religion

i keep starting this post and erasing it and starting it over. i guess the problem is that there are several things i want to blog about, and i can't get them in order. or maybe there is more than one part trying to get something said? that might be why i'm thinking four or five separate things at the same time.

so what's the point of this post about religion? i guess to just write about some of what's going on for me right now.

first, there's the whole RA thing. i am relatively certain i didn't experience ritual abuse. but this is a hard time for people who did, and there's this... backlash, i guess. where i feel guilty talking about the things i enjoy about this season, because i know that some of it is really triggering to other people.

so i get mad--that there are these jerks in the world who do what they can to pervert and ruin holidays for little kids. i mean, what the hell? (um, sorry, i'll address that later....)

and the thing is, spiritually, i'm most comfortable as a pagan. and here we are, with the spring equinox falling on a full moon. this should be a happy, positive thing. i should be able to feel free to talk about rebirth and all of that. i should be able to feel comfortable with writing about my pagan experiences.

but because of those a$$holes who do things and abuse kids on a seasonal calendar, i feel like i need to be super-careful talking about pagan holidays, because even more so than the christian ones, the pagan ones got taken over by those jerks who are using them for really evil purposes. this is more of an issue for me around samhain/halloween/pagan new year. and even MORE so around winter solstice/christmas/yule. i'm generally more casual about the spring holidays (well, more on that later, too). but there's the whole ritual abuse thing, and i really don't want to go around doing the equivalent of kicking people where they're already bruised, so i don't write about it.

so there's that part.

and then there's where i am, religiously. i was raised christian. i was raised christian in the kinds of churches that just weren't really... uplifting. the kind where your experience of christianity is a whole lot of judging and shaming and all of that. the kind of churches that justify what i can now recognize as child abuse, but which they insisted was just parents trying to raise "godly" children. the kind of churches that say to stay in an abusive marriage because it's god's will, and the woman's duty to behave in a way that will "save" her husband, rather than to cut her losses and protect herself and her kids.

the kind of churches that discourage people from doing anything "worldly" like reading books the church hasn't approved, or listening to music the church hasn't approved, or really, doing anything that gives evidence of really enjoying the world, or thinking outside of the incredibly narrow little box the church defines for them. i don't just mean "don't drink, smoke, or chew, or run with those who do." i'm talking about "christian rock is evil because it's too worldly. you should only listen to music *we* say is ok." and "don't read anything ungodly, like (i kid you not!) c.s. lewis, madeleine l'engle, susan cooper, or, heaven FORBID, j.r.r. tolkien." (for those who haven't read them, these are all deeply christian writers of pretty darned christian fantasy novels.) i mean, seriously, my churches when i was growing up thought these books would lead us into sin.

the kind of churches where they spend weeks in sunday school teaching little eight year olds about the book of revelations, and how good christians will have to suffer and starve because they won't be raptured until after the tribulation, but they won't be able to buy food or anything because to do that you'll have to get the mark of the beast, so you and your family will starve to death and not be able to have anything, and go through a whole lot of terror and suffering, just to prove you're worthy of god's love.

now, don't get me wrong. it's not that the people were evil or bad. i totally get that they thought they were doing the right thing. i mean, if you really believe all of that, and you honestly believe that there is only one way to get to heaven, and it involves a lot of pain and suffering, then maybe you are doing the right thing, by your beliefs, if you push other people to follow impossible rules. i don't know. i guess if i believed that the only way to be saved was to go through pain and misery, and i wanted my children saved, maybe i would do that too. i just don't know. because i can't bring myself to believe in a god who aims for all of the "true believers" to be in pain and suffering. i mean, what would be the point?

but anyhow. what it ends with is that, even though i know there are a lot of devout christians in the world who don't have that worldview, it's hard for me to hear people doing a lot of talking about christianity without all of this being triggered. and so i just kind of shy away from the god-talk, because i feel like my own religion isn't gonna be accepted. (i describe myself religiously as culturally christian, spiritually pagan. and that gets thrown off because in terms of actual practice and religious observance, i'm closer to jewish, because i do that with my partner.)

and because all the god-talk is just triggering to me. but i feel guilty about not reading blogs, because i just can't cope. and i feel alienated from some forums, because even when they call it "spirituality" (or even on totally unrelated threads) lately, it seems like it just turns into this whole christianity thing.

i keep losing track of where i was going. i suppose i could've made an outline and stuff, but i'm just not feeling it.

right. the whole being triggered by christianity thing. i mean, i know that people aren't meaning to be triggering. but there's a level where i feel like... why is it ok to be spouting all of this stuff that is really immensely triggering to me, that brings up all of that guilt and shame and fear and pain.... but i can't even say a little bit about my *own* positive religious experience, because it's too close to things that people are triggered by?

i know i can't be the only person who was abused in a fundamentalist christian context. i can't be the only person who was scarred by the people who did all the god-talk, and were always doing something that i've considered the true meaning of "taking the lord's name in vain" where they bring god into discussions of things that are totally unrelated (like, "i got this toilet paper at 75% off, praise be to god!" ok, that's a *slight* exaggeration. but only slight.)

and i can't explain how it is that *some* people talk about god, and it's not triggering, and other people do, and i want to run out of the room and start screaming.

and then it's even weirder, cause it's not like a bunch of us in this system find nothing of value in christianity.

i mean, i guess religion is like sex. no, really. there are some parts who need to avoid it totally, and there are some parts that have learned it can be a healthy thing, done in a caring and respectful way. and there isn't any one true way.

maybe that's it... some of the people who have been bugging me write in a way that reminds me of the christians who insisted there was one true way (theirs) and no one else was going to get to heaven, and actually, anyone who didn't do it their way was basically either uninformed, or a deliberate sinner.

i really hate the whole attitude of "one true way" pretty much anywhere it shows up. because, honestly, there ISN'T one true way. there are different ways that work for different people, and there's nothing that says any one of them is better than the others.

ok. not sure what my point was, or anything like that, but that's some of what i wanted to write about.

Read More......

I hate the subway. I hate the subway. I hate the people who jam onto it with no regard to personal space and i REALLY HATE the people who put on their make up on the train. I hate everything sometimes.

Read More......

AAARRRGGGHHH!!

so today, i sat down with the mail, meaning to just make sure that the letters with the "explanation of benefits" from our health insurance we all correct. and lo and behold...

nope. they were trying to deny the claim for mental health benefits for me, saying i had exceeded my maximum. given that my maximum is "unlimited," i think that this was wrong.

so i called the number on the letter, and proceeded to spend twenty minutes trying to get to an actual person who could explain what went wrong with the coverage, and what to do to correct the problem (since we're talking about ~$1000 worth of therapy from last year, plus however much it would come to for *this* year, it's an important problem to correct!) the first two times i made it to an actual live person, they said they weren't the ones to answer my question, and then i wound up getting bounced back to the very first part of the voicemail system. i hate voicemail.

anyhow. the thing is, before i started going to therapy as often as i have been, my therapist and i both called to make sure that DID is covered under mental health parity in new york. and the people my therapist talked to assured her that it was. and the first time this bill got sent back unpaid, she called again, and they assured her again that it was covered. so we're working under the belief that... you know, it's covered.

after spending so long trying to get to a person, and dealing with people who spent several minutes taking my information, and then telling me they weren't the ones to answer the question, i couldn't help but think, "boy, it's a good thing for them that the hospital people who diagnosed me as borderline weren't right, because if i were borderline, i would SO be screaming at someone by now."


**update**

brought this up with my therapist today, and she had already talked to them, and they *insist* that they've corrected whatever, and she should get a check in the mail. we'll see. i just hope they finally get around to paying her. and i'm grateful she's willing to put up with the stupidity of insurance companies, because she's a good therapist, and i couldn't afford therapy if she weren't on insurance. and certainly not the amount of therapy i've been getting!

Read More......

a silly comic strip

today's For Better or For Worse comic strip reminded me of the way that they say "everybody has different parts." plus it was really cute.

for those who don't read it, it was just an adult spending a bit of time with a kid, acting like a kid. and the kid enjoying it.

