might have interest, please check it out, or pass the information along. feel free to post about it anywhere that seems appropriate.
thanks!
Monday, June 23, 2008
wallpaper
i don't know what's up today, but i swear, the wallpaper on my computer has gotten changed about five dozen times today. normally, the wallpaper on the computer stays the same for months or years on end, but different parts have been grabbing the computer mouse as the slideshow of pictures plays on my google sidebar, and clicking "set as wallpaper" every few minutes.
no real point to sharing that, i guess. but it's getting a little crazy for me. crazyER.
Friday, June 13, 2008
on the bright side....
so i finally got convinced to try applying for disability, and we were supposed to do the interview by phone this afternoon. i'm not doing so well today (have i been doing well very often lately? does making it to the point where i'm not in the *middle* of panic attacks count?) but i was gonna go through with it. w was going to be on the phone with us, so it would've worked out ok. i think.
anyhow, she just got a call from the disability people, and they wanted to reschedule for tomorrow morning. so that at least can be put off a little longer. maybe i'll be more functional tomorrow morning. or more coherent. or something.
on the anxiety front: i realized something, as i was pondering why it seems like things have gotten so much worse. and it occurred to me: if i'm dissociating less, and becoming more aware of how i feel, physically and emotionally, then it stands to reason that i will actually go through *feeling* the things i formerly dissociated. such as physical pain (and it turns out i get a lot of that) and definitely things like anxiety or sadness or anger.
so i guess it's a good sign, that i'm feeling these more intensely.
i keep reminding myself that it's like when you're doing deep levels of organization in the house: things get WAY messier for a while, while everything gets pulled out to be put into new places. and then it gets WAY better when you're done.
i only wish it weren't taking so darned long!!
Friday, June 06, 2008
memories and monsters
had an interesting conversation (does it count as a conversation if it's all in my own head?) with the part who was out in therapy yesterday. not quite sure who it is. maybe one of the nonnys, but not completely sure. i think she's probably eight or nine, just based on the images i get when she thinks about things.
anyhow, she'd been talking with my therapist about how it is really dangerous to play, and how it's like there is a certain number of times you can play when nothing will happen, and you never know how many times that is, but if you play one too many times, then it will make the bad thing happen. same with not remembering all of the little things they do to keep safe.
her logic as to why things haven't been as bad since i left home is that maybe they just got better at being able to be careful, and if they *stop* being careful, then the bad things will happen.
after therapy, i was trying to get a sense of what exactly they mean, when they worry about "bad things." and this one gave me some interesting information. i don't think that they actually experienced the abuse directly. from the perspective of some of these parts--the ones who are super careful about following lots of "rules" and stuff like that--what they experience is this:
they miss some particular step or magic thing or make some kind of mistake. then they feel dread and fear about what is going to happen. then they "wake up" in pain, or they have more "nightmares."
and the thing is? i have fibromyalgia. i wake up in pain a LOT of the time. so now i'm trying to explain to them the difference between how i wake up in a lot of pain now, and it's not the same as when they were little. i point out that i *don't* wake up with bruises i don't know the origins of, that kind of thing. but... it's hard to explain the difference, because to them, it seems pretty similar.
what's funny is, they don't seem fazed by pain if they know where it's coming from. i was weirded out yesterday because i seemed to have a blister that i didn't remember, and then all the kids told me where it came from, and they didn't mind that at all.
and the nightmares... if all they remember is "nightmares," how can i explain that the things that happened when they were little weren't the same? that *those* things actually were happening, but the terrors they have *now* of nightmares are memories, and not actual "monsters."
but at least now i have more of a sense of why they are so nervous.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
i can't believe myself
so i heard about this website called "kitten wars."
originally i thought i'd check it out because, hey, kittens and wars. how could it be wrong?
but what is it? it's a cuteness popularity contest. you are presented with the pictures of two kittens (or cats) and then you click on the one you think is cutest. and then you get another pair, and another, and another... soon, minutes have passed by. this isn't even educational, like free rice dot com.
and just in case that's not enough cuteness and kittens for you, there's cats in sinks dot com. because you needed to look at more kittens.
i don't know why this appeals to me. i find lolcats and i can has cheezburger rather annoying.
so who knows. but if you like kittens or cuteness, you might want to check it out.
