sometimes i feel like a fraud

not about the DID. that, clearly, is really going on.

but... here's the thing. i have been working on pages for coping in crazyville. and i try to write things that are useful, helpful, optimistic there. i do the same a lot of the time when i post to a mind's journey.

i write things that, at some level, i know are true. i offer suggestions, support, advice.

and then i turn away from the computer, and there i am. severely depressed, or hurting. unable to find my way out of my own problems.

who am i to be talking about possibilities for change, ways of coping with feeling suicidal? it's not like i routinely get through days without feeling bad, it's not like i don't have times when the only way to cope seems to be that i just need to be dead.

and yet, when i'm able to read that information myself, it helps me, too. so i know it's good information. when i'm able to follow it, it does work.

but i feel like a fraud. it's like i'm saying things, but just faking it. i do kind of realize that it's not faking... that's part of having DID, i guess. that i will watch what other parts are doing, and it doesn't feel real for me. i mean, there are parts who really do genuinely seem to enjoy life.

sometimes i feel like maybe i should just hide, never make anyone have to deal with me. what is good about *me*? all i bring to this equation is a lot of pain and upset, anger, unhappiness. and it feels disingenuous when i am here, watching my body write these other things, these things that are focused on being more proactive. i don't feel proactive. i am not able to follow the advice i see *someone* in my body handing out.

and if i can't follow it, then why do i bother putting it online at all?

yesterday, someone wrote a page about the difference between help and rescue. but at the same time, there i was, just wanting someone to solve my problems. there are pages on the website about how it's important to choose life, and how other concerns don't matter as much when it comes down to a choice between those and being alive. but here i am... i get to a point where i can't cope, and it really does seem like the best choice is to just be dead, because i can't see any other way out.

so i feel like a fraud, offering the advice i don't really believe.

(um, i really don't want the sympathetic "everyone deserves to be alive, you're not a fraud" kind of comments, please. or the kind that say "you are SUCH a fraud, you're a horrible person, etc." for that matter. not sure what kind of comments i *do* want, but i know it's neither of those.)

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Dinner collective

or, some thoughts on creating community

W and I recently joined with her sister and a couple of our friends, making a "dinner collective." For us, this means that once a week (or less often, depending on schedules) everyone in the group cooks a meal that will serve five or six people. Then we pack it into leftover containers, meet up, share a meal with each other, and exchange the containers. For the effort of cooking one meal, we get to have five *different* meals. Plus, we have a low-cost, relaxed social gathering with friends.

I originally had one of these ten years ago, when I lived in Portland. I got the idea from Everyday Acts and Small Subversions, by Anndee Hochman. She described several dinner collectives or co-ops, and the idea struck a chord for me. Why couldn't I get some friends together and do something similar? While the idea of meeting with friends every night seemed appealing, it wasn't a practical option for us. So we settled on a weekly meeting, with containers of food to take home. It saved us a bit of money and a lot of time. I tried to start other dinner collectives later, but couldn't quite get them off the ground, because people were dubious about the concept.

So I'm glad to have one now, and the other members are equally glad. We find that it's much more exciting to cook if we know someone else is going to be eating the food as well. And since we're more excited, we try more ambitious recipes, which makes the food more appealing, which keeps us from walking to the nearest take-out joint rather than facing the drudgery of yet another meal cooked at home.

Even though we eat apart, there is still a social aspect to the meal collective. We think of each other as we're eating, or at least I think of the others.

I have been working to regain a sense I used to have, that it is possible to imagine my life as I would like it to be, and then find a path that will take me there. I can remember how I used to be able to leap from a vision of what I wanted into the implementation of that vision. And this experience with the dinner collective is reminding me that what it takes is making small steps.

So I'm also thinking about the other things I want in my life. What is it that I've been missing? How can I begin to find those things again? And how can I show other people that it's possible to re-shape our lives into a form that is more satisfying?

P.S. If you click on "preview this book" in the link at the top, you can browse the different sections. The chapter I'm talking about is here.

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dance party in my head!

this post is mostly to see whether it actually works to "share" music from rhapsody.

one of the things we've found in my system is that some tasks (say, washing dishes or making dinner) go more easily when we take that time to have an internal dance party. i'll listen to music, either on the stereo or in my headphones, and whoever wants to can hang out dancing. the little kids especially like this. it's also been a way to get in touch with the baby, because usually someone will go find her and bring her to the dance party. not sure how she experiences it, but they usually make a point of including her.

so here are today's tracks from the dance party in my head:

Here's a link. Not sure how it works--I'm guessing you have to have an account, and they say free accounts still let you listen to 25 tracks a month without paying.

And here is the list of tracks:
1. sing, Shout, Dance - Kingdom Heirs
2. I Love To Laugh - Sweet Honey in the Rock
3. Philadelphia Chickens - The Bacon Brothers - Sandra Boynton
4. Hush-A-Bye Hard Times - Dolly Parton
5. Still Gotta Get Up In The Morning - Sweet Honey in the Rock
6. Magellan - Broadside Electric
7. Rock-A-My Soul - Acappella
8. Busy Busy Busy - Kevin Kline - Sandra Boynton
9. Do What the Spirit Say Do - Sweet Honey in the Rock
10. Be Like A Duck - Keith Boynton - Sandra Boynton
11. Still The Same Me - Sweet Honey in the Rock

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The Easter bunny

Yesterday in the morning time the little kids here were super disapointed cause the Easter bunny did not come and leave us a basket. but Ellis said if we did not SAY we wanted a basket then we would not get one, and she did not know we wanted a basket so she did not tell W we wanted a basket. so we were disapointed.