Read More......

trust

so the new couples' therapist w and i are seeing who (knock wood!) appears to be working out for us, has talked about trust several times.

and i was thinking about this. she asked whether i trust w, and i can honestly say i trust w more than i trust anyone else in the world. and that's a collective answer. we all trust her more than we trust anyone else.

which isn't precisely to say we *trust* her, just that we trust her *more*. the therapist (e, we'll call her) asked me to rate it on a scale of one to ten, so i'd say, overall with w, it's about a four. although probably it's a bit higher, but i was doing an average, you know. so maybe a five.

but then, i'm never quite sure what people mean when they ask me about trust. i mean, i trust pretty much anyone i interact with routinely not to be physically abusive. more or less, at least. there are parts who don't feel that trust, but they're also the parts who aren't entirely certain that anything actually exists. so i'd say, of us who are out often enough to have a sense of reality, we trust the people we interact with routinely not to be physically abusive.

i trust that when i buy canned food, the contents of the can will be what is marked on the outside. i trust that when i use my debit card, they will only take out the amount of money they are supposed to. i trust coffee shops and restaurants to give me food that isn't poisoned. i trust people driving cars to have some basic awareness of following traffic laws.

so where is it that i'm not trusting people? i have trouble trusting that they will remember i exist when i'm not right there with them. i have trouble trusting that people will follow through on things they've said they would do for me. i have trouble trusting that i will be able to depend on anyone outside of myself.

i'm able to trust people *not* to do things pretty easily. i trust people in my life not to go calling my family and letting them know about the things i've told about. i trust people not to tell me that i'm lying. mostly, on that last one, because there is still a lot of fear around people not believing me. but mostly, i trust that people will believe me.

i trust most people not to go out of their way to hurt me.

but at the same time, i really *don't* trust most people (or any people) to go out of their way to help me, or even, to go out of their way for me at all. and i guess that's where the lack of trust comes in. i find it really difficult to believe that people will make much of an effort, or respond well if i ask that from them. and i don't have much faith that people will continue to want to be friends with me, or whatever, if i ask for too much. and since i don't know where the line is, what "too much" is, i try not to ask for anything that hasn't been expressly offered, and try to avoid asking for too much of that, either.

and i guess there are parts who don't feel safe allowing emotional vulnerability to show, so probably, it's either just a long-ingrained habit, or we don't really trust people to be safe with emotional vulnerability. i guess we don't really trust that people aren't going to be critical of us, and reinforce the negative messages that run in my/our head: that i'm just lazy and selfish and not trying hard enough or working hard enough or that i'm making all of this up. a little bit, we're starting to trust a few people, and it's not like we've had too many negative experiences like that for a while (well, there was the hospital and right after, but that was so *clearly* messed up....)

maybe it's that it doesn't feel safe to allow myself to rely on anyone else. much as i and a lot of other parts are desperate for help, it doesn't seem safe to believe that someone else will be willing to be there to help us cope. and so we close off and withdraw, because sometimes, coping is the only thing we can do, and figuring out how to cope and also be with people becomes impossible. i don't know. and i *do* know someone else has been waiting to do something else, and i've held on for a while, but i guess i need to be done now.

Read More......

Spiderwick Chronicles

We went to see the spiderwick movie today. it was a VERY good movie! it was a littel scary but that was ok caues we made a plan the plan was soemone will say "this is a movie and they will all be ok at the end of the movie" when we got scard. that way it was ECKSITING to watch that movie like a roller coster caues we new it wood be ok at the end!!

One thing good about this movie was it was about CWAPERASHUN. that means the pepul had to work together to make it be ok. one other thing good was it was about how you hafta fight the monsters insted of hide from the monsters caues if you hide from the monsters then you will just be scard but if you fight them then it is scary for a littel bit but then it is all better and the monsters are GONE.

That is a lessun we will try to remember. we will talk to the nonnys more about that caues rite now they are bein monster gards that is they are keeping the monsters away by being gards and they do not get to have fun and they are only scard all the tiem caues they are afraid of the monsters.

Monsters are scary but when you fite back then they do not win. only the pepul who are very brave will win.

In that movie every one had a job they did. well the gron up their mom her job was on a computer in a diffrunt place. but the kids all had a job and they had to cwaperate to make it work ok. and even if their job is diffrunt from the other job it is ok caues they all did a good job.

There were some parts funny and some parts scary and some parts sad in that movie. I will not say about everything caues then it will be a SUPRISE when YOU go and see the movie.

We saw that movie caues W told ellis and jamie their job for today was to see a movie! that was a suprise to! we chos that movie caues W every singel time she wants to read the book first befor she sees a movie, so if we waited for her then we wood not SEE the movie except on a tv. so we picked a movie that is better when you can see it big, and the other movies we can see on a tv.

That movie gave me an idea for a plan with the nonnys. this is my plan. we will make a plan to go and FITE thos monsters!!! insted of being gards or stuff we will FITE them and then they will be DED and they will not bother us any more! we will hafta cwaperate and work together soemone says cwaperate means work together so i do not hafta say it 2 tiems but it is ok I will do it my way caues this is my turn to rite. i will rite the way i want to!

So we will go FITE them together and then they will not bother us. we will make some things for proteckshun and they will make us be safe and then we will throw things at the monsters liek in the movie and the big ones who can use a sord they will do that and maby we will do other things and then the monsters will go away and not bother us and the nonnys will not hafta be monster gards any more and they can let us have fun and be happy and stuff. that is my plan!

Read More......

what are we to each other?

the title is referring to me (collective-me, and more specifically, the parts who have been around since august, which is to say, not the adults) and w.

it's something we've (by we i mean collective-me and w) been trying to figure out. it's one of the reasons we've been seeing couples' therapists. the plural in that is because the first two we saw didn't work out well. we'll see how the third one goes.

anyhow, i figured i might as well make a post about it, trying to figure it out.

if there were just one of me, and if it were one of the adult parts, or even if the adult parts were more present, the answer would be easy. the adults and w are partners. they have a romantic and sexual relationship that turned into a committed partnership. if it were just them, the answer would be easy. i don't know if the relationship would be easy, because from what i've observed, all relationships require a great deal of work, even in the absence of other issues.

but here's the thing. we younger parts definitely don't have a romantic or sexual relationship with w. for several months now, we've been sleeping in different rooms. (and let me tell you, that has made a huge improvement in our relationship, whatever it may be, because it reduced the degree to which we younger parts were getting triggered by being in a relationship with her!).

so we're not partners in the sense that most people would use that term, because it's not really a spouse-like relationship.

but it's not like we're strangers. w is the person i trust more than anyone else. it doesn't mean i trust her a LOT, it just means that i trust her more than anyone else. and i think that's true for pretty much everyone in the system.

when i was thinking about this earlier tonight, someone piped up that w is definitely *family*. which is true; family in the chosen sense, anyways. someone who is going to be there for me. someone who is an important part of my life. someone with whom i share a lot of history, with whom i live.

but it's still hard to work out our roles in this relationship.

i guess what i'm "supposed" to do is have the adults be the ones who are out more often, having a relationship with her, and the rest of us are supposed to... what? i don't know. i read the treatment guidelines for DID, and it seems to imply that it would be unhealthy for us to have a relationship with her separate from the adults in the system, that having w be anything other than the system's (the adults in the system's) partner is somehow unhealthy.

but that doesn't work. because the rest of us are inconveniently here. and we live with her and interact with her. she supports us financially. she supports us emotionally, and we try to do the same for her.

one thing that's been getting clearer to me is that i just don't quite understand how to be in an adult relationship. the adults seem to know this, but they have been blocked from coming out for six months now. and even though i (ellis, by the way) can do a lot of things the adults do, i really don't get how to be in an adult relationship. mature though i can act, developmentally, i'm only 15.

so it comes back to the question: what are we to each other? w isn't my partner, or the partner of any of us who have been around. she's not some random stranger. she's not really like a friend, although we are friends, kind of. the relationship is closer than that, and more... fraught with complications, i guess.

w has described it (and particularly these past few months) as being like what would happen if her partner all of a sudden had these kids she hadn't mentioned having before, and they all showed up on our doorstep, and moved in. and then her partner went away, leaving her with just the kids.

actually, that's kind of apt. although, looking back, w might have suspected something given that we were out buying toys on our second date!

but then, what is the relationship? i guess a lot of us inside here do kind of interact with her as though she were a stepparent. i mean, sometimes being friendly, sometimes being resentful, having this relationship that we can't quite understand or define, but knowing it exists.

i feel guilty that the adults haven't been around. not that i can figure out how to convince the others to let them back. they were getting close to doing that, and then all of these new parts started showing up, and things got really chaotic again. i feel guilty that i can't be her partner. and i feel guilty that i feel guilty for that, and i also understand that my guilt over that is tied to the degree to which i was expected to be my mother's partner when i was actually fifteen, and the anger and resentment i feel around that is about being triggered... but i do feel genuinely sorry that i can't just be the adult partner w needs. of course, in a lot of ways, what my mother wanted wasn't precisely an adult partner, which is probably why i was able to do the job back then. w seems to want more equality, and some indefinable (to me) adult-ness that the adults have, and that i just don't get.

anyhow, no great insight, but it's something i've really been thinking about. because maybe it would be easier to sort things out, if we could figure out what the relationship is in the first place.

Read More......

life

i would've added the follow up to that, except i'm not as depressed as marvin the paranoid android.

one thing that's slightly annoying is that i've had something i wanted to discuss with my therapist for the last couple of sessions, but when i (as in, the body i live in and share with a bunch of others) go into therapy, things are so switchy that the last several sessions, i haven't really gotten to have much of a chance to talk with my therapist about the things on *my* mind.

i suppose i could write her a note, but i guess i'm still at a point of feeling like i need to not be asking too much, and so writing a note still feels like asking too much of her time. i mean, the woman already gives me not only three sessions' worth of time every week, but we pretty consistently go over the time we're supposed to spend together, so there's the extra five or ten or fifteen minutes at the end of the sessions.

the main thing i'm worried about is this: i don't seem to be making much progress. i'm not sure what progress would look like, or what mileposts i'm aiming for (or inchposts, as the case may be). but it really feels like i'm not much further along than i was a year ago, or two years ago. well, ok, so the parts who were really suicidal seem to be better able to tolerate distress, and haven't gone into being actively suicidal for, oh, about two months now. being optimistic, i could say this is because they're feeling more able to work through their stuff. being less optimistic, i'd say it's only been two months since the last bad time, and nothing really upsetting has happened in our external world in the intervening time.

but back to optimism, i haven't even really noticed the kind of reflexive suicidal thoughts, like when something is difficult in life, and no one inside can think of a way to solve the problem, there always used to be the thought popping up of "there's one way to stop having to cope." and i don't think that's been there as much. i know grace has been feeling a little adrift, trying to figure out how the heck to cope, if that isn't the option.

but really.... two years of working on this stuff, putting my entire focus on it, and the best i've gotten is a reduction in suicidal ideation?

and it seems so selfish to have traded the reduction in suicidal ideation for my day-to-day coping skills. i can't manage a job. i can barely manage keeping the house even a little bit together. well, i did clean up two or three hairballs today. but i'm not being a very good housewife. i'm not working on my dissertation. i'm not working at a job. on a good day, i can manage to go to the grocery store without having a full-blown panic attack.

it feels lazy. it feels like i'm not working hard enough. it feels like there is something i should be doing, and i'm not doing it.

but since i know i'm working hard, and w and my therapist *say* i'm working hard... then there's something that isn't working. because this much effort, and all i get is a reduction in my inclination (or other parts' inclination) to start making plans about how to be dead?

sorry, that doesn't quite seem like a balanced trade-off. especially since i'm not convinced those feelings won't return if i force myself to cope with more than i'm coping with. especially since the last time i tried that, two months ago, it triggered a bout of serious suicidal feelings.

it's not that i want to risk doing something that will wind up with me being hurt or hospitalized. i just want to feel like i'm making some concrete progress.

and i'd like to get the chance to talk with my therapist about what our treatment goals are, and what i can be doing in order to reach those. but then there's the voice in my head that says i'm just looking for someone to rescue me, or to do things i ought to be able to figure out on my own. it's not that i want my therapist to solve my problems, or anyone else. not exactly. i just feel like i keep doing things that aren't working, or aren't moving me to a place where i am coping more effectively, and i don't KNOW what to do differently, and i really want someone to help with that. i don't think that's the same as wanting someone to rescue me. but i'm not quite sure.

Read More......

no real title

there are a lot of things i could be writing about, or that others have been thinking about. and we've been switching so much lately that i bet one of the others will show up before i'm done, or something.

anyhow, one thing to mention here is that i have a cold. and it sucks to have a cold, but at the same time, hopefully it means the reason i've been really exhausted and run down lately is from the cold, and not from some dire exacerbation of the fibro. so as far as that goes, it's ok. the cold should be over with in a week or two (unless i got a different cold from the one going around, or unless i get lucky and get over it quickly).

another thing to mention is that i've been really switchy. like, not having any part around for more than an hour at a time, tops. lots of times, it's more minute to minute. not sure what's causing it. spent a chunk of the weekend, and parts of today, so switchy i could barely stand up. lots of vision difficulties. some of it i have been covering up, so i don't think w or others quite know the extent of it. some of it, i don't notice until something calls attention to it. i mean, if we're all doing more or less the same thing, then it's not so much of a problem. but i was trying to write something down--just a quick jotting, and realized looking at the handwriting that i switched about four times in five minutes or so of writing. so it's hard to get things taken care of because we don't always agree about what we're trying to do.

one positive from this is that i was still really switchy and spaced out when w and i went to couple's counseling today. not usually a good thing, and there was a moderate panic attack on the subway. but the positive part is, this new couple's therapist was able to handle the switchiness, and i wound up feeling more grounded afterwards, and even though i wasn't comfortable (nor, i think, were any of the others) with calling attention to the fact that i was switching all over the place... or, well, with saying who we were and when it happened... but the new therapist was still someone we felt comfortable with, and felt ok talking about things. so we'll see how that works out. i didn't feel like she was pushing at me too much, even though she was talking a lot about my issues. but she seems really careful to balance the discussion between me and w, and it feels like she takes both of us seriously. so that's good.

now i'm gonna stop writing, because someone else is about to be out, and i can barely focus my eyes.

plus, i'm not 100% sure who i am, and it feels weird to say that, but there it is. i'm not ellis or grace or jamie or rynn, or one of the adults or littles. beyond that, not sure.

Read More......

Sesame Street!

We have been watching Sesame Street. It is a good show. Not the show now with too much Elmo. We are watching the old ones they say are not good for today's children, but I am a child from the old days I guess caues these are good shows and we are watching them. They make me happy and then it is ok for some tiem caues even the ones who are scared or sad or soemthing they will watch and we can be ok for a littel bit. We got the DVD from Netflix. We will watch them some more.

That video up there is not from the DVD it is one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve. i like that movie very much. so we found it on line. it is good. that is all. bye.

Read More......

Oh my GOODNESS! Went to the atm to get cash. First two weren't working. Finally found one that was. Put in my info and then noticed there was a twenty dollar bill already in the slot. That's 2000 days of good luck!

To my credit, I did go to the person at the store, and ask whether anyone had come in saying they didn't get all the money they were supposed to, and all of that. She just kind of laughed at me, and said it was my good luck. So I guess it was.

Read More......

Just testing to see if i can post from my phone.

Read More......

still having a hard time, and a question

so things are still hard. i guess it's to be expected. or something.

therapy today... very switchy in the first part of the session. as in, i know at least three of us were out, possibly more, but not sure how many my therapist noticed (it's a kind of switching i guess happens a lot in my system--where a bunch of us are cycling through, and we're all more or less aware of what the conversation is, but no one is there for more than a few minutes at a time, so we all just kind of cover it up so things look ok). i know jamie was out for a bit, and ellis, and grace. me too... don't think i have a name? i know i'm not one of those three, and i know i'm not rynn, and i know i'm not one of the little kids. but not sure who that leaves. maybe there's a list somewhere and i can find out. i know i've been around before. i've probably said i was ellis or jamie, or even one of the adults. i don't know. just used to thinking i'm someone else, i guess.

still very switchy. my eyes keep crossing... i think that's evidence of parts coming in and out?

so there was that.

there's also the fact that a new little was out in therapy. not precisely new, except she doesn't have a name yet. but she's one of the "nonnys" we've felt (the "nonnys" are the ones who aren't giving names yet). did some water color paintings, and then talked for a while about religious stuff. that's where the question comes in.

(trigger warning for religious stuff)

anyone have experience helping a little, or an actual little kid, deal with the kind of stuff that comes out of being raised in a really fundamentalist christian church? you know, the whole if you don't follow every single rule of the church then you are going to hell, and people will tempt you down false paths and try to get you to stray and don't read anything the church doesn't approve of, and things like the chronicles of narnia are on the "bad" list because they lead people down false paths and talk about magic.

kid also has some of the experience of physical and sexual abuse, at least, i overheard one of the others saying to her that "that stuff" was bad, even if someone says it was helping her to not give in to satan because she had to learn how not to respond to temptation.

she doesn't want to listen to the rest of us, because anyone who says that the churches she went to are wrong is clearly just trying to lead her astray. going down false paths, stuff like that. giving into worldly temptation.

trying to find things that aren't forbidden by her religious beliefs. wanting toys seems to be evidence of being "worldly." tv is definitely sinning. don't have any "approved" books....

wish she were willing to listen to the rest of us, but we're clearly tainted by sin, because we think that perhaps god doesn't want little kids to suffer. not to mention things like being a lesbian, or the fact that to the extent we practice religion, it's either paganism or judaism.

so there's that going on. plus the body is having a lot of memories (by that i mean, anyone who really gets into the body starts having body memories... combo of sexual abuse, physical abuse, and being force fed, rarely all at once, but in random variations). plus a couple of older ones having memories of physical abuse, both bullying and at home. plus littler ones remembering abuse too.

just wish it would let up for a while.

Read More......

for the record

when using the internet is one of your major sources of support and soothing and calming, it's REALLY bad when your router decides for no discernible reason to stop working for hours on end. particularly since you can't find your paper manual (if there ever was one?) and need to use... yup, the internet to find out what the default password on the router is so you can reboot it.

when does mercury go *out* of retrograde?