We did not say about wanting a basket because we thought probly the Easter bunny would KNOW we wanted a basket and then we would get a basket that way cause the Easter bunny is MAGIC and a magic thing knows when someone is a little kid inside and will need a special thing like an Easter basket. But maby it is diffrent if you live in a stupid grown up body.

But then!! O!! What a suprise! We went to W's sister's house and she had a present just for US! Gess what?!? It was just like an Easter basket only she did not mean it to be like that, it just was. That is how we know the Easter bunny helped cause W's sister maby would have given us the present a diffrent day or she would not have the present.

She gave it to us just cause she is a nice person and she likes to give pepul presents all the time cause she likes pepul to be happy. She is a very nice persun.

What the present was is three very big BEE YOU TEE FUL cookies. They are decorated with sparkly stuff. They are a lion, a monkey and an elefunt. They are soooo beautiful. O! we love them very much! Probly we will eat them soon cause that is what you do with cookies. But first we will be happy to have these beautiful cookies. They came in a fancy bag with ribbons and paper grass. That is also how we know it is an Easter bunny thing.

O! It was so nice for her to give those to us! You do not have to give us a present to be nice to us, but when we get a present it makes us soooooooooo happy!

Thank you so much!

PS-We cwaperated on this post caues we all wanted to write. We are getting GOOD at cwaperating!

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let me know what you think

i(we) have been working a lot this week on figuring out how to write (or, in the end, how to modify) themes on wordpress, so we can organize our website through that, which will mean that even those of us who can't write html can still put up pages. plus, it will be easier to keep links and the overall theme of the site updated, all from one place.

anyhow, we finally got it to the point where we're willing to show people who aren't w, so if you want to let me know your opinion, you can go to coping in crazyville and take a look around. the site is very much still in progress, but i'm pretty proud of having managed to put together as much as i have. (also: if you use a browser other than Firefox, Explorer, or Netscape, can you let me know if it's not working? thanks.)

there are other things i could be writing about, and i might get some of those up later this weekend. but right now, that's what i have to say.


**update**
if you have the time, and feel like doing so, we (ie, us in jigsaw analogy) would also appreciate feedback on the content. it's one thing to have the pages in theory, but it would be nice to know whether anyone else likes them!

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unconditional love

ok. before i begin this post, i want to clearly say... generally, i am in favor of unfettered free speech (except spam--i DESPISE spam, and delete it). however. with this post, i'd like to request that people not leave any comments that are just to say things like "oh, poor you for having that experience" or anything like that. sometimes, sympathy is something i can't handle. if you feel you must, go ahead. but please don't feel obligated to say something, ok? thanks.

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I wish you hope, that keeps you looking toward tomorrow
and away from yesterday.
I wish you faith, in yourself and all humanity
and the belief that we will finally live as one.
I wish you joy, I wish you peace,
I wish you more than you will need.
I wish you unconditional love.

~~from Unconditional Love, by The Four Bitchin' Babes.

i started thinking about this post because of a conversation i had with w last night. even at the time, i knew i was asking kind of unfair questions. the kind of questions where, even though i wanted her to tell the truth, there was really only one truth that wasn't going to upset me.

you see, i asked her if, had she known how our lives would unfold, would she have chosen to be in a relationship with me. and she couldn't give me an unqualified yes. some of that is just w--she *thinks* too much about these questions, or she doesn't hear the question behind the one i ask. and i ask those questions, because i know she will give the automatic answer if i ask "do you love me? do you REALLY love me? do you love me unconditionally?" and i don't trust the automatic answer to be true. so i ask questions that have less automatic answers.

in my life, my experience of love has not been unconditional. growing up, i was taught that the path to being loved was fraught with danger. and to a child, or at least, to me as a child, love was the source of things like a reliable place to live, food, clothing, shelter. and, oh yeah, that emotional nurturing that is supposed to be so important.

but my experience of love was that it could be easily taken away. if i could not discern what the adults around me wanted, they would stop loving me. if i could not be good enough, or if i asked for things they were unwilling or unable to give, the love would be taken away. depending on the adult in question, that could mean that they would abuse me physically or emotionally, or it would mean that they just stopped noticing me.

and yet, in many ways, being noticed in a way i was told was loving could be equally dangerous. because sometimes, being noticed meant getting something perhaps intended as "positive" attention from people who really didn't consistently understand what it meant to be nurturing to a child, and how just because you're touching someone doesn't mean you're touching them... there. or in that way.

so i was not an especially cuddly child, to say the least. which also led to punishment, because if i couldn't accept nurturing love, the occasionally appropriate kind, the adults in my life would get furious. why was i rejecting them? why was i saying, with my body language, that i didn't appreciate their love? because that's what goes through the mind of a six month old, or a three year old, or even a ten year old. and because, clearly, being furious and raging is going to teach that child to accept nurturing when it's available.

there were adults in my life, people in my life who were not violent, who were not abusive in any way. but for my first five years, i didn't have any extended experience of that. so by the time i got to school, i understood the positive attention i got from teachers as being based entirely on my ability to be good--to learn quickly, to not ask for any extra effort, to help where it was needed without getting in the way. and let me tell you, it was much easier to follow the explicitly stated rules of school than it was to follow the invisible twisting path at home.

but here's the thing. you know how they say in trainings for people working with kids, that kids will seek out negative attention if they aren't able to get positive attention? that may be true for some kids. not so much for me. i didn't fully trust positive attention anyways, since i never could understand when positive attention was going to be safe. so i certainly avoided negative attention, and was fairly undemanding of other attention. if it seemed freely offered, i would take it. but i certainly didn't seek it out.

i learned not even to rely on family members who weren't abusive, because for whatever reasons, they tended to... well, to be unreliable. my father is a big example of this. i didn't meet him until i was eight. then, for the next 2 1/2 years, we wrote to each other, and i spent some vacations with him. and then he stopped writing, stopped having me to visit. he never really said why. he just stopped. for a lot of reasons, that just reinforced the message that there was something wrong with me, something that kept people from being able to care about me, to love me, to give me attention in ways that were safe.

yes, i had teachers. and i am grateful for them. but for the most part, teachers were something transitory. built into the relationship was that it was time-limited. it was a teacher's *job* to teach, and the would do it no matter how you behaved. when a teacher was kind, it still fell into my vision of what they were supposed to do.

looking back, with all the various times i can remember teachers going out of their way for me, it occurs to me that they actually cared about me, as a person, separate from what they were "required" to do. but it never once occurred to me, growing up, that a teacher would want to see me when they weren't being paid to do so. it never occurred to me to go back to see a teacher after i was no longer taking classes with them. because my baseline experience was that people only spent time with me when they felt they had to, that people only allowed me to be around so long as it benefitted them.

growing up, i somehow picked up the message that one's family is supposed to love a person unconditionally. and since it was pretty clear to me that my family did *not* love me unconditionally, i took away the lesson lots of kids in that situation do: that there was something about *me* that caused me to be less lovable. that this wasn't the fault of the people who were unable to love me, but something about me, as a person.

at some point in high school or college, i found out that my mother had had an abortion. (disclaimer: don't get me wrong. even with this particular experience, i am 100% pro-choice. people have every right in the world to determine for themselves what happens when they are pregnant.)

the thing is, my mother's story about how she had decided to have the abortion reinforced some really negative lessons i had already learned.

when i was a few months old, she divorced my father. and then she found out she was pregnant. i assume there were a lot of reasons she would have decided to have an abortion. i mean, being a single parent with three kids already, and not much money, having an abortion or giving the child up for adoption, would probably have been a good idea. had she decided to do this because she didn't think she could be a good parent, while it might have been kind of sad, i could see her point.

but the thing is, the reason she told me she had the abortion was because she was concerned the baby would be dark-skinned. my father is black, my mother (and the rest of my family) are white. she didn't feel she could go back and not have *me*, but the subtext as it came across to me was, "had i known what would happen, i wouldn't have chosen to have a biracial child."

i know there are parts who have often understood that the "wrong, unlovable" thing about me is the color of my skin. too "white" for my black father to want to have anything to do with me (or for the black kids in middle school not to beat me up for it); too "black" for my white (and rather racist) family to fully accept me. they coped with me by insisting i wasn't "really" black, but at the same time, my skin color came up pretty often. the conditions i understood for being loved required that i deny basic parts of who i am; and also that i not cause trouble, that i be hyper-good, simply because i was only loved on sufferance, and should i ever be difficult, i would be dangerously rejected.

and knowing that there had been the possibility that i would have had a sibling, someone who would have been my full-blooded sibling, who would have looked more like me, who would have been close to me in age... how much of the pain and loneliness and isolation i experienced growing up, how much of that might have been alleviated if my mother had chosen to carry the pregnancy to term, and have the child? at the same time, knowing what i know now... would i choose to subject someone else to what i grew up with? no. so i'm not going to say my mother shouldn't have had the abortion, because i can't see that it would have benefitted whichever soul eventually came to reside in that collection of cells.


okay, so where was i going with this post? oh, right.

so knowing all of this, knowing all of my experience of rejection, i was talking to w about my difficulty with trusting her. and i said, "it's really unfair to you, the fact that it's so hard for me to trust. because no matter how trustworthy you are, the hurdle you've got to get over to achieve my trust is set immensely high."

and w gave me the strangest look.

"unfair for me?" she asked.

because, ok, sure, it's kind of difficult for me, too. but i guess i'm used to it. i'm used to not being able to trust that anyone will love me unconditionally. but w isn't. she has mostly known people who were able to give and receive unconditional love. and here she is, in a long-term relationship, kind of stuck with someone who is always braced for rejection.

so yeah, to me, it seems harder on her. because she isn't doing anything wrong. because she isn't the one who hurt me. and yet, she's the one who gets the fallout from all of the pain i grew up with. and i'm less able to be a good partner to her because of that. we won't even get into the fact that she thought she was getting into a relationship with an adult, and seems instead to have gotten stuck with this whole mess of teenagers and little kids, and the adults have now been gone for seven months, with no idea of when they will return. so to me, it seems like the one getting the really unfair part is w. (yeah, i know. it's something i'll discuss in therapy.)

i do wish for hope, and for the ability to look towards the future rather than the past. but sometimes, the past gets in the way, and makes it awfully hard to build up the faith that unconditional love is even a possibility.