Read More......

moments of grace

one of the problems with having DID is that there is only one body, and all of those who want to do something that requires a body have to try to share it. that's a though to preface what may wind up being a really confused/confusing post, because even though i have things i want to write, i'm not 100% certain that i will be able to hear myself think through all the things the *others* are thinking, or that i will be the only one writing things down.

aimlessly finding an entry point to what i was thinking when i decided i wanted to write.... i (we? someone?) have noticed something. the more each of us in this system is able to differentiate ourselves from the others, the more we are able to integrate *ourselves*. which seems kind of backwards--achieving self-knowledge by separating more thoroughly from other parts who live in the same body? but hey, it's all in the name of greater mental health, right?

so, about me. recently, i got a "real" name, as opposed to something the others (or even i) used to refer to myself. my name is grace. i chose it in part because for a while, when i talked to our therapist, and she asked for a name, and i couldn't think of one, and she suggested just naming a color, and i knew for sure the color that fits me, the color pretty much all of us think of when we think of me... gray. anyhow, we were using the color gray to refer to me in therapy, but for a lot of reasons, particularly because of the reasons that i feel surrounded by grayness, i didn't want that to be my name, and the others in the system didn't, either.

so in part, the name "grace" is because it sounds pretty close to the word "gray."

but there's also the thought of moments of grace. i know how they feel, but i don't have words for them, not exactly. moments of grace... those points when because of something or someone or just random chance, when things get better. they don't last long, but i guess they don't need to. it's that feel of a spring wind in the middle of winter, that beam of light that reminds you that maybe the sun really is planning on coming back again. or it's that second when you look up, and there is a gorgeous moon, and you had forgotten how beautiful the world can be. or that morning when you bend over to put on your shoes, and find that for some reason, your back and hands aren't hurting so badly, and you can do this without pain. those moments that come out of nowhere, and then go right back into nowhere.

there's the religious thing, too. you are saved not by works, but by grace. like, no matter how much effort you put in, no matter how good you are, how well you follow the rules, it's something else that saves you. or it doesn't. and there have been a lot of times in my life where it's been pretty clear that i've gone solely by grace. because it's not like anything else was stepping in to save me, some of those times.

i wouldn't say i'm christian, and i know there are parts who are, and i know there are parts who are pretty badly scarred by our particular experience of christianity, and i know there are parts who just happen to have a more... broad sense of religion. but anyhow, christianity is my first language for religious things, so i'll talk about those moments of grace, with the warning that i don't mean it in a precisely christian way. i mean, it was by the grace of god that i was led to all those fantasy books that opened up my mind about what religion could be, and allowed me to reconcile my own experiences with the religion i was raised with.


okay, another transition. i'm not particularly good with transitions. it's one of those writing things i can't really manage.

for years, well before JA was diagnosed with DID, before any of us had even heard of dissociation, the others still had a name for me. that was "the hopeless one." because, well, that's a very noticeable part of who i am. i know it frustrates some of the others, because they find that things work out better when they can behave as though the positive outcome is going to be there. but oh well. sometimes, things can feel pretty darned hopeless.

the other name for me was "the suicidal one." i wasn't suicidal to begin with. heck, i was even pretty hopeful. i had a plan, and it seemed like such a good plan. i was going to put really strong protections around the part of my mind that was my *self*, and stick it out at home until i turned 18, and then i would leave, escape cleanly, and go to college, and live my happy, successful, fulfilled life. i would get therapy and neatly process through all the stuff that i knew had been problematic when i was growing up. and everything was gonna be ok.

maybe my mistake was not starting therapy as soon as i left home, but that didn't seem like the hugely important part, not to anyone who was out, at least. not that we knew about each other, except how we kind of did. i mean, we're all really used to kind of watching ourselves go around in the world, commenting on it, trying to figure out what's happening.

i can remember some of college, and most of it, the parts where it wasn't clearly me in charge, were weird. "hm, here i go, acting like a college student. i wonder how i know how to do all these things," i'd think. but i was used to that.

but then i guess collective-i started getting flashbacks. definitely started getting a lot of body memories, which none of us had a name for, but that we knew were... something not about how the body was working, you know? something that felt phsyical, but wasn't, and went along with distinctly uncomfortable emotions.

oh, yeah, and there were a whole darned LOT of emotion-memories coming up. flooding with despair and unhappiness and all of that.

so my clever plan had some flaws, and i had absolutely NO idea what to do next. general advice: college counseling centers are not necessarily the place to go if you're highly functional but suffering from a fairly major nervous breakdown. so the counselor i saw somehow missed the nervous breakdown, and saw just this person who was a "little" unhappy (despite being TOLD by my friends--and i admitted it was true--that i hadn't eaten more than a few bites, if that, for about three or four months). so her advice? "decide to be more cheerful."

which, i admit, is advice i'd given myself in high school. to decide what my moods would be, and cause myself to feel that way. well, looking back, to create a part who had the traits that would let her feel that way. but given that the reason i was in counseling was that that had failed to work any more... i felt like i'd given it my best shot, like i'd done absolutely everything i could think to do, and nothing was helping. so that's around when i got completely suicidal.

not sure where i was going with that, but ok. oh, right, moments of grace, and the grace of god. so, by the grace of god, i do have parts who didn't ever want to die. so they are probably the reason that the majority of my suicide plans are things that would be likely to fail.

and it was sheer unadulterated grace from on high that i suffered no physical ill effects from the one time i overdosed except for a lingering gag reflex when presented with the particular brand of medicine. and maybe it's even grace from on high that no one found out about that particular incident until much later, because it meant that instead of getting stuck in a hospital, the other parts could show up and take over, and go on as though nothing had happened. which, given the results, might have been the best outcome for then.

anyhow. the other thing i meant to write about in this post is how, as we parts grow more distinct from each other, we also find our-individual-part-selves growing more integrated.

because it turns out, i'm not just, or only, despairing or suicidal. i never was *only* suicidal. i'm also one of the ones who loves to read. i like to do puzzles. i like to go for walks, or color. i loved to ride my bike.

a lot of the time i am present, but none of us were aware it was me, until we started working on being aware of who we were. and as each of us is able to say, "oh, that's me" or "oh, that's her" we're all learning that there is more to each of us, and always has been more, than the labels we first had.

not sure what my point is. and i know others had things they wanted to say, but i think by this point, we're all tired, or tired of writing, so that's all.

Read More......

Groovy Girls

I am writing about Groovy Girls. They are really super toys. They are not too big and not too little. They have VERY friendly faces. I am getting a whole COLLECTION of Groovy Girls. Mostly that is because we cannot find the clothes for sale, but we can find the dolls.

One good thing about Groovy Girls is they come in almost every single color that a person is colored. And they can all be friends. That is why they are a good toy if somebody might feel bad about what color THEY are, because then they can see that all colors are very good, not just some colors.

Also they are good because they are just the right size to play with.

If you know a girl who needs a present, then maybe she will like to have a Groovy Girl. They are the same age as a girl, and not a grown up like Barbie is. Also, they are not too expensive. They cost only ten dollars or something. So if someone gets an allowance, then they could save that allowance for just a few weeks, and then they could get their OWN Groovy Girl.

That is all.

From Michelle, but also Jewel and Rain like this post too. We are sharing. Kara did not help because she is still very little.

Read More......

stupid fibro

not sure why it's been so bad lately. that is, i can't tell if it's that the adults have been a little closer to the surface, and they do have worse fibro, or if it's that i'm fighting off an illness.

all i know is that, pretty much whoever is out, we've been totally exhausted.

it's hard to remember that, let's face it, i'm not a nap person. hardly any of my parts are nap people. according to my mother, i stopped napping around the age of six months. but lately, it's been a couple of naps a day. just sheer exhaustion.

and when it's not the exhaustion, it's the pain. usually, fibro pain just makes me kind of crabby. i can't tell for sure whether this pain is worse, or i'm just more whiny about it. i do know that there have been several times in the past week when i found myself whimpering a little to myself over the discomfort. it feels worse than the time i broke my tailbone (of course, when i broke my tailbone, my body was so kind as to provide me with some endorphins, and those definitely take the edge off the pain).

the main issue i'm coping with is that even though there are a ton of things i want to be able to get done, mostly what i've managed is resting, resting, more resting... and going to therapy, which does take priority over getting the apartment organized, if i'm prioritizing what little energy i have. i'd just rather be able to get a bit more done.

or, if not that, i'd like to stop feeling guilty for not getting more done.

(this is several of us simultaneously, i think. ellis writing, but others concur.)

Read More......

Support for Supporters

At the last meeting of my DID/MPD support group, we *finally* managed to get an OK to send out an email to our list announcing the fact that people are starting a support group for supporters. So if you are a supporter of someone who has DID/MPD or another dissociative disorder, and you live within easy traveling distance of NYC, you may want to check this out:

Support for Supporters:

Some partners and friends of people with DID or other dissociative disorders would like to start a peer support group for people who are supporters of those with DID/MPD or another dissociative disorder. People who are welcome include partners, friends and supporters of those with DID.