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religion

i keep starting this post and erasing it and starting it over. i guess the problem is that there are several things i want to blog about, and i can't get them in order. or maybe there is more than one part trying to get something said? that might be why i'm thinking four or five separate things at the same time.

so what's the point of this post about religion? i guess to just write about some of what's going on for me right now.

first, there's the whole RA thing. i am relatively certain i didn't experience ritual abuse. but this is a hard time for people who did, and there's this... backlash, i guess. where i feel guilty talking about the things i enjoy about this season, because i know that some of it is really triggering to other people.

so i get mad--that there are these jerks in the world who do what they can to pervert and ruin holidays for little kids. i mean, what the hell? (um, sorry, i'll address that later....)

and the thing is, spiritually, i'm most comfortable as a pagan. and here we are, with the spring equinox falling on a full moon. this should be a happy, positive thing. i should be able to feel free to talk about rebirth and all of that. i should be able to feel comfortable with writing about my pagan experiences.

but because of those a$$holes who do things and abuse kids on a seasonal calendar, i feel like i need to be super-careful talking about pagan holidays, because even more so than the christian ones, the pagan ones got taken over by those jerks who are using them for really evil purposes. this is more of an issue for me around samhain/halloween/pagan new year. and even MORE so around winter solstice/christmas/yule. i'm generally more casual about the spring holidays (well, more on that later, too). but there's the whole ritual abuse thing, and i really don't want to go around doing the equivalent of kicking people where they're already bruised, so i don't write about it.

so there's that part.

and then there's where i am, religiously. i was raised christian. i was raised christian in the kinds of churches that just weren't really... uplifting. the kind where your experience of christianity is a whole lot of judging and shaming and all of that. the kind of churches that justify what i can now recognize as child abuse, but which they insisted was just parents trying to raise "godly" children. the kind of churches that say to stay in an abusive marriage because it's god's will, and the woman's duty to behave in a way that will "save" her husband, rather than to cut her losses and protect herself and her kids.

the kind of churches that discourage people from doing anything "worldly" like reading books the church hasn't approved, or listening to music the church hasn't approved, or really, doing anything that gives evidence of really enjoying the world, or thinking outside of the incredibly narrow little box the church defines for them. i don't just mean "don't drink, smoke, or chew, or run with those who do." i'm talking about "christian rock is evil because it's too worldly. you should only listen to music *we* say is ok." and "don't read anything ungodly, like (i kid you not!) c.s. lewis, madeleine l'engle, susan cooper, or, heaven FORBID, j.r.r. tolkien." (for those who haven't read them, these are all deeply christian writers of pretty darned christian fantasy novels.) i mean, seriously, my churches when i was growing up thought these books would lead us into sin.

the kind of churches where they spend weeks in sunday school teaching little eight year olds about the book of revelations, and how good christians will have to suffer and starve because they won't be raptured until after the tribulation, but they won't be able to buy food or anything because to do that you'll have to get the mark of the beast, so you and your family will starve to death and not be able to have anything, and go through a whole lot of terror and suffering, just to prove you're worthy of god's love.

now, don't get me wrong. it's not that the people were evil or bad. i totally get that they thought they were doing the right thing. i mean, if you really believe all of that, and you honestly believe that there is only one way to get to heaven, and it involves a lot of pain and suffering, then maybe you are doing the right thing, by your beliefs, if you push other people to follow impossible rules. i don't know. i guess if i believed that the only way to be saved was to go through pain and misery, and i wanted my children saved, maybe i would do that too. i just don't know. because i can't bring myself to believe in a god who aims for all of the "true believers" to be in pain and suffering. i mean, what would be the point?

but anyhow. what it ends with is that, even though i know there are a lot of devout christians in the world who don't have that worldview, it's hard for me to hear people doing a lot of talking about christianity without all of this being triggered. and so i just kind of shy away from the god-talk, because i feel like my own religion isn't gonna be accepted. (i describe myself religiously as culturally christian, spiritually pagan. and that gets thrown off because in terms of actual practice and religious observance, i'm closer to jewish, because i do that with my partner.)

and because all the god-talk is just triggering to me. but i feel guilty about not reading blogs, because i just can't cope. and i feel alienated from some forums, because even when they call it "spirituality" (or even on totally unrelated threads) lately, it seems like it just turns into this whole christianity thing.

i keep losing track of where i was going. i suppose i could've made an outline and stuff, but i'm just not feeling it.

right. the whole being triggered by christianity thing. i mean, i know that people aren't meaning to be triggering. but there's a level where i feel like... why is it ok to be spouting all of this stuff that is really immensely triggering to me, that brings up all of that guilt and shame and fear and pain.... but i can't even say a little bit about my *own* positive religious experience, because it's too close to things that people are triggered by?

i know i can't be the only person who was abused in a fundamentalist christian context. i can't be the only person who was scarred by the people who did all the god-talk, and were always doing something that i've considered the true meaning of "taking the lord's name in vain" where they bring god into discussions of things that are totally unrelated (like, "i got this toilet paper at 75% off, praise be to god!" ok, that's a *slight* exaggeration. but only slight.)

and i can't explain how it is that *some* people talk about god, and it's not triggering, and other people do, and i want to run out of the room and start screaming.

and then it's even weirder, cause it's not like a bunch of us in this system find nothing of value in christianity.

i mean, i guess religion is like sex. no, really. there are some parts who need to avoid it totally, and there are some parts that have learned it can be a healthy thing, done in a caring and respectful way. and there isn't any one true way.

maybe that's it... some of the people who have been bugging me write in a way that reminds me of the christians who insisted there was one true way (theirs) and no one else was going to get to heaven, and actually, anyone who didn't do it their way was basically either uninformed, or a deliberate sinner.

i really hate the whole attitude of "one true way" pretty much anywhere it shows up. because, honestly, there ISN'T one true way. there are different ways that work for different people, and there's nothing that says any one of them is better than the others.

ok. not sure what my point was, or anything like that, but that's some of what i wanted to write about.

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I hate the subway. I hate the subway. I hate the people who jam onto it with no regard to personal space and i REALLY HATE the people who put on their make up on the train. I hate everything sometimes.

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AAARRRGGGHHH!!

so today, i sat down with the mail, meaning to just make sure that the letters with the "explanation of benefits" from our health insurance we all correct. and lo and behold...

nope. they were trying to deny the claim for mental health benefits for me, saying i had exceeded my maximum. given that my maximum is "unlimited," i think that this was wrong.

so i called the number on the letter, and proceeded to spend twenty minutes trying to get to an actual person who could explain what went wrong with the coverage, and what to do to correct the problem (since we're talking about ~$1000 worth of therapy from last year, plus however much it would come to for *this* year, it's an important problem to correct!) the first two times i made it to an actual live person, they said they weren't the ones to answer my question, and then i wound up getting bounced back to the very first part of the voicemail system. i hate voicemail.

anyhow. the thing is, before i started going to therapy as often as i have been, my therapist and i both called to make sure that DID is covered under mental health parity in new york. and the people my therapist talked to assured her that it was. and the first time this bill got sent back unpaid, she called again, and they assured her again that it was covered. so we're working under the belief that... you know, it's covered.

after spending so long trying to get to a person, and dealing with people who spent several minutes taking my information, and then telling me they weren't the ones to answer the question, i couldn't help but think, "boy, it's a good thing for them that the hospital people who diagnosed me as borderline weren't right, because if i were borderline, i would SO be screaming at someone by now."


**update**

brought this up with my therapist today, and she had already talked to them, and they *insist* that they've corrected whatever, and she should get a check in the mail. we'll see. i just hope they finally get around to paying her. and i'm grateful she's willing to put up with the stupidity of insurance companies, because she's a good therapist, and i couldn't afford therapy if she weren't on insurance. and certainly not the amount of therapy i've been getting!

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a silly comic strip

today's For Better or For Worse comic strip reminded me of the way that they say "everybody has different parts." plus it was really cute.

for those who don't read it, it was just an adult spending a bit of time with a kid, acting like a kid. and the kid enjoying it.

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trust

so the new couples' therapist w and i are seeing who (knock wood!) appears to be working out for us, has talked about trust several times.

and i was thinking about this. she asked whether i trust w, and i can honestly say i trust w more than i trust anyone else in the world. and that's a collective answer. we all trust her more than we trust anyone else.

which isn't precisely to say we *trust* her, just that we trust her *more*. the therapist (e, we'll call her) asked me to rate it on a scale of one to ten, so i'd say, overall with w, it's about a four. although probably it's a bit higher, but i was doing an average, you know. so maybe a five.

but then, i'm never quite sure what people mean when they ask me about trust. i mean, i trust pretty much anyone i interact with routinely not to be physically abusive. more or less, at least. there are parts who don't feel that trust, but they're also the parts who aren't entirely certain that anything actually exists. so i'd say, of us who are out often enough to have a sense of reality, we trust the people we interact with routinely not to be physically abusive.

i trust that when i buy canned food, the contents of the can will be what is marked on the outside. i trust that when i use my debit card, they will only take out the amount of money they are supposed to. i trust coffee shops and restaurants to give me food that isn't poisoned. i trust people driving cars to have some basic awareness of following traffic laws.

so where is it that i'm not trusting people? i have trouble trusting that they will remember i exist when i'm not right there with them. i have trouble trusting that people will follow through on things they've said they would do for me. i have trouble trusting that i will be able to depend on anyone outside of myself.

i'm able to trust people *not* to do things pretty easily. i trust people in my life not to go calling my family and letting them know about the things i've told about. i trust people not to tell me that i'm lying. mostly, on that last one, because there is still a lot of fear around people not believing me. but mostly, i trust that people will believe me.

i trust most people not to go out of their way to hurt me.

but at the same time, i really *don't* trust most people (or any people) to go out of their way to help me, or even, to go out of their way for me at all. and i guess that's where the lack of trust comes in. i find it really difficult to believe that people will make much of an effort, or respond well if i ask that from them. and i don't have much faith that people will continue to want to be friends with me, or whatever, if i ask for too much. and since i don't know where the line is, what "too much" is, i try not to ask for anything that hasn't been expressly offered, and try to avoid asking for too much of that, either.

and i guess there are parts who don't feel safe allowing emotional vulnerability to show, so probably, it's either just a long-ingrained habit, or we don't really trust people to be safe with emotional vulnerability. i guess we don't really trust that people aren't going to be critical of us, and reinforce the negative messages that run in my/our head: that i'm just lazy and selfish and not trying hard enough or working hard enough or that i'm making all of this up. a little bit, we're starting to trust a few people, and it's not like we've had too many negative experiences like that for a while (well, there was the hospital and right after, but that was so *clearly* messed up....)

maybe it's that it doesn't feel safe to allow myself to rely on anyone else. much as i and a lot of other parts are desperate for help, it doesn't seem safe to believe that someone else will be willing to be there to help us cope. and so we close off and withdraw, because sometimes, coping is the only thing we can do, and figuring out how to cope and also be with people becomes impossible. i don't know. and i *do* know someone else has been waiting to do something else, and i've held on for a while, but i guess i need to be done now.