The group will initially meet in Manhattan, at the same time as New Landscape, but in a different location so as to insure privacy to everyone in both groups. The person you support does NOT have to attend the New Landscape group in order for you to attend the supporters' group. The supporters' group will make its own decisions as to meeting guidelines, etc., once it gets going.


If there is enough interest (and there already is), the 1st Partner's Group meeting can start next month! If you or someone you know might be interested in attending this group, write us back for details.

~New Landscape

contact@new-landscape.com

Read More......

sometimes

sometimes i am afraid that if i admit to myself or anyone else how hard this is, then i won't be able to keep on coping. that i will just fall apart and everything will come crashing down around me.

things are hard. i am managing to cope, but they are hard. a lot of memories have been coming up recently. parts who have new information.

some of it is good--being able to figure out why i react with panic in some situations.

and some of it is just hard. hard. hard.

it's easy to go with a level of denial--like, how could i POSSIBLY have not remembered that? that was a BIG thing, not just something small.

and it's even harder, when i have a different version of the memory, something that's easier to cope with. how can i remember part of something, and not the whole? how could i re-write something as it was happening, and erase the parts i couldn't cope with?

but logic intervenes--do i benefit from making this up? not so much. there is no real gain from making up these memories. i don't feel better. i don't get more sympathy from other people, since what i do remember is bad enough to get all the sympathy a person could want.

so what do i get from it? sadness, hurt, remembered pain.

what do i get from looking at the memories? a measure of relief from panic and body memories.

so logic says, probably these things are real. probably these things happened. that doesn't make it easier. even though i know that remembering doesn't make me less of a survivor, it's still hard to allow myself to remember, and to examine the intensity of what happened. i am afraid of becoming one of those people who spends their entire life complaining about how forces outside their control ruined everything.

i was successful in high school and college and afterwards in part because of the denial. if i could make myself believe... not so much that it wasn't happening, but that i could keep it from affecting me, then i could go on with my life, and take control.

if i focused on the things that were under my power, i told myself the things that i couldn't control just didn't matter, they were separate from me.

might get it together later to write some memories, but this is hard. it's just HARD.




my therapist asked yesterday whether i would be interested in doing a double session on tuesdays instead of a single one. i think this is in addition to the sessions we have on thursdays. so three hours a week of therapy. doesn't seem like much, until you consider the degree to which therapy can knock me out. it's exhausting, even when i'm talking about superficial things.

but maybe it's not such a bad idea. it scares me, though. i'm afraid of being too dependent. i'm afraid of being too needy. and i'm really afraid of getting into these memories, and stirring things up.

i know that dealing with memories isn't entirely incompatible with living my life. but it's hard. it's overwhelming. i would rather pretend that everything is okay now, that we can do a few little mental exercises and **poof!** everything will be okay.

i'm afraid that instead, i'll fall apart entirely.

Read More......

RANT!

So, there I was, innocently reading the paper this morning. And there was an article about how Cymbalta was approved for use with fibromyalgia.

But could they just leave well enough alone and talk about how fibromyalgia is finally getting recognized and treated? Oh, no. They had to keep on quoting doctors talking about how it's all in our heads. Especially because the doctor who initially created the diagnosis now regrets it.

Yes, there was some good information mixed in there. And it did make the front page of the New York Times, above the cut even. But it makes me furious that so much of the article was taken up with casting doubts on the reality of fibromyalgia.

The main thread in the denials was this: giving the illness a name means that people focus more on pain others would just tolerate or ignore.

Let me tell you this: yes, I do focus more on it, and stop ignoring it. Does this mean the pain is new, or the attention to it increases it? Well, let's think about that. About two years before I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, my hands and feet started hurting really badly in the mornings when I woke up. I ignored the pain.

About a year later, I noticed that one of my feet continued to be mildly uncomfortable (compared to the morning pain) throughout the day. Also, it was swollen enough to make it difficult to get my shoe on. I finally went to the doctor, who at first dismissed it, and then sent me to an orthopedist, who diagnosed the BROKEN FOOT. So I have it on very good evidence that the pain from fibromyalgia is subjectively greater than the pain of a broken bone.

Fibro pain has distracted me from the pain of a broken tailbone, and from the pain of badly abscessed teeth. The fibro pain is objectively worse than things that are generally objectively deemed quite painful.


I personally think this: saying that diagnosing fibromyalgia makes people feel pain is like saying that me learning about racism is what made my family racist. As though they were perfectly normal before, and now I just see racism everywhere.

Because if I hadn't learned about racism, I wouldn't have thought that telling someone they only got into college and graduate school because they were black (rather than, I don't know, intelligent and hardworking) wouldn't have been racist if I hadn't learned about racism.

Because the pain that kept me from noticing I had broken my foot wouldn't have been a problem if I hadn't been diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

Think about it.

Read More......

Needs and Wants meme

KatM at Finding the Light in the Darkness tagged me with the "Needs and Wants" meme from Survivors Can Thrive.

Rules of the “Survivor Needs” Meme:

Please link back to the originating meme at Survivors Can Thrive, so people can see its origins, get ideas for their own self-care list, see who’s already been tagged, and maybe we can track how far this meme goes.

=> List 25 needs and 5 wants. Try to restrict your needs list to things that have to do with being a survivor of some sort of abuse, assault, etc. Your wants list can be anything you want!

=> Use this list to remind yourself to get your needs met this holiday season and in the New Year.

=> Pass on this meme and tag five people to play this meme with you.

25 Things I Need

1. Basic subsistence: safe housing, food, shelter, medical care, clothing.

A good support system, which includes:

2. Friends who accept me as I am.

3. A therapist who is competent and ethical.

4. People I can call when I need support, or am lonely, or just because.

5. "Community" in the sense we used when I lived in Portland; people who are working together on activist causes, who also support each other and making sure to have fun in the midst of trying to help the world.

The ability to understand that:

6. My life is in my own hands; whatever happened in the past, my future is what I choose to make of it.

7. Things have changed, and I am no longer in a dangerous situation.

8. Not all people are untrustworthy.

9. It is good, and strong, and right to ask for help when I need it. It is ok to ask for help, even if the person I ask to help me isn't able to help in the way I ask them to.

The courage to:

10. Fail. Yes, the courage to do something even if I don't succeed. The courage to accept that I have not done what I set out to do.

11. Try again.

12. To face my past.

13. To face the future, and accept that it will come.

14. To speak my truths.

15. To be as open as possible about all of who I am.

16. To trust other people, and to believe what they say, rather than what I fear.

Time to:

17. Play.

18. Do healing work.

19. To learn new things.

From myselves I need:

20. Patience with the healing process.

21. The willingness to go slowly instead of trying to force myself to get "better" on someone else's (or my own imposed) schedule.

22. Cooperation amongst my parts, and a willingness to listen to each other.

23. Patience with each other, remembering that we each have our own issues to deal with. Even when it means continuing for a while to carry burdens we'd rather let go.

24. A commitment to each other, and to keeping the promises we've made to each other.

25. Self-awareness and distinctness for each part, because it really does seem to help us to heal.

Five things I want
1. (More) friends who live nearby; particularly, friends who are coping with some of the same issues.

2. A playgroup for littles, where they could spend time with other kids who are their age, without all the problems connected to someone in an adult body playing with external children.

3. To be able to help others, and share the things that have helped me.

4. A DID/MPD/Dissociative disorders visibility/awareness/activist movement. I want to know I am not alone, and to stop feeling as though I absolutely need to hide who I am. I want to stop feeling ashamed, and seeing others like me feeling as though they need to hide. (Note: I'm not talking about being "out" in every single situation; but, like many visibility movements, I've seen acceptance increase as people are able to be more visible. I want that.)

5. There are a lot of things vying for this last spot, but I'm gonna go with "To win the lottery." Because most of the things vying for this spot require a substantial amount of cash (living in a co-housing community; creating a community space for people to hang out and do projects and have gatherings; having a second-run movie theater that will show good movies even if I miss them when they are in theaters; having a huge playroom with room for all the littles' toys; having the ability to do all the travel I'd like to do; plus all of those crass material wants most people have.)


I want to add here that many of the things on my "needs" list are things I do have, to one degree or another. Not necessarily all the time, but I am exceptionally fortunate in the people who surround me, and in the life I have. It's sometimes hard to believe that these are things I've chosen, and brought into my own life, but they really didn't happen accidentally. And while some of it was luck, some of it was the result of life choices I made when I was in the middle of growing up. I'm grateful to my earlier selves for everything they have done to get me where I am now. And I hope we're able to continue to help each other through this new phase of our lives.

Okay, so let me think of who to tag.

Definitely Fallen Angels, at "A Safe Place"

These others, well, I don't know if you've been tagged yet, but I'd rather post this and get on with my day, I didn't see you tagged in the places I checked, so:

Roses on the Moon.