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Spiderwick Chronicles

We went to see the spiderwick movie today. it was a VERY good movie! it was a littel scary but that was ok caues we made a plan the plan was soemone will say "this is a movie and they will all be ok at the end of the movie" when we got scard. that way it was ECKSITING to watch that movie like a roller coster caues we new it wood be ok at the end!!

One thing good about this movie was it was about CWAPERASHUN. that means the pepul had to work together to make it be ok. one other thing good was it was about how you hafta fight the monsters insted of hide from the monsters caues if you hide from the monsters then you will just be scard but if you fight them then it is scary for a littel bit but then it is all better and the monsters are GONE.

That is a lessun we will try to remember. we will talk to the nonnys more about that caues rite now they are bein monster gards that is they are keeping the monsters away by being gards and they do not get to have fun and they are only scard all the tiem caues they are afraid of the monsters.

Monsters are scary but when you fite back then they do not win. only the pepul who are very brave will win.

In that movie every one had a job they did. well the gron up their mom her job was on a computer in a diffrunt place. but the kids all had a job and they had to cwaperate to make it work ok. and even if their job is diffrunt from the other job it is ok caues they all did a good job.

There were some parts funny and some parts scary and some parts sad in that movie. I will not say about everything caues then it will be a SUPRISE when YOU go and see the movie.

We saw that movie caues W told ellis and jamie their job for today was to see a movie! that was a suprise to! we chos that movie caues W every singel time she wants to read the book first befor she sees a movie, so if we waited for her then we wood not SEE the movie except on a tv. so we picked a movie that is better when you can see it big, and the other movies we can see on a tv.

That movie gave me an idea for a plan with the nonnys. this is my plan. we will make a plan to go and FITE thos monsters!!! insted of being gards or stuff we will FITE them and then they will be DED and they will not bother us any more! we will hafta cwaperate and work together soemone says cwaperate means work together so i do not hafta say it 2 tiems but it is ok I will do it my way caues this is my turn to rite. i will rite the way i want to!

So we will go FITE them together and then they will not bother us. we will make some things for proteckshun and they will make us be safe and then we will throw things at the monsters liek in the movie and the big ones who can use a sord they will do that and maby we will do other things and then the monsters will go away and not bother us and the nonnys will not hafta be monster gards any more and they can let us have fun and be happy and stuff. that is my plan!

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what are we to each other?

the title is referring to me (collective-me, and more specifically, the parts who have been around since august, which is to say, not the adults) and w.

it's something we've (by we i mean collective-me and w) been trying to figure out. it's one of the reasons we've been seeing couples' therapists. the plural in that is because the first two we saw didn't work out well. we'll see how the third one goes.

anyhow, i figured i might as well make a post about it, trying to figure it out.

if there were just one of me, and if it were one of the adult parts, or even if the adult parts were more present, the answer would be easy. the adults and w are partners. they have a romantic and sexual relationship that turned into a committed partnership. if it were just them, the answer would be easy. i don't know if the relationship would be easy, because from what i've observed, all relationships require a great deal of work, even in the absence of other issues.

but here's the thing. we younger parts definitely don't have a romantic or sexual relationship with w. for several months now, we've been sleeping in different rooms. (and let me tell you, that has made a huge improvement in our relationship, whatever it may be, because it reduced the degree to which we younger parts were getting triggered by being in a relationship with her!).

so we're not partners in the sense that most people would use that term, because it's not really a spouse-like relationship.

but it's not like we're strangers. w is the person i trust more than anyone else. it doesn't mean i trust her a LOT, it just means that i trust her more than anyone else. and i think that's true for pretty much everyone in the system.

when i was thinking about this earlier tonight, someone piped up that w is definitely *family*. which is true; family in the chosen sense, anyways. someone who is going to be there for me. someone who is an important part of my life. someone with whom i share a lot of history, with whom i live.

but it's still hard to work out our roles in this relationship.

i guess what i'm "supposed" to do is have the adults be the ones who are out more often, having a relationship with her, and the rest of us are supposed to... what? i don't know. i read the treatment guidelines for DID, and it seems to imply that it would be unhealthy for us to have a relationship with her separate from the adults in the system, that having w be anything other than the system's (the adults in the system's) partner is somehow unhealthy.

but that doesn't work. because the rest of us are inconveniently here. and we live with her and interact with her. she supports us financially. she supports us emotionally, and we try to do the same for her.

one thing that's been getting clearer to me is that i just don't quite understand how to be in an adult relationship. the adults seem to know this, but they have been blocked from coming out for six months now. and even though i (ellis, by the way) can do a lot of things the adults do, i really don't get how to be in an adult relationship. mature though i can act, developmentally, i'm only 15.

so it comes back to the question: what are we to each other? w isn't my partner, or the partner of any of us who have been around. she's not some random stranger. she's not really like a friend, although we are friends, kind of. the relationship is closer than that, and more... fraught with complications, i guess.