Village of Many.

Oompaa/hlhshorty.

Ophelia at "Welcome to the Twilight Zone." (I know your blog is friends-locked, but I figure it won't hurt to invite you to do the meme!)

Read More......

Christmas

One advantage of external kids would be that, most likely, they would be willing to go amuse themselves with their stocking, and then I could keep sleeping while they did that.

Instead, the internal kids woke me up at seven this morning, bouncing with excitement because they were SURE they heard Santa last night, and wanted to go see what was in the stocking. There is nothing that so confirms I have other people in my head than the way that I kept trying to shut my eyes to get some more sleep, and the littles kept opening them and bouncing to get out of bed.

I hope W. appreciates the fact that I have done everything I can to keep them occupied and distracted this morning, so that at least one of us will get the chance to sleep until a more reasonable hour.

Read More......

Santa Claus!!

You can find where santa claus is!


Santa claus is going around the world only it is magic or somthing caues we cannot really see him and mostly what santa does is helps people to remember to be nice to someone.

like i was a santa caues we gave presents for the kids who do not have money. we gave a big huge kite and also a book about space and also the super fort. the super fort is a very good present caues it is a fort you can bild any different way. we gave those things to the poor children and then they get them and they will smile when they open their presents caues they are not garbidge presents they are good presents and probly their mommy or daddy will smile to caues they will be happy if they can give a nice present.

that is why i was a santa claus. also i will be a santa claus and fill up w's stocking with good presents. maby we will make a lot more presents for her to. for hanuka, you give presents to but it is just people giving presents and not someone magic except in one or two stories there is something magic and also when the oil lasted for 8 nights insted of one, that was magic or a miracle. a miracle is when god does magic.

santa came to our house already i think but maby he will come again and eat some cookies and fill up our stockings that will be nice. santa is a person who lives at the magic north pole. that is the one you cannot get to unless you are an elf or santa or something. maby tonight we can watch a movie about santa. i would like that very much.

also they have movies about santa. the movies show where he is right now. michelle and mandy and kara and me and everyone are very much excited about christmas. ellis is probly tired or something but she is helping us to make a good present and then we will make another present to but i will not say what they are caues they are suprises.

Read More......

Thinking

One of the main things I (Ellis) have been working on in therapy is accepting that there are times when I need to stop working, and be okay with not doing everything I feel ought to be done.

I know this is particularly one of my issues, because coping with too much to be done is why I came to be.

Nineteen years ago, I was fourteen years old. My foot was in a cast, because I had sprained it in gym. I was responsible for babysitting my younger siblings every day after school, while my mother took night classes. I was in charge of making sure they did their homework, got fed, took care of chores (or at least making sure the chores got done, which often enough meant that I was the one doing them), and got into bed on time. I was also responsible for keeping up with my own schoolwork, and doing well in school. (This last, at least, held a personal motivation, because I understood that if I did well in school for four more years, the reward was that I could have an all-expenses paid ticket *out* of my home.)

I was fourteen years old.

None of this was considered too difficult for me. If I couldn't manage to do all of that well, it was because I was lazy.

All my life, growing up, I was taught that I was lazy. In the face of all evidence, I believed I was lazy. Because, lots of times, I really wished I could be responsible for less. I wished I could just curl up somewhere and do absolutely nothing for a little bit.

I believed I was lazy because sometimes, the last thing I wanted to do was get dragged out of bed to hear about how I hadn't done enough that day.

I believed the problem was my laziness.

So, fast forward to my adult life. How can I possibly see anything I do now as difficult, if I was taught to believe that what I coped with at fourteen wasn't difficult?

I think part of my struggle with learning how to stop pushing myself is that it makes me feel like I'm being lazy, self-indulgent, selfish... it makes me feel like I'm weak. It also makes me feel disloyal to my mother, because she taught me that what I coped with at fourteen wasn't too hard for a fourteen year old to cope with.

And it also makes me scared. Because if I really am lazy, maybe if I don't push myself, I won't get anything done. And then I will be a failure, someone who waits for the world to solve all of my problems for me.

Intellectually, I know I do plenty. But emotionally, not so much. I'm working on this. Perhaps, a day hasn't been wasted if I don't spend eighteen hours pushing myself to get things done. Perhaps, it's enough to do just what I can, and to stop when I start to feel panicky. At least, I can consider this possibility.

Read More......

DID/MPD/Dissociative Awareness

The conclusion!

So, the voting has ended, and here are the winning designs. I'm pretty proud, since the image on the left is the one I designed.

And, since it's the one I designed, and I had a nice, clean, large version of it on my hard drive, I went ahead and made a Café Press store with a couple of items. I'll probably add more products soon, as I get the chance to spend the time doing it. I can only hope that the process will get easier the more I do it.

So that's the good thing for today.

Read More......

Tomorrow is the last day to vote!

Help choose a ribbon and/or icon for DID/MPD/Dissociative Awareness!

Vote at this page.

Admittedly, my preferred ribbon is the current frontrunner, but I wanted to make sure everyone who wanted to help decide got a chance to vote. So if you read this blog, and you haven't already heard about this poll, and you want to vote, please do so by December 12 (which is Wednesday, or tomorrow).

Read More......

i ought to know better

i can't think why i did this. i found one of the lists of "incest aftereffects" and printed it out. then i marked down which ones i or my sisters have. not sure about all of them, because we don't talk about this stuff too much, but of the things i know, between us, we've got all but one of the 35 aftereffects listed.

probably means there was some incest going on.

hard to believe that. i mean, i know i have tons of symptoms. i know i have flashbacks that most likely point to having survived incest. i know there are things that trigger me that, again, most likely point to incest.

but i still can't really grasp that it happened. it's so hard to accept that something like that could happen, and no one would talk about it, and i wouldn't remember. i mean, i may not remember many specific incidents of abuse, but i was always aware that it was going on.

maybe it's that incest is more secretive. more hidden. happened to us separately, and not in front of each other. (well, not the physical side. the emotional incest was right out there in the open. or maybe lots of kids go on dates with their parents....)

i guess a lot of it is protective. it is easier for me to get through a lot of life by not remembering. but then, why do i keep on getting confronted with evidence?

i would say, "something would have shown when we were growing up." but then i look back, and realize the danger signs were loud and clear for anyone who might have been looking for them. but it's still hard to accept.

Read More......

Addition to the DID/MPD/Dissociative Awareness poll

Hello, all. Yup, the voting is still going on. But it occurs to me that I didn't make a request of the dozen or so people who read this blog, that you pass on the link to the website for voting. We'd like as many people as possible to have a say in what the image is, because that way, hopefully people will be aware of it, and will want to wear the icon.

Here's the link: http://www.copingincrazyville.com/iconvoting.php

Oh, yeah, and singletons can vote, but preferably will only vote once!

Read More......

looking at the pieces

it's easier when i can believe things didn't really happen. or at least i guess that's why i approach it that way. i can accept the individual pieces of the puzzle, to a greater or lesser degree. i can look, and say, "well, okay, yeah, *that* happened. and also *that*." but somehow, my mind shies away from putting the pieces together and dealing with the whole picture.

i can collect all of the pieces, and know that they add up to abuse, but it's so hard to accept that they do. i can look at my siblings and recognize that things probably were "that bad" because they certainly show signs of having gone through abuse; so why is it so hard to accept that perhaps i have DID because of abuse? mostly because i just can't deal with the enormity of what happened, i guess.



some pieces:

i know that my mother believed in spanking babies beginning around when they're six months old.

i know that my mother was more likely to spank, and to spank harder, when she was under stress.

i know that my mother got divorced from my father, and also had an abortion, when i was about six months old.

my mother says i was a "good baby" who could be put into my crib for hours at a time, and i wouldn't cry or fuss, even though i also didn't nap.

i know that my mother (at least some of the time, more when she was stressed) considered crying and fussing to be willfulness on the part of a baby, and would punish them for it.

my mother says that i "didn't like to be cuddled" when i was a baby, and would just hold myself stiff and unresponsive when she tried to cuddle with me.

i know my next-older sister, who was in grade school when i was born, resented me being born. i know her response to resentment was often physical violence.



i have all of those pieces, and yet, my mind shies away from acknowledging that anything bad happened. i can't really bring myself to put together the picture, even though i have some strong suspicions about what it means. and there are different parts of this puzzle. pieces that point to ongoing sexual abuse. pieces that suggest i was more physically abused than i remember.


at the same time, i can't imagine how i would live my life if i had to cope with the enormity of what happened. how could i go through each day, or talk to the people i talk to, or any of that, if i accept that my past was traumatic?

Read More......

DID/MPD/Dissociative Awareness

We've gathered all the submissions, and chosen eleven of them for the final round of voting.

So tell your friends to come and vote. Here is a link to the page where you can register your opinions.

Read More......

Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

This isn't up to my usual standard of quality, but we really enjoyed the movie, and wanted to share. We saw Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium last week on Friday and it was a very good movie. The kids liked it because it was in a toy shop and there was lots of cool stuff happening, and nothing scary happened except one little bit that was only a tiny bit scary. No, two little bits, I guess, because two littles are telling me about two different parts they thought were scary, but they weren't scared of the same part.

Mostly, it's just really great. It has a very good message, which is that wonder and magic have to come from you believing you can make them, and you can make friends and make the world a cooler place if you believe in yourself. Plus, there wasn't any stupid love stuff in the movie (even we older parts appreciate it when they don't tack on a romantic subplot just to have one, and this movie stood up without it).

And we weren't the only ones who really enjoyed the movie. We saw it the night it came out, in a theater filled with kids (age range: looked like 3 to about 12). The kids were totally focused on the movie the whole way through. All the adults in the theater seemed to really enjoy the movie too (except one, who was the kind of adult who doesn't turn off their cell phone ringer, and then takes FOUR CALLS while sitting in a movie theater).

One of the things I enjoyed was that they didn't bother to water down the vocabulary, so lots of the characters used big words, and that was nice in a kids' movie, that they didn't expect just because you're a kid, that you're stupid. But at the same time, they also seemed to know which things kids were likely to understand (or, you know, grown ups) so at the credits, which I missed most of, I saw that instead of just putting the Hollywood names for different parts of the crew, they described what they did (like, "People who pointed the cameras at other people" or something).

It was a really good movie, and I'm hoping I can get to see it again sometime very soon, in the theater and everything.

Read More......

Therapists

I am feeling accomplished. I spent some time this morning tweaking my search terms, and finally managed to generate a *useful* list of therapists on the Psychology Today therapist locator thing. So I emailed the first sixteen on the list, figuring that I can move on to later ones if none of those people works out for us. I'm talking useful as in, I narrowed it down to people who do couples' therapy, and have some experience with trauma. One of the two who have already called me back even has experience working both with ADD and with people with dissociative disorders.

I can only hope that at least one of the people on this list works out well as a couples' therapist for me and W.

And I can only hope that by setting up multiple appointments, W and I will be able to keep clear heads, and decide on a therapist based on whether or not she's a good match, and not just on our willingess to give her a month of our lives as we try to decide.

Read More......

miscellany

Several things going on. Lots of parts are very depressed because of a lot of different things (mostly boiling down to being lonely and not having good prospects of getting friends our own age, and also that there are some things in day-to-day life that can be really discouraging and frustrating to deal with. Oh, yeah, and all that "childhood trauma" stuff that we so often discount as a cause.)

And for a few days last week, a severely suicidal part was out; the main problem with that is, she's not sufficiently self-aware to recognize that she's a separate part... so she thinks she's one (or several) of the other parts. It's all very confusing. It would help if we could get her to start to recognize herself, and that she's separate from the rest of us, because then it would be easier for us to help her. Also, it would be easier to convince her that the rest of us are NOT as severely depressed as she is, and we'd rather not have her acting on her suicidal urges, thank you. Even if she does experience the rest of us as just being her, "faking being happy." It's a real downer, let me tell you.


On a somewhat related note, in the sense that I remain convinced that there is SOMETHING we can do to ease a lot of the pain and frustration we're experiencing, I've realized a couple of the reasons I find it so difficult to access the ideas in books like "Getting Through the Day" by Nancy Napier. One is that they are totally focused on dealing with trauma, and don't actually give good strategies for figuring out day-to-day life stuff. You know, like how to you work through a system meeting, if you can't figure out how to get everyone to come to the same spot and speak one at a time? Or how do you figure out a schedule that will actually meet everyone's needs? I swear, as soon as I come up with some good ways of doing this, I am going to put them up on a website, because I cannot be the only person who needs this.

Also, I desperately wish I could find some simple worksheets, with short fill-in-the-blanks kinds of questions, just for parts to practice communicating (I mean, things like, "My name is _________ and my favorite flavor of ice cream is ________." I can't be the only person who experiences immediate chaos if I push certain parts to talk about why they exist, but who also needs to figure out how to get to know them. And we're all better at responding to questions than at coming up with something useful by journaling to a blank page.)

But the other thing I've realized is that most of the books, at least all that I've read so far, are written as though there is a singular "you" who happens to have some parts. And I think that's why I have such a hard time translating how to work within my own system. There just isn't one part who is consistently present. Some parts may be out more than others, but none of us feels like, or is accepted by the others as, the "main one" or the "host" or even the "shell." It's kind of like people who live in a house together, presuming they moved into the house at the same time. No one really has seniority, and they all share the house equally (more or less... some people monopolize different parts of the house, just like some housemates take over the phone and no one else gets a chance to make a call. That doesn't make it their phone!) (And now I'm thinking of youth in this cell phone age wondering why people don't just use their own phones. I'm talking about land lines here, folks.)

So anyhow, even the stuff written for multiples doesn't seem to take into account that there isn't a singular "you" who is the one in therapy, and the one who can coordinate everything. And I haven't seen anything explaining how to figure out who is coordinating things, or in charge, or how to have a consensus based organization inside your own head.

Sorry this is so totally scattered. On top of my own brain being wonky today, I've been getting phone calls and text messages off and on while I'm writing this, so my attention keeps wandering away from the point.


Not quite sure who this is. I'm not the same part as the last one who used the "who?" label, but I figure the label is there, and "who?" is not a name.

Read More......

friends and support group

the problem with not being able to find what you want, or feel like you need, is that you start to think maybe you shouldn't have it. maybe it's wrong to want something, if the world seems designed to keep you from having it, if people you meet act like it's not something healthy.

it's not that the people who actually know me say this. my friends, my therapist: they all say the things i want are perfectly reasonable.

what am i talking about? i, ellis, want to have friends my own age. mandy wants this. jamie wants this. teller wants this. probably the others do too.

i, and lots of the adults in the system, want a really good support group, where we can talk with other people with DID/dissociative disorders about practical, day-to-day coping skills. where we can learn how to manage communication, learn tips for negotiating each of our needs, figure out how to cope.

on friends: we accept that it's totally creepy for someone in an adult body to be hanging out with kids our own ages, so that's not really an option. the ideal thing would be to know other people who are multiple, and be able to have time hanging out with them as friends, so that the younger parts can spend time with people their own ages. finding other multiples is part of why i wanted to go to a support group.


so why am i thinking about this today?

i went to my DID support group, and once again, it was really frustrating and annoying.

i understand that the guidelines they have are meant to make people safe. the problem is, the guidelines do more, in my mind, to keep people from being able to connect with each other, which i guess is a kind of safety, in the way that locking yourself into a cave millions of miles away from everyone else is a kind of safety.

the guidelines that i have a problem with are the ones that say you're not allowed to comment on what others say, and that you're not allowed to offer advice (which implies you're not allowed to ask for advice). they're very explicit about how you're not required to speak, or to answer questions... this is good, except it comes across in a way that makes me feel like it's not okay to *ask* personal questions, or to have any level of contact outside of the group.

and then there's the fact that people come from all kinds of different perspectives. and several of the people, particularly one who often leads off the talking, really are more focused on their "parts" being separate from them. as though *they* are real, but their parts are just these fragments they (the "real person") have to "absorb" so they can be whole.

this means i wind up feeling really uncomfortable bringing my own experience, of being a bunch of different people sharing a body, into discussion. like i'm deluded, or not focused on the "right" method of healing, or something like that.

the one thing that all of the parts in my body agree on is that there IS no single right way to do things. yeah, even the ones who are bossy know-it-alls can accept that. we all recognize that just because something works for one person doesn't mean it works for everyone. kinda like religion--even the christian ones inside here don't think it's the only way to live. they think there are all kinds of ways to approach the divine, and christianity is only one path (i'm hearing a great deal of shrieking from my childhood church services about how clearly this is evidence that i'm listening to the devil or something. i don't care. even michelle, who is probably the most goody-two-shoes, following all the rules, among us... even she sees there isn't just one path!)

and i think lots of people see therapy or healing from abuse the way other people see religion. as though, if something works for one person, then everyone else has to do things exactly their way, or else they're not doing it right. sinning against the therapy gods or something.

i am lucky that my therapist isn't like that, and my friends aren't like that. but it's still hard when it feels like the rest of the world thinks we're wrong.

like, in trying to find friends. there's a lot of stuff out there, kinda the therapy doctrine for DID, that says parts SHOULDN'T have friends of their own. that multiples SHOULDN'T get together for play-dates. they say it's dangerous. they say it's going to stop us from healing. they say that if parts feel something, that just means the host (the "real person") is denying their feelings, and that if the host ("real person") gets *their* needs met, then the parts will be satisfied.

i think that is a load of hooey. i don't think i, or any of the adults, have a frustrated desire to be lady garbagemen. i think mandy is a little kid who likes the idea of hanging off the back of a truck. i don't think the adult parts are just denying that they enjoy candy corn. i think they genuinely don't like eating it.


but the therapeutic doctrine implies that there's this slippery slope. that if you start acting like parts are real, then you're going to do all kinds of stupid things. i may rant further about this article at some other point. i just haven't gotten around to it yet.

so the point is, i end up feeling like maybe i shouldn't want the things i want--friends, support. i feel like there's something wrong with me, that i want to hang out with people who AREN'T inside my body (and, let's face it... the other teenage parts are more like siblings than anything else. would YOU want to spend all of your time hanging out with your siblings? when the only thing that connects you is living in the same house--or body, as the case may be.)

yeah. so i'm feeling discouraged, and also a little angry.