w has described it (and particularly these past few months) as being like what would happen if her partner all of a sudden had these kids she hadn't mentioned having before, and they all showed up on our doorstep, and moved in. and then her partner went away, leaving her with just the kids.

actually, that's kind of apt. although, looking back, w might have suspected something given that we were out buying toys on our second date!

but then, what is the relationship? i guess a lot of us inside here do kind of interact with her as though she were a stepparent. i mean, sometimes being friendly, sometimes being resentful, having this relationship that we can't quite understand or define, but knowing it exists.

i feel guilty that the adults haven't been around. not that i can figure out how to convince the others to let them back. they were getting close to doing that, and then all of these new parts started showing up, and things got really chaotic again. i feel guilty that i can't be her partner. and i feel guilty that i feel guilty for that, and i also understand that my guilt over that is tied to the degree to which i was expected to be my mother's partner when i was actually fifteen, and the anger and resentment i feel around that is about being triggered... but i do feel genuinely sorry that i can't just be the adult partner w needs. of course, in a lot of ways, what my mother wanted wasn't precisely an adult partner, which is probably why i was able to do the job back then. w seems to want more equality, and some indefinable (to me) adult-ness that the adults have, and that i just don't get.

anyhow, no great insight, but it's something i've really been thinking about. because maybe it would be easier to sort things out, if we could figure out what the relationship is in the first place.

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life

i would've added the follow up to that, except i'm not as depressed as marvin the paranoid android.

one thing that's slightly annoying is that i've had something i wanted to discuss with my therapist for the last couple of sessions, but when i (as in, the body i live in and share with a bunch of others) go into therapy, things are so switchy that the last several sessions, i haven't really gotten to have much of a chance to talk with my therapist about the things on *my* mind.

i suppose i could write her a note, but i guess i'm still at a point of feeling like i need to not be asking too much, and so writing a note still feels like asking too much of her time. i mean, the woman already gives me not only three sessions' worth of time every week, but we pretty consistently go over the time we're supposed to spend together, so there's the extra five or ten or fifteen minutes at the end of the sessions.

the main thing i'm worried about is this: i don't seem to be making much progress. i'm not sure what progress would look like, or what mileposts i'm aiming for (or inchposts, as the case may be). but it really feels like i'm not much further along than i was a year ago, or two years ago. well, ok, so the parts who were really suicidal seem to be better able to tolerate distress, and haven't gone into being actively suicidal for, oh, about two months now. being optimistic, i could say this is because they're feeling more able to work through their stuff. being less optimistic, i'd say it's only been two months since the last bad time, and nothing really upsetting has happened in our external world in the intervening time.

but back to optimism, i haven't even really noticed the kind of reflexive suicidal thoughts, like when something is difficult in life, and no one inside can think of a way to solve the problem, there always used to be the thought popping up of "there's one way to stop having to cope." and i don't think that's been there as much. i know grace has been feeling a little adrift, trying to figure out how the heck to cope, if that isn't the option.

but really.... two years of working on this stuff, putting my entire focus on it, and the best i've gotten is a reduction in suicidal ideation?

and it seems so selfish to have traded the reduction in suicidal ideation for my day-to-day coping skills. i can't manage a job. i can barely manage keeping the house even a little bit together. well, i did clean up two or three hairballs today. but i'm not being a very good housewife. i'm not working on my dissertation. i'm not working at a job. on a good day, i can manage to go to the grocery store without having a full-blown panic attack.

it feels lazy. it feels like i'm not working hard enough. it feels like there is something i should be doing, and i'm not doing it.

but since i know i'm working hard, and w and my therapist *say* i'm working hard... then there's something that isn't working. because this much effort, and all i get is a reduction in my inclination (or other parts' inclination) to start making plans about how to be dead?

sorry, that doesn't quite seem like a balanced trade-off. especially since i'm not convinced those feelings won't return if i force myself to cope with more than i'm coping with. especially since the last time i tried that, two months ago, it triggered a bout of serious suicidal feelings.

it's not that i want to risk doing something that will wind up with me being hurt or hospitalized. i just want to feel like i'm making some concrete progress.

and i'd like to get the chance to talk with my therapist about what our treatment goals are, and what i can be doing in order to reach those. but then there's the voice in my head that says i'm just looking for someone to rescue me, or to do things i ought to be able to figure out on my own. it's not that i want my therapist to solve my problems, or anyone else. not exactly. i just feel like i keep doing things that aren't working, or aren't moving me to a place where i am coping more effectively, and i don't KNOW what to do differently, and i really want someone to help with that. i don't think that's the same as wanting someone to rescue me. but i'm not quite sure.