Read More......

no title

mandy has been really sad today because she realized we're really not getting a dog.
me, i don't know what the problem is. maybe it's just that if the body is feeling really sad, then my mind puts my own words to the sadness.

or maybe it's that the reason mandy wanted a dog so much was that she is lonely, and i'm just as lonely as she is. and neither of us really has any hope of things getting better, so it's looking at this long bleak life, spent pretty much alone.

i guess it's mean to say that, since we do have w. and friends, although they're not the same as getting to hang out with people our own age, and that's never really going to happen. when the body is with people our ages, then someone older comes out, or whoever is out has to pretend to be someone older.

and the adults aren't back and i'm starting to think they probably aren't coming back, because no one outside can figure out any benefit the ones who are blocking them would gain from having them back.

so i'm stuck being the responsible one.

okay, so i know it's not exactly like when i was growing up. there's no one abusing me. but the situation still sucks, even without the abuse. i'm isolated, like i was then. i'm stuck being responsible for adult things, like i was then. i don't have friends my own age, like i didn't then. i'm stuck dealing with a lot of needy little kids who have all of their own issues, like i was then. (yes, these ones are inside. but it means i can't even go off by myself, at all, ever, since they're in my f***ing BODY with me.)

and even though w is pretty clear that she doesn't expect me to act as her partner... there's a lot of guilt around that. i mean, if i can't figure out how to get the adults back, then how long is this situation going to work? w is bound to get tired of it and want an adult partner, sooner or later.
just feels like nothing's worth the trouble it takes to do it. nothing is going to get better.

this isn't being pessimistic. it's making a realistic prediction based on the evidence at hand.

Read More......

My Puppy

by Mandy.

I bet my puppy is born now! I bet this caues if Santa will bring me a puppy on Crismus, then it will have to be liek 7 or 8 weeks old then and it is 7 or 8 weeks till Crismus. That is why my puppy probly is born alredy!

W and Ellis say I am not getting a puppy for Crismus or any tiem but they do not understand about Santa or maybe they want the puppy to be a suprize so they just SAY I will not get my puppy but I WILL caues I have ben VERY good and Santa will bring me my best present a PUPPY.

It is a black puppy with curly black ears and it is cuddely. A puppy is better then a cat caues it will play with you and go for walks. And just caues we are not sposed to have a puppy in our house, I bet that guy who says that will not NOTICE caues we have two black cats already and he does not think it is two he thinks it is only ONE but we told him it is two but he forgets. He will forget about the puppy also if it is littel and black liek the cats.

I am very good at takeing care of a puppy. You take it on a walk and you feed it food and water. And you pet it. And then it is your frind and you will sleep with it in your bed.

I bet it is going to be a suprize puppy. That is why they say I can not have one so when I wake up and there is my puppy in its littel basket with its red bow and cuddley curley wiggley body then I will jump up and down and say O! I am sooo happy about my suprize puppy!!!! I will smiel every single day!!!

And no one insied will be scard of a PUPPY. O no! They are only scard of BIG dogs who are noisy or stuff. They will LOVE the puppy when it coems and they will be frinds and have fun and smiel. That is why a puppy is good. My suprize puppy will be very quiet. That is the kind of puppy I want. Santa will find that for me.I will keep telling W and Ellis about how GOOD a puppy is and then I will get my suprize puppy and when Santa brings the puppy they will let me keep it.

Read More......

Author love

Oh, I knew there was a reason I liked Tamora Pierce!

I mean, first, she's a good writer. If her writing were food, it would be something like chicken divan--not especially fancy or highfalutin', but good, solid, wholesome, comforting food. Food you would bring to a family potluck. Food the other people in your house will also gobble up. (Can you tell what I made for dinner tonight? ;P )

Second, she wrote good solid female characters back before it was common to do that. I mean, back when the covers of "Sword and Sorceress" (a fairly ground-breaking series of short story anthologies in which the main characters were female) looked like this*:


she wrote a series with a female lead who was a person and not a sex object. And somehow, she managed to get a cover for the books that looked like this:


Plus, she has lesbian characters in her books without making a huge thing of it. You know, just like we're normal people who would live in the world or something. ;P

THIRD, not only does she have ONE public livejournal where she writes about the writing process and stuff like that, but she ALSO has a SECOND public livejournal where she writes about POLITICS and stuff.

What's even better? From what I've read thus far, her politics are really good (that is, if you're a wacky feminist like I am).



Now, I've just got to get over my shyness, and post a comment one of these days. I keep reminding myself that if she has them public, it's because she's writing stuff that she doesn't mind having read by people who have been reading her books for, oh, the last 22 years. She would not have put a link to her ljs on her main website if she didn't want people to look at them. She responds thoughtfully to the comments that people make to her posts.

But... but... I guess it's that worry that she will be annoyed by my comments or something. Or that it's stalker-like to read her blogs. But come to think of it, it's probably LESS stalker like to read and comment than to just read. Yeah. Let's see whether that inspires me to comment.


*And yes, I'm aware that the stories INSIDE "Sword and Sorceress" weren't nearly as offensive as the covers would imply, and that there were other ground-breaking writers of sci-fi/fantasy both before and after Tamora Pierce. And I like lots of them, too, and have some serious author-love for a lot of other writers. So no need to educate me on the vast array of feminist sf/f available in the mid-eighties. (Or now, for that matter, since two or three decades has really seen some progress on that front.)

Read More......

What do the adults do?

need some ideas here. in therapy, we were talking about how i think probably parts are blocking the adult parts from coming out, and we were talking about why that's probably going on. like, the adult parts tend not to pay attention to what the rest of us need, and it's harder to get help when they're around because they act like everything's okay, and stuff like that.

but my therapist was talking about how maybe if the other parts could see that the adults help, and do things that are useful, then maybe they'd be willing to give it a try.

the problem is, i think i'm the only part who would benefit from the adults coming back, because i'm the one who gets stuck dealing with all the adult-type stuff, like paying bills and organizing housework and stuff like that. so it would be a good break for me, and that's mostly why i want them back.

but they don't really do anything for the other parts that i can't also do, like, i can drive the car, and i can make sure the bills get paid, and i can make sure the laundry gets done and groceries get bought. so the other parts keep saying, "what do we need the adults for anyways?"

and the only things i can think of are about outside people, like they give w. some adult time, and they can take care of people, or make things (like sewing stuff) and things like that. the rest of it, i can do an okay job with. and it's not like i'm going to stop doing it just because it is hard, so i don't know what to do.

what are things adult parts do for the ones inside? i mean, what is something that would be better for everyone if the adult parts were back? i need some ideas. thanks.

Read More......

spaced out

I'm never sure what to think. There is evidence that I exist, so it shouldn't be this hard. Not sure who I am. All I know is, it doesn't feel like I lose time, until I start to realize that I'm just, I don't know, vague about specifics. But it's not just about not being aware of what the others experience. It's like I lose time even when I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who is present.

And it's hard for me to really believe the others exist. Or that I really have DID. I mean, I can look at journals, and see writing that clearly isn't mine. I can see evidence of things that were most likely done by someone in this body, but which I have no idea how to do. But I guess I'm used to that vagueness.

I remember being in school, kind of. I mean, I can remember walking in the halls and stuff. And I know I'd have no idea what was going on, but then, in the classes, I knew what to talk about. I guess that just seemed like what was normal for me. Maybe not for everyone, but not so out of the ordinary.

I don't really remember much. I know how to get home, if I don't think about it. Put into any city where I've lived, I could probably figure out how to get to where my house was, figure out where the key was, get to my room.

Time doesn't seem real, honestly. It's strange. I'll look around me, and nothing seems unfamiliar, but it doesn't seem familiar, either. It's like things only half exist.

I suppose I should have a name. My therapist asked for one, the last time I was in the office, a couple of weeks ago. She wanted to know how old I am. How can I tell her, when I'm not really sure. I don't really have a name. I'm not entirely sure I exist.

I can tell from the handwriting that I'm not one of the others. But that's a weird way to know you exist, that you have different handwriting. I mean, shouldn't there be something more?

Maybe I'm just a placeholder, but then why am I here, wondering who I am?

Read More......