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no real title

there are a lot of things i could be writing about, or that others have been thinking about. and we've been switching so much lately that i bet one of the others will show up before i'm done, or something.

anyhow, one thing to mention here is that i have a cold. and it sucks to have a cold, but at the same time, hopefully it means the reason i've been really exhausted and run down lately is from the cold, and not from some dire exacerbation of the fibro. so as far as that goes, it's ok. the cold should be over with in a week or two (unless i got a different cold from the one going around, or unless i get lucky and get over it quickly).

another thing to mention is that i've been really switchy. like, not having any part around for more than an hour at a time, tops. lots of times, it's more minute to minute. not sure what's causing it. spent a chunk of the weekend, and parts of today, so switchy i could barely stand up. lots of vision difficulties. some of it i have been covering up, so i don't think w or others quite know the extent of it. some of it, i don't notice until something calls attention to it. i mean, if we're all doing more or less the same thing, then it's not so much of a problem. but i was trying to write something down--just a quick jotting, and realized looking at the handwriting that i switched about four times in five minutes or so of writing. so it's hard to get things taken care of because we don't always agree about what we're trying to do.

one positive from this is that i was still really switchy and spaced out when w and i went to couple's counseling today. not usually a good thing, and there was a moderate panic attack on the subway. but the positive part is, this new couple's therapist was able to handle the switchiness, and i wound up feeling more grounded afterwards, and even though i wasn't comfortable (nor, i think, were any of the others) with calling attention to the fact that i was switching all over the place... or, well, with saying who we were and when it happened... but the new therapist was still someone we felt comfortable with, and felt ok talking about things. so we'll see how that works out. i didn't feel like she was pushing at me too much, even though she was talking a lot about my issues. but she seems really careful to balance the discussion between me and w, and it feels like she takes both of us seriously. so that's good.

now i'm gonna stop writing, because someone else is about to be out, and i can barely focus my eyes.

plus, i'm not 100% sure who i am, and it feels weird to say that, but there it is. i'm not ellis or grace or jamie or rynn, or one of the adults or littles. beyond that, not sure.

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Sesame Street!

We have been watching Sesame Street. It is a good show. Not the show now with too much Elmo. We are watching the old ones they say are not good for today's children, but I am a child from the old days I guess caues these are good shows and we are watching them. They make me happy and then it is ok for some tiem caues even the ones who are scared or sad or soemthing they will watch and we can be ok for a littel bit. We got the DVD from Netflix. We will watch them some more.

That video up there is not from the DVD it is one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve. i like that movie very much. so we found it on line. it is good. that is all. bye.

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Oh my GOODNESS! Went to the atm to get cash. First two weren't working. Finally found one that was. Put in my info and then noticed there was a twenty dollar bill already in the slot. That's 2000 days of good luck!

To my credit, I did go to the person at the store, and ask whether anyone had come in saying they didn't get all the money they were supposed to, and all of that. She just kind of laughed at me, and said it was my good luck. So I guess it was.

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Just testing to see if i can post from my phone.

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still having a hard time, and a question

so things are still hard. i guess it's to be expected. or something.

therapy today... very switchy in the first part of the session. as in, i know at least three of us were out, possibly more, but not sure how many my therapist noticed (it's a kind of switching i guess happens a lot in my system--where a bunch of us are cycling through, and we're all more or less aware of what the conversation is, but no one is there for more than a few minutes at a time, so we all just kind of cover it up so things look ok). i know jamie was out for a bit, and ellis, and grace. me too... don't think i have a name? i know i'm not one of those three, and i know i'm not rynn, and i know i'm not one of the little kids. but not sure who that leaves. maybe there's a list somewhere and i can find out. i know i've been around before. i've probably said i was ellis or jamie, or even one of the adults. i don't know. just used to thinking i'm someone else, i guess.

still very switchy. my eyes keep crossing... i think that's evidence of parts coming in and out?

so there was that.

there's also the fact that a new little was out in therapy. not precisely new, except she doesn't have a name yet. but she's one of the "nonnys" we've felt (the "nonnys" are the ones who aren't giving names yet). did some water color paintings, and then talked for a while about religious stuff. that's where the question comes in.

(trigger warning for religious stuff)

anyone have experience helping a little, or an actual little kid, deal with the kind of stuff that comes out of being raised in a really fundamentalist christian church? you know, the whole if you don't follow every single rule of the church then you are going to hell, and people will tempt you down false paths and try to get you to stray and don't read anything the church doesn't approve of, and things like the chronicles of narnia are on the "bad" list because they lead people down false paths and talk about magic.

kid also has some of the experience of physical and sexual abuse, at least, i overheard one of the others saying to her that "that stuff" was bad, even if someone says it was helping her to not give in to satan because she had to learn how not to respond to temptation.

she doesn't want to listen to the rest of us, because anyone who says that the churches she went to are wrong is clearly just trying to lead her astray. going down false paths, stuff like that. giving into worldly temptation.

trying to find things that aren't forbidden by her religious beliefs. wanting toys seems to be evidence of being "worldly." tv is definitely sinning. don't have any "approved" books....

wish she were willing to listen to the rest of us, but we're clearly tainted by sin, because we think that perhaps god doesn't want little kids to suffer. not to mention things like being a lesbian, or the fact that to the extent we practice religion, it's either paganism or judaism.

so there's that going on. plus the body is having a lot of memories (by that i mean, anyone who really gets into the body starts having body memories... combo of sexual abuse, physical abuse, and being force fed, rarely all at once, but in random variations). plus a couple of older ones having memories of physical abuse, both bullying and at home. plus littler ones remembering abuse too.

just wish it would let up for a while.

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for the record

when using the internet is one of your major sources of support and soothing and calming, it's REALLY bad when your router decides for no discernible reason to stop working for hours on end. particularly since you can't find your paper manual (if there ever was one?) and need to use... yup, the internet to find out what the default password on the router is so you can reboot it.

when does mercury go *out* of retrograde?

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